Closing this Blog

Any relationship I ever had with J is over, I don't want to hear from him and I don't want to know what's going on in his life. Sadly he doesn't seem to feel the same way about me because he keeps coming to this blog and reading. It's the main reason I haven't had much to say on here lately, it's just kinda creepy to know that anything I say is being read by him.

I'm closing this blog and opening another one. The new one would be a DD, D/s, spanking blog. It would be my thoughts and feelings, concerns and joys, that I could honestly put into words without having the thought of J's reading it enter my head. I hate the feeling of editing myself here and I want someplace where I can be open and free again without concern.

If you would like the addy of the new blog, please email me at TerriB1126@yahoo.com and put something like 'your new blog' in the subject line so I know you're not spam. I HATE closing this blog, but it's not able to serve it's purpose anymore thanks to him :(

Kisses

Well, my back is mostly back in shape. I've found the most amazing cure for when it does go out... spending time with S! I arrived at his house barely able to walk, and standing up straight wasn't even an option. Hours later S came home from work and cuddled me to him, then rubbed my back for awhile. Not only did that make me mobile again, but after a couple of days with S I was walking upright and feeling no pain. The occasional ache yes, but pain was thankfully a memory!

S didn't allow my bad back to get me out of some consequences I had coming, but he did make sure I was in positions that were supporting and didn't make things any worse. I'm sure he'd probably disagree with me, but I kinda got the impression he held back a wee bit due to my back, and it's just another reason I trust him as much as I do.

Recently I was able to spend a couple of days with S and Sw (Sir wife) and lets just say that now the reason I can't sit comfortably has nothing to do with my back and everything to do with the 'kisses' I have from the center of my bottom to the middle of my thighs.

Different people have different words to describe them; bruises, marks, welts, track-marks. But I like to call them kisses. To me they are reminders of where he kissed me with an implement hard enough (or often enough) to leave me a reminder of how much he cares about me. When I have to go back home they're something I can look at in the mirror and remember that I'm not alone, that someone cares enough about me to protect me from the monsters in the world. When I see them I can almost imagine him kissing me where each one is and telling me to be a good girl and to take care of myself for him.

I'm proud of my kisses, and I float in a great headspace while I wear them. Then comes the sad day when I go to look at them in the mirror and see they've faded away... of course then I think about how the next time I see him he'll give me more and I smile again :)

Back again, back again... no jigity jig!

Once again my back has gone out. It used to go out every couple of years, but this is the 2nd time this year and it's only June!!!

I'll be back when simply typing here doesn't cause me pain :(

Been busy LOL!

Sorry for not posting here in so long! Life has been so busy that I haven't had a chance to get here and post about it.

I had L here for company all of last week. I loved having her here! We don't have to entertain each other, we just enjoy each others company and veg together LOL! Then S came back on Friday to pick her up, and stayed the weekend. He's a great friend too, so it was fun having him around.

On Saturday night C and L came over. S grilled burgers, L did all the prep work in the kitchen and made wonderful potato salad. C and L brought their famous (or should that be infamous!) double-shot margarita's!!! I got to do nothing but enjoy all the great friends I had in my house. It was a wonderful evening with food, drinks and good friends and I can't wait to do it again!

OUPS! I just realized I now have two people on here I refer to as S!!! One is my Sir and the other is a great friend who's married to another great friend. I guess from now on I'll have to preface when S stands for Sir LOL!

Speaking of whom, Sir has been taking very good care of me! I got my consequence spankings taken care of and then got to enjoy a 'just because he wanted to' one. Spankings from S are tough to take when he's giving them, but I can't tell you how much I enjoy the after-effects! When my bottom is tender I am a very happy woman LOL! I could do without his cane tho!! That thing is way too effective and he knows it! It's really hot here and I've been having to wear capri's instead of shorts today because I have 'cane kisses' on my thighs! I'm not complaining tho, I love looking behind me in the mirror and seeing them!

So, as I said, life has been busy here lately... and I've been enjoying it alot :)

Good vs Bad

It seems pretty obvious that things that are good are always going to be preferred to things that are bad. The only exception to this is for some spanko's. Being 'good' doesn't always get you spanked, and if you're a hard-wired spanko you really do need a pretty steady diet of swats to your backside. With few exceptions I've never intentionally been bad to earn a spanking, but I've always gone butt-up because of something bad I'd done.

No longer true for me.

Yes, I get spanked now for the times when I've stumbled, but they are 'stumbles' and not 'being bad'. I'm not even allowed to SAY I'm bad now! They're no longer even punishment or discipline spankings... they're consequence spankings! It's actually a concept I'm having a hard time adjusting to! I'm used to going butt-up feeling awful about myself, focusing on how if I'd only been good enough, done better, done 'perfectly', then I wouldn't be being spanked. It put a huge emotional wall around my heart because I felt like I was failing and was trying to protect myself from that feeling.

Now I get spanked because I'm a good girl who's worthy of being loved, taken care of, and spanked. I get reminded that I'm a good girl who had a brief stumble and that the swats being applied to my backside are just basically a spanko-version of a hand being extended to help me back to my feet. I even have to repeat that I'm a good girl who's worthy during the spanking! And I learned very quickly that saying "I'm being spanked because I'm an idiot who..." only gets me alot of additional stinging swats!

I beat myself up much worse than S ever could or would. I feel guilt deeply and have this concept in my head that if I'm less than perfect that I'm not worthy of anything good in my life. I've gotten more than one spanking for this self-assessment. Actually what I've gotten is 'more' during an already planned spanking for this self-assessment. He realizes that it's a cycle I need to break free from and that's why I have to repeat how I'm worthy and good during the spanking, to kind of drive the message home. Gotta love how my head and ears work soooo much better when my butt is bare, sore and waiting for more!

But the strangest thing has happened now that I'm spanked for being 'good' vs having been 'bad'. I cry. I don't cry from guilt, I don't cry from shame, I don't cry from fear of being 'too much'. I cry because I have people in my life who love me and want me to see myself the way they see me. I cry because I AM worthy of having these people in my life and have come to trust them completely. I cry because I stumbled and emotionally 'skinned my knees' so to speak. And now when I come off those pillows I'm crying because I feel good about myself, I feel not only 'forgiven' but like I'm back standing on my feet again, only now I have these wonderful people and this amazing Sir standing there with me while I get my balance again.

I used to think I needed to be spanked to remove the 'bad' from me....

Now I know that I get spanked because I'm not bad, I'm good, I'm worthy, I'm loved, and that no matter how many times I stumble I'll still be all those things and I'll never be abandoned.

I still try too hard to do everything perfectly, and beat myself up pretty badly when I fail to obtain this unobtainable goal. And I still tend to think I can do things my way vs doing them the way they're intended for me to do. And I'm going to keep working on those things until I get better at them! But one area where I've honestly changed is in how I view myself. I know in my heart now that I'm not a bad person who needs to be 'fixed', I'm a good woman who is worthy of being loved, respected, and protected... even if it's from herself :)

What an intersting weekend!

I got to spend part of the day yesterday with C. Gotta love when you get to kidnap a friend and just enjoy spending time in their company! Even though we live in the same town, we live at opposite ends of it, so getting to get together and just hanging out together isn't something that happens nearly often enough.

We didn't do anything 'special' just went and had a long lunch sitting outside at a table and talking. I didn't plan anything for her kidnapping, figured we'd just play it by ear and do what she wanted to do. Real friends are the ones when 'doing nothing special' turns out to be a special day.

It would be great if we could live across the street from each other and just sit and chat our way through a cup of coffee in the mornings lol. Then again, the distance does make the time we get to hang out even more special for me. Ok, I'm a greedy woman and still wish most days started out gabbing over a cup of coffee... that I'd let her make btw because I make lousy coffee LOL!

If you're reading this C I hope you enjoyed being kidnapped Sunday as much as I enjoyed kidnapping you :)

~ ~ ~

I stayed up really late Saturday night and had an important im with another friend. He's more than just a friend, he's someone I 'clicked' with from the first time we talked. The timing of his arriving in my life was amazing, and he quickly became very important to me. He stepped up and became my 'hoh-substitute' when J and I ended, actually before J and I ended. Being around him helped me realize even more clearly what it was that J and I were lacking. He's the man who sent that belt scorching over my backside and who I came out of that experience trusting completely. He's an HOH in his marriage, but he's also a Dom who's not had the chance to explore that side of himself as much as he'd like.

Well, he now has that chance! I accepted him as 'my Sir' over the weekend. I'll refer to him here as 'S' for 'Sir' because it feels appropriate. It was the strangest 'important' conversation I think I've ever heard of. I was just sitting at home and starting to go into a funk when suddenly my laptop let me know I had an incoming IM. Turned out to be him asking if I was around and if I was ok. Now how can you not completely trust a man who a hundred miles away realizes you need to talk to him?!? We talked about how our friendship has felt right and natural from the very beginning, how we both felt comfortable just being ourselves around each other. Then we acknowledged how very recently there's been 'something' that had been a bit off when we were around each other. Turned out the 'something' was each of us feeling a D/s connection to the other one and not knowing how, or if, to address it. Once it was addressed things just fell into place.

The biggest issues for each of us turned out to be not wanting to make the other one uncomfortable and S's wife. She's a beautiful, loving woman who we both would never do anything intentionally to upset. Once S was able to speak to her and she gave her approval to he and I establishing a D/s relationship... well let's just say I'm pretty darn happy LOL!

It's going to be an interesting adventure to explore my submissive side with a man I trust completely, who's made me release emotional tears before, during or after most spankings from him, who makes me laugh and get the hysterical giggles, who spanks me because I'm worthy of it and not because I'm 'bad', whose friendship and respect mean a lot to me, and whose wife is someone I respect and value as much as I do him.

6 months ago I would never have understood feeling this close to a man who is married to someone else, let alone married to a great friend of mine. She gets most of the credit for this wonderful gift I've been given. If it hadn't been for her friendship and acceptance I don't know where I'd be now, 'if' I'd be now. I've been blessed in my friends and I realize it!

I Did It!!!!

I done some things recently that I never ever thought I'd be able to do!

First, I finished an assignment given to me by friends that had me taking an honest and deep look into myself to see my positives. Doing the assignment isn't what I'm proud of though, I'm a smart woman, even I can accomplish something difficult if I'm clear on what the guidelines are. What makes me proud is that while I started this assignment putting forth a bare minimum amount of effort, I finished it by REALLY following it's guidelines. I took a deep and honest look at who I am and acknowledged that yes, I really can be worthy of being loved and respected and not have to accept being treated as anything less than that. It was harder to do than it probably should have been, but I did it as much for myself as I did it to make them proud of me.

Next came ending the relationship with J. Trust me when I say I'm not saying "I did it" on this issue with any joy in my heart. It makes me incredibly sad. I love him, and I have a feeling I'll always love him. But loving him doesn't mean I have to accept being treated as something less than his equal. Being submissive doesn't mean I'm less than he is as a dominant, it just makes me the counter-balance to his dominance. I gave the relationship with him everything I had to give, where he only gave it what he wanted to give, what was convenient for him to give in the moment. So I'm proud of realizing I deserve better than to be treated the way he was treating me. In the deepest, secret part of my heart, I hope that someday he learns to be able share his heart and contacts me again when that happens. I always saw so much good in him, so much potential for 'us', but you can't respect someone more than they respect you and have it work.

The next one is the one that has me sitting here tenderly while I type this. Because it was used abusively on me years ago, I've had a major phobia about belts for decades. Even the sound of one being pulled out of his pants would have me feeling light-headed as if I was going to faint. It was so bad that when I would 'assist' in removing J's pants my hands would shake when I undid the buckle and I'd leave the belt in his pants when I removed them. I thought I'd never trust someone enough to have them use a belt on me. Belts are part of the reason I have trust issues, so this was a major issue on trust and fear for me.

I've found a friend I trust, really trust. His intentions come from nothing but love, mutual respect and friendship. If I didn't think his wife was beyond wonderful, I'd probably wish he was single LOL! Anyway, I've got this friend I find I'm able to trust, really trust. He doesn't expect anything from be other than to be the best me I can be. He doesn't demand respect, he just earns my respect by being himself.

The other night he and I were outside trying to avoid being eaten by bugs and talking while having a cigarette. From deep inside myself I realized how much I really trusted this friend, and I told him I was taking my 'off the table' list of things 'off the off the table list'. LOL, you know someone really understands you when they understand what you mean when you say that. I knew I had a spanking coming, so I knew I was opening up the possibility of his using it soon. And he did. Midway through he stopped to change implements, and I heard that sound. You all know that sound, the evil hiss of leather sliding through loops of material as it's removed. My heart clinched and I heard myself screaming in my head that I'd changed my mind. But all I did was put my hand back and ask for him to hold it, to anchor me to a safe place, and he did. He didn't use it hard, but he made sure I did feel it. When he was done using it I was nearly hyperventilating, but knew I'd faced my demon and had come out 'alive'.

As the spanking was wrapping up he told me the belt would be used again, as the last implement of the spanking. I'd felt the belt and come out 'alive', but deep in my heart I NEEDED to feel the belt and come out feeling more than 'alive', I needed to feel 'safe', feel that I really, deeply, honestly could trust again. I took a breath and asked that if he was going to use it again, to please use it 'for real' this time. To please use it 'hard' this time. I didn't even hold his hand, I just squeezed the pillow to me while I raised my bottom into proper position and felt the first lash sear into my bottom. I didn't count strokes, I couldn't do more than concentrate in the voice in my head that was saying over and over that I was ok, that I was worthy of being able to trust again, that I wasn't someone who deserved to be beaten and abused...

I felt each lash, I felt the burn, the sting, the pain. I held my breath, and gasped in deep breaths, and then it was done. I'd done it, I'd taken one hell of a belt spanking and was more than alive, I was loved, I was respected... I was safe.

Almost 18 hours later my backside is sore and looks it. My friend has definitely learned the weakness I have about being spanked on my sitspots and upper thighs. But as sore as it is I'm equally peaceful inside myself. It's now the middle of the night and I wish I was sleeping, but inside I still keep hearing the voice reminding me that I did it, that I deserved it in the best possible way... and I am good :)

So many changes

There are so many things changing in my life now.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I've always said I was a 'the glass is half full' kind of person. I now realize that that comment wasn't true, but I thought that if I said it often enough it would become true. When I viewed MY life, the glass wasn't half full, it wasn't even half empty, I viewed my life as a glass that was empty. There was no part of my life that I honestly took pride in, that made me feel good about myself for more than a fleeting moment.

Well, there's been one exception to my empty glass in the last few years... my friends. They were the only thing in my glass, and they'll never understand how much I value them for that. Some people say that 'online friends' aren't 'real friends'. That's such bull! There's a couple that I've never been lucky enough to meet who have become one of the most important things in my life. At one point we only lived a few hours apart, and I wish I'd been able to sit down and talk with them back then. But not being able to physically sit and share, whisper and giggle in person, doesn't deminish their value in my life one little bit. Recently I've added another wonderful woman and another couple to my list of things in my glass. I've been blessed enough to be able to spend 'physical' time with these people. These five people mean so much to me, I can't imagine my life without them in it. I met these people online, and yet they've become the best things in my life... don't anyone dare tell me they aren't 'real'!

~ ~ ~

2 of the above mentioned 5 remarkable people are men who have been helping me alot lately. They saw me, really saw ME, enough to realize I was spiraling into a very dark place and they've pretty much been pulling me out... even if I'm kicking and screaming a bit from time to time. I've not only had them listen and talk, but when things were getting out of control, they yanked me to a stop by giving me an assignment meant to force me to find the good inside myself. Open hearts, good instincts, and a seemingly unending number of impliments have been forcing me to change the way I view the world and my place in it.

Don't get me wrong, their wives have done more than their share to help with this too. These wonderful women have listened to be cry, cuss, and ramble while trying to figure things out.

None of them are letting me get away with bs'ing my way through life anymore, making me be honest even when it's painful to do so, and being there to help me every single solitary step of the way. They keep telling me how good I'm doing and how brave I'm being. I want to beleive them, but all I honestly beleive is that the credit for any improvement in my outlook is due to them! I still struggle to beleive this is real, that people love me enough to want to help, but I hope someday to make them proud by REALLY beleiving I'm responsible for this.

~ ~ ~

The relationship with J is pretty much over. When we got back together this time I made him promise me something... that if I lost my cool, really misbehaved, he'd not go away, not 'abandon me for being less than perfect'. Now I realize how sad it is that I even had to ask for that promise. Sad that I felt I would be abandoned if I wasn't always perfect, and sad that I viewed him as someone who would do that to me.

When I recently lost my cool and talked to him in a non-submissive manner, he hung-up on me. He basically did what he'd promised he wouldn't do. When we talked the next day he was still pissed over it and was sarcastic, mean, vulgar and intentionally hurtful to me. There's no excuse to talk to anyone the way he talked to me that day, and there's especailly no excuse to treat someone you say you love that way.

Thanks to people who have been treating me with such love and respect, I now see clearly how little love and respect he was treating me with. I also now realize I don't deserve to be treated the way he did, that I was always at risk of being an imposition, 'a bother'. When someone really loves you you should never feel you're bothering them when you just want to say 'hello, I love you'.

I've told him I feel he's treated me badly, and the things I need from him to even try one more time. I know what his answer will be, but I also know that I can say that I tried, that it was him who wasn't willing to try and do the right thing. If asking to be treated respectfully is asking too much, I'm not really losing anything of value.

~ ~ ~

I'm still so afraid of so much. Being 'too much', being alone forever, of disappointing the people I respect so much... the list of things I'm afraid of feels never-ending. I hope that someday I'll at least be able to see the end of the list. But maybe being able to admit to being so afraid of so much means that there's hope for me in the long run.

~ ~ ~

This blog is still going to be the place I come to about my life, my fears, my goals, and god willing, about how someday a great man is going to come into my life who is worthy of all I so much want to share and give... oh yeah, and it will be about DD and spanking too :)

Time got away from me :(

It's been too long since I've posted here. It's not for a lack of thoughts I'd like to put down, it's almost the opposite. I've had too many things running thru my head, some I can share here and some I can't share here 'to protect the not so innocent' LOL!

My work schedule has been totally messed up. Yes, working 11pm - 7am isn't my first choice of a shift I'd like to work, but at least I was getting 32-40 hours a week. Through someone else's issues, I am suddenly having my hours all over the chart. I've had a couple of weeks recently where I'm only working 16 hours, and one week where I got a whole 32. I can't survive on 16 hour weeks, it won't even pay my bills let alone let me do things like buy groceries. There's possibly a light at the end of the tunnel where I'll be back to at least 32 a week, but honestly I'm not holding my breath. With this economy, even finding another part-time job is turning out to not be an option. I'd really like to lean on J about this, but he's got his own issues going on and I don't want to add to them... that and I'm not sure if he wants to hear it.

I leave a week from today to take Mom up North for her 'snowbird' summer. She won't be back until September, and words can't express how much I'm looking forward to having the house to myself. The only thing keeping this from being totally a good thing is that with my work hours being so messed up, not having her here means I don't have anyone else to help with the expenses. To be honest mom pays most of the expenses... but how that makes me feel is the topic for another post when being whiny and full of self-pity won't get me spanked!

Because of things going on in his life, we're not sure if J and I will be able to get to spend any time together when I'm back 'home'. I don't know how I'm going to handle it if we can't get together. I have so many things I want to talk to him about and things I need to hear from him, and doing it on the phone and/or via email won't work for me on this.

It looks like the weekend I come back L & S will be coming down to visit. I can't wait!!! It's so nice to have people who I like and respect and truly enjoying just spending quiet time with. L is a great friend, and S is a man who reminds me way too much of myself when I was a Domme LOL! Not that he reminds me of a girl, heavens no!, just that his dominant mindset is alot like mine was back then.

I haven't been able to get ahold of CR on the phone or via email. I know she's struggling with way too many issues, and I just wish she'd let me help. Even is helping is nothing more than offering an ear to listen, a shoulder to cry on, and an house to run away to for an hour or so if needed. I'm worried about her and hope she contacts me soon!!!

Some friends are trying to help me think more positively about myself. I hadn't realized how negative my pov of myself was until they started trying to help. I'm not sure if it will work, but then again it's already working to a degree because I'm able to acknowledge that they love me. I still wonder why they do from time to time, but I do accept it. Wow, you wouldn't think that would be hard to accept would you?

Ok, that kinda catches me up for the moment, I hope I can get back here more often when Mom's up North and I have more privacy

That's just the way it is.... Why?

I keep hearing "that's just the way it is" or it's variation "that's just how people are" a lot lately. Why do we seem to think that that phrase makes it ok to be less than we're capable of being?

I lost a friend and neighbor recently. I found out that he'd died when my phone rang early the next morning. The call was from a neighbor wanting to know the details of how he'd died. I spent the next week barely able to sleep because my phone kept ringing because more neighbors wanted any dirty, nasty detail I might be able to provide them. Now these people know I work nights and sleep during the day, most of them even acknowledged this by apologizing for waking me up right before they asked their questions. And these are people who are now retired doctors, and laywers, and CEO/CFO's... people who dealt with confidentiality in their professional lives for the previous 30 or more years. YES, my friend had a drinking problem. YES, he had a temper that wasn't nice. But, there was NO WAY IN HELL I was going to tell these people nasty things about my friend. I didn't even get to mourn him because I was so busy fielding phone calls.

I work in a VERY small space, that through the week is shared by 12 people. If I leave food in the frig for me to have the next night, the odds are about 50/50 that it will be gone the next night. I arrive for my shift to literally find food and trash on the floor. Usually it's ground in because apparently it's easier to step on it than to clean it up when it first falls. Procedure is to arrive 15 minutes before your shift starts, yet all but 2 of my co-workers can be counted on to show up no sooner than 5 minutes before shift start.... often these people will show up 5 minutes late for their shift.

J and I were apart for a year. He contacted me at the beginning of the year and now we're back together... back together in a long-distance relationship as we now live approximately 1200 miles apart. He doesn't like the phone. He's 'busy' a lot. We've gone from phone and/or email contact 5 - 10 times a day, to a couple of times a week.

And you know what I hear if/when I complain about the above things?

"Well, people knew X was a drinker, of course they want to know if he was drunk when he died. That's just the way people are."

"Well, they see food and think it's ok for them to eat it. That's just the way Y is."

"They don't clean up behind themselves because they know you'll do it. That's just what people do."

"We're back together now, what is there to talk about?"

Maybe I'm naive, maybe I'm a freak of nature. But I don't think poor behavior, rudeness, a basic lack of consideration for others is something we should just accept because "it's what everyone is doing". Aren't I a part of that collective 'everyone'? I know I'm sure as hell not doing what they do. I won't be a part of the chain where it's ok to be less than decent because the person I just interacted with was that way.

Why is it ok to just accept that that's the way it is... that's the way people are... if it's just simply wrong???

Hearing things in my head

When J and I started talking again, of course the subject of how he ended us a year before came up. Being blindsided is never nice, and I felt I was owed an explaination. I hear "I'm sorry it hurt you", "I wish I'd been able to handle it differently", basically what I wasn't hearing was those 3 little words... I AM SORRY.

His explaination was that basically it was like when the US dropped the bombs on Japan in WWII. It was a painful decission for the US to make, and of course Japan was devistated, but it had to be done under the current circumstances at that time.

Let me be very very VERY clear here... that while I'm sure that makes perfect 'man logic' sense, I absolutely despise that explaination for what he did. But I can't change his pov on this, so while I don't like it one iota, I'm living with it for now.

When I heard his 'explaination' I thought back to how he'd been acting the couple of weeks between when we made the decission for me to move here and the time when he 'dropped the bomb'. There WERE signs I was seeing, I just didn't know what they meant at the time. I thought his 'strange' attitude was just his way of expressing have as hard a time with my moving away as I was.

What his analogy has provided me with is one of my own. Now when I'm feeling insecure, wondering what it is he's feeling... did he have as good a time together as I did... does he miss me... is he feeling as lonely as I am...

Am I being silly and overthinking things, or am I hearing 'air raid sirens'?

Today I told him I was worried I'd been hearing those sirens for the last couple of days. We haven't been able to communicate very much because he's been very busy with both work and 'real life'. Ok, great, that makes sense. There are plenty of times when I'm too busy to make a call, let alone come online and send an email. And he DID send an email saying he's really busy and would call as soon as he could.

But a year ago I was a 'bomb victim', and now I'm worried about not hearing those air raid sirens if they're going off again. I hear each 'bump in the night' as a possible siren. I'm hearing them when they're not going off, when they've apparently been disabled. He seemed surprised that I was worried I was hearing them again. Why does he get to be surprised? Is it really suprising that after surviving a bomb attack I'm going to have a bit of anxiety about possibly having it happen again?

Part of me feels like I'm being paranoid, that he's happy, he's not even thinking about dong it again, so I need to stop worrying about it. But part of me is upset that he doesn't truly appreciate the damage the first bomb caused and that he needs to help me feel very sure that it won't happen again.

Only time and attention will stop the sirens from echo'ing in my head.

100+ things about me

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Meme

I saw this on Hermione's Heart and am 'borrowing' it...

1. What curse word do you use the most? - Usually f***, but I wish I could break the habit

2. Do you own an ipod? - No

3. What person on your friends-list do you talk to the most? – it’s a tie between Kaytee, Jen and Cathy

4. What time is your alarm clock set to? – 8pm… I work 3rd shift and don’t want to oversleep from a nap

5. Do you still remember the first person you kissed? – Oh yeah, Henry Gendra at the Skatery!

6. Do you remember where you were on September 11th, 2001? - I was at work. I alternated between watching live coverage on my computer and watching the tv in the dayroom.

7. Would you rather take the picture or be in the picture? - Take it

8. What was the last movie you watched? – I have Netflix, I watch too many movies to remember the last one

9. Do any of your friends have children? - Yes

10. Has anyone ever called you lazy? – yeah, but my mom shouldn’t count

11. Do you ever take medication to help you fall asleep? – only when I haven’t got any other choice

12. What CD is currently in your CD player? – Meat Loaf – Bat Out Of Hell

13. Do you prefer regular or chocolate milk? – Regular Skim Milk… sometimes I’ll do a large glass of chocolate milk as a snack

14. Has anyone told you a secret this week? – I outed one on the forum

15. When was the last time you had Starbucks? – NEVER. I have an issue with a $8 cup of coffee

16. Can you whistle? - Sort of, but I don't

17. What is the first thing you notice about the opposite sex? – Height and hand size

18. What are you looking forward to? – going north in May and seeing my best friend

19. Did you watch cartoons as a child? - Yes

20. Do you own any band t-shirts? – No

21. What will you be doing in one hour? – Fixing my ‘lunch’

22. Is anyone in love with you? – He says he is

23. What was the last song you heard? – Thin Lizzy – The Boys Are Back In Town

24. Last time you cried? – Saturday

25. Desktop computer or a laptop? – Laptop

26. Are you currently wanting any piercings or tattoos? – Yes, just one more tatoo

27. What's the weather like? – Partly cloudy and 80F

28. Would you ever date a girl/guy covered in tattoos? – Covered in? No. Don’t mind if he has some, just not covered in them

29. What did you do before this? – Checked Spanking Tube for new video’s

30. When is the last time you slept on the floor? – The night before I moved here… I’d sold all my furniture

31. How many hours of sleep do you need to function? – I seem to be able to function on less than 4, but 8 would be great!

32. Do you eat breakfast daily? – Almost never

33. Are your days fast-paced? – No, they’re too quiet

34. What did you do last night? – Napped before work, showered, dressed, watched tv, went to work

35. Do you use sarcasm? – I believe you should always go with your strengths LOL!

36. How old will you be turning on your next birthday? - 47

37. Are you picky about spelling and grammar? – YES!

38. Have you ever been to Six Flags? – yes, years ago

39. Do you get along better with the same sex or the opposite sex? - Both equally. It really depends on the individual.

40. Do you like mustard? – Yes, brown is better than yellow

41. Do you sleep on your side? - Yes, with a pillow between my knees to keep my back from being hurt

42. Do you watch the news? – Politics, yes. News, no

43. How did you get one of your scars? – I got bit by a LOT of fire ants last summer

44. Who was the last person to make you mad? – My supervisor at work when he called and woke me up at 11 this morning

I'm happy!

Being 'single' has been hard. Yeah, I miss the sex, but that's not the main thing I've been missing. I missed being a part of an 'us', having someone to share my submissive side with.

I struggled because J was the only man I'd ever been submissive to, and without that relationship I stuffed that side of myself down deep inside. It was painful to do, but less painful than the ripping pain of having this side of myself out and available and no one to share it with. Stuffing it inside was a constant ache, but so much less painful than feeling like I'd lost a limb. And in alot of ways I did lose a limb, the part of me that IS submissive.

This post sounds rather depressing, especially for one titled I'm happy LOL! The reason I'm happy is because J and I are back together. I've promised him I won't go into great detail about him here for now, but I can't talk about my life without talking about the fact that he's back in it.

We started talking via email again in January and then on the phone. It was NOT the easiest thing I've ever done! I'd gotten used to the ache, my brain had started to not even recognize it more than 10 or 20 times a day. Talking to him again meant the possiblilty of opening up that side of myself again.

From the beginning I was different this time though. Before I would say 'yes sir' to keep the peace. It was something I said as often out of respect for him as I did out of being afraid to rock the boat. I was sure that if I rocked the boat too much that we'd 'sink'. Well, I'd already sunk and while the swim was hard to do, I'd finally made it to shore. Talking to him meant going back out into the water and I honestly wasn't sure if I was up to even dogpaddling again, let alone climbing back onto the boat.

It took weeks before the word 'sir' came out of me again. I felt it for a bit before I let it come back out... this time he had to earn it! I don't like how that sounds, but I was determined to not make this too easy for him this time. He'd broken my heart, and I was determined to make sure he was really really really wanting me back again before I gave into my own desires.

I'd like to say that this was a good thing. In some ways it was a good thing, it created more conversation and I have felt more 'heard' this time around. But it also caused me alot of internal confusion and conflict. There's just something about J that clicks in me, and I was intentionally fighting my own desires.

Basically it comes down to the fact that I wanted 'us' again so much that I was afraid to go for it. I now knew how much losing it would hurt, and I didn't want to ever put myself in a position to feel that much pain again... I was being very cautious.

Well, this past weekend J was here. I was a massive bundle of nerves, with mood swings that made PMS look like a day at the park. When I saw his car come around the corner my heart started to slam and my palms actually started to get damp. Then he came through the door and I felt rooted to the floor, totally clueless as to what to do. Somehow we met in the middle, I don't remember who took the first step. But I do know that when his arms closed around me I felt the same tension in him that was in me. Then the most amazing thing happened.

It felt 'right'.

The tension drained from me, my throat got tight, and I felt myself starting to cry. All the fears I'd obsessed over about how each moment had the potential to go wrong... it just all went away.

Out of respect for his wishes I won't go into details about the visit. I don't think he'd mind my saying that the sex was fantastic, the cuddling was wonderful, hearing him get that tone when I didn't listen made me tingle, and just being able to touch him again made me feel so peaceful. I'm glad to be back to being part of 'us' again. I feel complete. I feel happy.

You know you're a spanko when...

Lately I seem to be seeing lifestyle reminders everywhere!

There was the day I was driving by the pizza shop and read the sign that says:

NOW SERVING SUBS

and all I can think is it's' about time and I need someone to 'serve' me!

That same day I am sitting at a red light and see the sign on the van beside me:

LET DOM HANDLE IT

this time was for 'Dominic's handyman service', but that's not where my brain went!

While out of town with friends at the beach I see this couple come out of a restraurant. He puts his arm around her shoulder and she puts hers around his waist. They look so 'cute', she's got her head tilted up saying something to him and he's got his tilted slightly listening to what she's saying. I'm thinking how cute and romantic they look, and how I wished I was them at that moment.

Then, I don't know what she had been saying to him, but his arm came off her shoulders and his hand CRACKED her in the middle of her butt so hard I could hear it over the thousands of people, the ocean, and being about 20 feet away! He hooked his thumb into her left pocket and kept 'patting' her tush! Meanwhile she'd come up onto her toes and is now desparetly putting her right hand back trying to block those pats and get his thumb out of her pocket.... and I REALLY wished I was them at that moment LOL!

That same day we're all getting a bit hot in the sun and go looking for the 'kiddie area' for the friends kids to play in and some shade for the grown-ups. There's a bizillion signs along the boardwalk, it seemed like each store had at least 3 signs trying to lure you into them vs the one next door. But my eyes immediately went to and focused on this one...

Now, of course they're selling RACKETBALL paddles, but that's not where my brain went!

And, now there's what happened today....

I went to the grocery store across the street a while ago to get milk. While I was there I ran into someone I knew and 'wandered' the store with him. Of course this meant I bought more than the 2 gallons of milk I went into the store to buy.

One of the store managers also lives in the neighborhood where I do, and the 3 of us ended up wandering together thru the store. When we were done shopping we headed towards the checkout isles. My friend checked out first (he had more stuff than I did lol). The conversation went like this:

Manager: "Where are your canvas bags?"

Me: "Oh crap! I forgot them in the car!".

Manager: "Do I need to spank you to get you to remember them?"

Me: "Well, somebody should!"

Register guy: "Do I need to go someplace else for a minute?"

I'm cracking up and so is the manager. The 'friend' I was with looked completely lost and unsure what to say! It seems like I'm apparently oozing my spanko-pharamones again! I'm not only seeing swats and signs, but now I'm being threatened WEG!

My next post will be about how I'll be getting spanked in just a few more days :)

Obvious?

Why is it that something that seems so obvious to me seems so difficult to understand for others???

Lately, I've been thinking about the differences between what makes a 'truly dominant man', a 'bully', and a 'partner in the lifestyle'. Now to me these are obvious, they're just so different how could anyone confuse them????

A truly dominant man is just a man who doesn't have a wimpy bone in his body. His brain just functions in a dominant mode. He sees his role in life to be that of leader, not follower. He takes the needs and feelings of other people into consideration, and he makes what he thinks is the right decision for everyone in the long run. He sets expectations based on what he wants, but does them in a way that is respectful. He sets deadlines that while not necessarily easy, are achievable, he wants you to succeed because it doesn't just make him look good, it makes you look good too.

A bully is a man who sees himself as dominant but doesn't take into consideration the feelings / thoughts / concerns of the other people in his universe. He's that boss who makes stupid deadlines just to be able to yell at you when you don't met them. He's that 'DOM' who talks to you like you're just some lesser being... a submissive... SHUDDER! He sees his power coming from what he can 'make' you do, not what you do out of respect for him. He shuts up long enough to allow you to talk, but then ignores everything you just said and does things his way... all the while saying "but didn't I listen to you? Now I'm the Dom / HOH and that means we do things my way".

A partner is this amazing man. He's as naturally dominant as you are naturally submissive. He encourages you to grow and discover yourself while reaping the benefits. He definitely enjoys getting his own way, but 'winning' isn't his goal in life... he doesn't measure his dominance by how often he wins. He's got the ability to laugh one minute, then give you 'the look' the next if you take it too far. He doesn't hold you close at night simply to have easier access.

The Internet is full of bullies who call themselves Dom's. They're not hard to recognize when you talk to them. They want to be addressed as Sir or Master because they view it as their right, not as a title of respect that they should earn from you. They talk to you as if you're just some interchangeable 'sub', not as a person with her own thoughts and feelings and wants from the lifestyle. They expect you to conform to their view of the lifestyle without consideration of what it is you're wanting to get from it.

There's a very fine line between dominant man and bully, it's a line of respect and consideration. I really wish these men who view themselves as Dom's would stop and see which side of that line we read them as being on :(

Marching ever closer to Spring

Well, Maxx is smarter than even I gave him credit for!! After he'd unzipped his crate the other day, I thought long and hard about how to keep him in. I decided to put one of those clips for your keys into the two zipper tags, figuring if he got it open at all, this would at least keep him from being able to open it more than half an inch... WRONG! I guess when he figured out he couldn't force it open any further he decided on a new way to get free. Would you believe it? He ATE THE ZIPPER! Chewed himself up a section of the zipper just big enough for him to squeeze out of! Part of me wanted to praise him for being so smart, part of me wanted to scold him for destroying the crate, but in the end I just ended up spending $80 I didn't want to spend on a wire crate :(

* * * * *

It's so strange to think of Spring approaching when the average temp down here is in the mid to upper 70's in the Winter! Yes it's been kinda cool down here this Winter, but I'm not going to complain when it's more like Spring than Summer for a couple of days LOL! Then I talk to friends up North and hear how cold it is for them. Watching the news is eyeopening when I see all this white stuff on the ground. With everything so green here it's hard to believe it's still so gross up North... nope, don't miss the North a bit LOL!

* * * * *

I've got something I want to blog about, but I promised someone I wouldn't. It's driving me nuts not to talk about it here. Hopefully I'll get the ok to post about it soon!

* * * * *

There's a story on the NBC Nightly News right now about the health issues for people working the night shift. Is there really anyone who doesn't know staying up at night when you're body is designed to be asleep isn't all that great for your health??? What they're not talking about is how it can be dangerous for your backside!!! When you're tired, feeling constantly sleep deprived, and feel like you're missing out on the best part of the day because you're asleep during it... well, I'll just say I tend to say things I didn't intend to say outloud and in a tone I didn't intend to express. Please note I didn't say I didn't mean the tone and words, only that I didn't intend to have them come out of my mouth. Working the night shift is a lot like being sick for me... my 'filters' don't work very well when I'm tired for the upteenth day in a row :(

Hmmm, wonder if I can get outa a future spanking by saying it's not my fault... I'm sleep deprived! WEG!

Just another day

it's just another day in Paradise :)

It's been 2 full days of just me and the dogs in the house... what can I say I'm lovin' it!!! I've been able to come online whenever I want, I even moved the laptop out onto the lanai so I don't have to go into my bedroom to check email or visit my websites! It's liberating to be able to go to the forum and not have to 'hide' every few minutes LOL!!!

My personal life is picking up. Looks like there may be an end to the chronic case of WTS I've been suffering from, and being able to have sex again wouldn't be a bad thing! LOLOLOL!

I'm going to state for the record, lies of omission are still lies! and if you have something to tell someone that you think will keep them from wanting to be back with you, tell them up front, don't wait till they're falling for you again!!! Right now I'm so angry over someone doing this to me that I can't even send them an email telling them how I feel, let alone talk to them on the phone! It's simply not right to hold back IMPORTANT details because you're afraid to risk being rejected.

Ok, back to my happy place LOL!

Maxx has had to stay at home instead of going to work with me because mom's dog doesn't do well at my work. The first night he shredded up the 'piddle pad' I'd put down just in case they needed it. So last night I put him into his 'soft crate'. It's from WalMart and it pops-up and has net sides and a net front flap/door that zips closed. What can I say, I have a brilliant dog! I came home this morning to find him waiting for me at the door instead of in his crate! He'd unzipped it!!!! Guess he had enough time on his hands to figure out how to get free LOL!

I'm going to Ft Lauderdale in 3 weeks to meet a woman I've been wanting to meet for years! She's an 'online friend' who I really enjoy reading and talking to. The night before we go a couple of us girls are having a slumber party at my house. It's so great when you can turn 'online friends' into real women who come over and hang-out and travel with you! The Internet CAN be a dangerous place, but it's also full of real people who make the greatest friends :)

Ok, time to go get changed for work...

5 week semi-vacation

Put Mom on a plane this morning!!!

YIPPIE!!!

I don't want it to sound like she's a terrible person, she's not. It's just that we see the world so very differently and we wear at each other. I know I'm becoming someone who reacts in ways I'm not proud of, so it's not all her. I'm just really looking forward to this next 5 weeks because it gives me a chance to find myself again and hopefully lose the edge I've been developing.

One of the things I really want to do in the next 5 weeks is embrace ME again. Last night was an epiphany night for me. I over-reacted to an email, then was surprised when I felt guilty for how I'd reacted to it. I did something I wouldn't have done lately and apologized, sincerely and honestly.

Talking on the phone with a wonderful person later that evening I realized I AM a submissive woman and that it's not something I have to be embarrassed by, or try to justify to myself. It's not about making a choice between what I 'think' I should be and what I 'want' to be... I just need to be who I am and embrace that side of myself. Sure, there are things to be worked out, and that's normal. Nothing is perfect, but I need to do what it is that makes me feel perfectly right in my own head and heart.

I am who I am, and by God that's nothing to be embarrassed about :)

Death by 'vanilla'?

Is it possible to die from a lack of sex and 'lifestyle'?

I'm starting to think that if that can't kill you, frustration surely can! :(

Changes

There's just so much going on right now. I feel like I'm suddenly facing a point in life where I have to decide who I really am inside and what are the things that matter the most to me.

Which is more important, having someone in my life who understand my thoughts and feelings on DD and D/s and who I can share this lifestyle with, or having someone who meets my 'vanilla' needs; who's romantic and makes me feel adored? Does it have to be one or the other? I just don't know.

The only thing I do know is that I couldn't be truly happy living my life vanilla. It's just not possible for me to live a full life without the structure that DD D/s offers for me. I'm just wired the way I'm wired and I accept this.

But then I hear this little voice whispering into my ear asking could I be truly happy without someone to hold my hand walking down the beach, someone who wants to take me to dinner, someone who just simply wants to be with me even with no 'lifestyle' issues involved.

Damn, I want both. I want the hearts and flowers tied up with rules and paddles... I think I'm about to have it all... and it scares me that I could be wrong.

Maybe I'm just over-tired and rambling, over-thinking things again...

Busy week

It's been a very long week here!

It started with Mom having a dr's appointment, which led to a trip to the hospital the next day for a heart cath, which led to 2 stints being put into the vessels around her heart, which led to her staying overnight in the hospital, which meant I had to call off work for 2 nights, which lead to problems finding people to cover my shift, which led to me getting very tired and irritated with nearly everyone. It's capped off with Mom feeling more herself and being bored with her exercise restrictions, and doing way to good a job with the 'do for me cause I'm restricted' stuff.

Actually one good thing may have come out of this past week, aside from her improved health which of course is a great thing, but we went to dinner Tuesday night and had an important conversation. I THINK I finally got thru to her about how her 'half empty' comments are effecting me... so things may finally be getting better in that area!!! She's says I'm a bitch to live with, which may be true lately, but I think I got her to understand that alot of the bitchiness is coming from her half-empty viewpoint. We're both working on it, so hopefully things will get better soon!

One of the best things to come out of the past week is she's now healthy enough to fly out West like she had scheduled. She leaves in a little over a week, and I was thinking she was gone for 4 weeks, when actually she'll be gone for 5 weeks!!!

YIPPIE!!!!

She's going to get to go enjoy herself visiting family and I can relax, breath, watch bad tv and come online with complete privacy LOL!!!! Now, if only I had some company during that time it would be even better WEG!!!

So a busy week, but a productive one... life could always be better, but for the moment it's good :)

Half Full or Half Empty?

Some people see the glass as being half full, then others see it as being half empty... I'm trying so hard to be a Half Full person.

Life is hard, I'll be honest, sometimes it's just plain awful. But what's the alternative?? I get up each day and hope today will be at least a bit better than yesterday. I'd love for it to be a wonderful day, but I can live with 'better'. It's the only way I know how to get out of bed each day.

Gee, it's raining in SW Florida today, but the grass needs it and think of how the flowers will bloom next week! That's me. Not: Crap, it's raining and I'm stuck inside today. Yeah, I AM stuck inside today due to rain and wind, but if that's all I focus on why aren't I just getting back into bed and pulling the covers over my head?

When I'm faced with taking an emotional risk, I give alot of thought to it, but if I decide to go for it I go for it all the way and do my best to make it work. If all I focused on is what could go wrong, that I could be hurt, I wouldn't try at all and I'd have missed out on some great things/people.

I'm struggling more than I ever thought possible to view my living where I do as a 'half full' situation. The problem for me is I live with someone who not only sees the glass as half empty, but dirty too. I often feel like I'm being bombarded by negative viewpoints. If she yells my name, it's assumed I'm being a bitch and ignoring her vs the fact that I never heard her in the first place. Trust me, I answer when she calls for me because I don't want to deal with the attitude I get otherwise.

Today I was asked to help her pull her tax paperwork out and get it ready. Ok, so I was on here doing something I wanted/needed to do, but I put that aside and went to help. (Is is 'help' when you feel forced?)

I went in and pulled out the bottom drawer and asked what was in it. Got an answer while she closed the drawer. Pulled open the next drawer up, asked what was in it. Got told that was medical receipts and it slammed shut. At that point I got up and left the room.

Next thing I know she's complaining how all she did was 'ask for some help' and I 'walked out and left it all to her to do'. HUH??? 4 drawer cabinet, I asked about 2 drawers and nearly lost a finger in the 2nd one... why would I want to 'help' at this point?

Soooo, I come back and ask what she wants me to do. I'm ignored.

Sit there and ask again what she would like me to do. I get asked what something is that she found on the desk. I say it's a flier reminding her to schedule her tax prep appointment, and she can throw it away since she's already made the appointment. I get ignored while she reads the thing outloud to me. Uh huh, guess what? It IS the reminder to call and it's ok to throw it away. IMAGINE THAT!!! My saying that's what it was apparently didn't mean anything since she had to read it herself.

At this point I'm biting my tongue and wishing I'd gotten in my car and left home about an hour ago.

I open the 2nd drawer down and ask what's in it. I got told 'the papers I need for my taxes'. Ok, great, we're in the right drawer!! Only problem is that the file folders are EMPTY! Ummm, where are the papers that were in here? She points out old grocery bags on the floor and says that they're in there.

Now at this point I'm wondering what she wanted my 'help' with since she's already pulled these papers out. Silly me asked the question :(

Next thing I know she walks out of the room and starts choking up about how all she did was ask for some help and all I'm wanting to do is do things 'my way'. HUH??? Asking 3 questions is doing things my way??? MY WAY would have been to stay online and do what I was doing when she asked for 'help' in the first place!!!

She starts screaming at me that I'm a bitch and ungrateful and bossy and other words I can't remember. Not proud of it, but I'd had enough. I screamed right back and said no one screamed at me and said those things to me. That I was an adult and if she wanted to act like a cranky child to let me know when she grew up and I'd come back to 'help'. Went into my room and got back online.

She'd had the handyman over today to do some work for and we were expecting him back to be paid. About 5 minutes after the blow-up I hear a knock at the door. Btw, her 'office' is halfway thru the house, whereas my room is in the back of the house. So I know that if I heard the knocking she should have heard it too. But I'm giving the benefit of the doubt that she didn't hear it and said "'Bob' is here, he's knocking at the front door". Next thing I know she's screams out that I'm a bitch who won't even get off my lazy ass to answer the door. HUH?

Ok, all this is embarrassing enough to live with, but when she gets up and answers the door she tells 'Bob' that she hadn't heard him knocking but that I had and I'm a bitch who won't answer the door.

Situations like this (minus the screaming) happen here about once a week.

I'm trying to see the glass as half full: at least I'm out of the snow. She's having health issues so at least I'm here to help her with appointments.... lately that's as much as I can think of to put into my glass. And it's pushing it to call that half full.

I'm not miserable. I just hate living with someone who pouts like a child, says things that embarrass the sin out of me infront of other people, answers the phone when the caller id says it's for me and doesn't give me phone messages, and finds the world in general as a sad and nasty place.

The glass IS half full... and I'm going to keep saying it till I can believe it again!

The absolute JOY of having your own wheels!

Please go out and hug your car! LOL!!

You don't realize how much you rely on it until it's no longer available. Last June the transmission in the van decided it was just too tired to work anymore and I've been without 'my very own' car ever since. I've had access to cars, but it's just not the same as it being 'mine'.

2 weeks ago I got new wheels!!! Well new to me anyhow. It's a '96 Lincoln Contentional and has alot of luxury items in it. What it doesn't have are cup holders! Can you imagine a car with no built-in cup holders?