Wednesday, July 29, 2009
Thursday, July 9, 2009
Thursday, June 25, 2009
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
No longer true for me.
I used to think I needed to be spanked to remove the 'bad' from me....
I still try too hard to do everything perfectly, and beat myself up pretty badly when I fail to obtain this unobtainable goal. And I still tend to think I can do things my way vs doing them the way they're intended for me to do. And I'm going to keep working on those things until I get better at them! But one area where I've honestly changed is in how I view myself. I know in my heart now that I'm not a bad person who needs to be 'fixed', I'm a good woman who is worthy of being loved, respected, and protected... even if it's from herself :)
Monday, June 1, 2009
Monday, May 18, 2009
Thursday, May 7, 2009
Don't get me wrong, their wives have done more than their share to help with this too. These wonderful women have listened to be cry, cuss, and ramble while trying to figure things out.
None of them are letting me get away with bs'ing my way through life anymore, making me be honest even when it's painful to do so, and being there to help me every single solitary step of the way. They keep telling me how good I'm doing and how brave I'm being. I want to beleive them, but all I honestly beleive is that the credit for any improvement in my outlook is due to them! I still struggle to beleive this is real, that people love me enough to want to help, but I hope someday to make them proud by REALLY beleiving I'm responsible for this.
When I recently lost my cool and talked to him in a non-submissive manner, he hung-up on me. He basically did what he'd promised he wouldn't do. When we talked the next day he was still pissed over it and was sarcastic, mean, vulgar and intentionally hurtful to me. There's no excuse to talk to anyone the way he talked to me that day, and there's especailly no excuse to treat someone you say you love that way.
Thanks to people who have been treating me with such love and respect, I now see clearly how little love and respect he was treating me with. I also now realize I don't deserve to be treated the way he did, that I was always at risk of being an imposition, 'a bother'. When someone really loves you you should never feel you're bothering them when you just want to say 'hello, I love you'.
I've told him I feel he's treated me badly, and the things I need from him to even try one more time. I know what his answer will be, but I also know that I can say that I tried, that it was him who wasn't willing to try and do the right thing. If asking to be treated respectfully is asking too much, I'm not really losing anything of value.
Saturday, May 2, 2009
Ok, that kinda catches me up for the moment, I hope I can get back here more often when Mom's up North and I have more privacy
Sunday, April 5, 2009
And you know what I hear if/when I complain about the above things?
"Well, they see food and think it's ok for them to eat it. That's just the way Y is."
"We're back together now, what is there to talk about?"
Why is it ok to just accept that that's the way it is... that's the way people are... if it's just simply wrong???
Monday, March 30, 2009
His explaination was that basically it was like when the US dropped the bombs on Japan in WWII. It was a painful decission for the US to make, and of course Japan was devistated, but it had to be done under the current circumstances at that time.
Let me be very very VERY clear here... that while I'm sure that makes perfect 'man logic' sense, I absolutely despise that explaination for what he did. But I can't change his pov on this, so while I don't like it one iota, I'm living with it for now.
When I heard his 'explaination' I thought back to how he'd been acting the couple of weeks between when we made the decission for me to move here and the time when he 'dropped the bomb'. There WERE signs I was seeing, I just didn't know what they meant at the time. I thought his 'strange' attitude was just his way of expressing have as hard a time with my moving away as I was.
What his analogy has provided me with is one of my own. Now when I'm feeling insecure, wondering what it is he's feeling... did he have as good a time together as I did... does he miss me... is he feeling as lonely as I am...
Am I being silly and overthinking things, or am I hearing 'air raid sirens'?
Today I told him I was worried I'd been hearing those sirens for the last couple of days. We haven't been able to communicate very much because he's been very busy with both work and 'real life'. Ok, great, that makes sense. There are plenty of times when I'm too busy to make a call, let alone come online and send an email. And he DID send an email saying he's really busy and would call as soon as he could.
But a year ago I was a 'bomb victim', and now I'm worried about not hearing those air raid sirens if they're going off again. I hear each 'bump in the night' as a possible siren. I'm hearing them when they're not going off, when they've apparently been disabled. He seemed surprised that I was worried I was hearing them again. Why does he get to be surprised? Is it really suprising that after surviving a bomb attack I'm going to have a bit of anxiety about possibly having it happen again?
Part of me feels like I'm being paranoid, that he's happy, he's not even thinking about dong it again, so I need to stop worrying about it. But part of me is upset that he doesn't truly appreciate the damage the first bomb caused and that he needs to help me feel very sure that it won't happen again.
Only time and attention will stop the sirens from echo'ing in my head.
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
I’m tall for a woman
I sleep better when I don’t sleep alone
I cuss too much for my own comfort level
I don’t take good care of myself
Typo’s and grammatical errors make it almost impossible for me to enjoy when I’m trying to read something
I get embarrassed that sometimes I want anal sex
I’d like to lose 30 pounds
I am my most peaceful when I’m the most submissive
I eat way too much junk food
I have a phobia about being spanked with a belt thanks to my ex-husband
I give don’t give blowjobs, I worship it
I wish I could go to college for a career
I get shy sometimes
I think I’m fat
I have no patience with racist people
I have long fingernails
I would rather read than talk to most people
I hold things inside that I wish I was brave enough to say outloud
I value my friends
I have never experienced, but am fascinated by, the cane
I’ve never been spanked to my full limits
I wish I had a better backside
I hate my tummy, but love my breasts
I don’t want to become a ‘needy’ submissive
I wish I could afford corrective eye surgery
I have friends who bring out my dominant side
I like sitting on the floor on my pillow by his knees
My greatest dream is to be happily married
I don’t feel comfortable when he goes down on me
I don’t like vanilla sex
I am bored silly at my job, but still grateful for having it
I am a tactile person
I have a lousy temper
I watch way too much tv and movies
I’m frustrated that the forum I love isn’t busier
I love having a tan, but hate laying out
I’m easily bored
I hide my intelligence
I wish he would be stricter, give me more structure
I wear dark nail polish to seem braver than I am
I have short hair, but wish it was really long
I am an animal lover
I wish I was shorter
I don’t like wearing glasses
I use sex to get out of awkward situations
I hated high school
I’d rather walk down the beach talking and holding hands than go out to dinner
I wish my new friends lived close enough to drop-in on for coffee
I get a tingle when he gets that tone with me
I find watching porn a turn-off
I have a hard time speaking up for myself
I hate veggies
I won’t eat in a restaurant by myself
I wish I had a ‘real’ job that kept me busy
I don’t tend to try new foods for fear I won’t like them
I have 2 kids
I have 4 tattoo’s
My dog is so spoiled because I’m lonely
I only wear gold jewelery
I love gardening
I’ve never had a birthday spanking
I spent 3 years living with a woman, but much prefer men
I have fantasies about being owned by two men
I drink approximately a 12 pack of Diet Coke a day
I give great advice, but rarely follow it myself
I have a green thumb
I’ve left home and forgotten to put my shoes on
I’ve never been on a cruise
I want to exercise, but can’t find the energy to do it
I buy myself gifts because he doesn’t
I love it when he grabs my hair
I’m a grandma
I’m spiritual but not religious
I flirt with men who make me nervous
I smoke cigarettes
I have a hard time giving up control to other people
I don’t drink alcohol often, but when I do I have a hard time stopping
I only shop for bargains
I’ve never owned a new car
I must have houseplants in my home
I value my private time
I love talking on the phone
I wish I’d had a child with J
I love high heels as much as being barefoot
I don’t like people who are always cranky
I’d like to win the lotto just to have enough money to make my own decisions
I’d like to learn to snorkel
I’d rather do something myself so that I know it’s done right
I own over 50 pairs of shoes
I like short skirts, but wear long ones
I’m envious of most of my friends
I wish I lived here on my own
I shop out of stress or boredom
I prefer country over modern
I believe old-fashioned values are a good thing
I’m a romantic
I think I’m in love again
I chose great friends
I'm learning to like myself
1. What curse word do you use the most? - Usually f***, but I wish I could break the habit
2. Do you own an ipod? - No
3. What person on your friends-list do you talk to the most? – it’s a tie between Kaytee, Jen and Cathy
4. What time is your alarm clock set to? – 8pm… I work 3rd shift and don’t want to oversleep from a nap
5. Do you still remember the first person you kissed? – Oh yeah, Henry Gendra at the Skatery!
6. Do you remember where you were on September 11th, 2001? - I was at work. I alternated between watching live coverage on my computer and watching the tv in the dayroom.
7. Would you rather take the picture or be in the picture? - Take it
8. What was the last movie you watched? – I have Netflix, I watch too many movies to remember the last one
9. Do any of your friends have children? - Yes
10. Has anyone ever called you lazy? – yeah, but my mom shouldn’t count
11. Do you ever take medication to help you fall asleep? – only when I haven’t got any other choice
12. What CD is currently in your CD player? – Meat Loaf – Bat Out Of Hell
13. Do you prefer regular or chocolate milk? – Regular Skim Milk… sometimes I’ll do a large glass of chocolate milk as a snack
14. Has anyone told you a secret this week? – I outed one on the forum
15. When was the last time you had Starbucks? – NEVER. I have an issue with a $8 cup of coffee
16. Can you whistle? - Sort of, but I don't
17. What is the first thing you notice about the opposite sex? – Height and hand size
18. What are you looking forward to? – going north in May and seeing my best friend
19. Did you watch cartoons as a child? - Yes
20. Do you own any band t-shirts? – No
21. What will you be doing in one hour? – Fixing my ‘lunch’
22. Is anyone in love with you? – He says he is
23. What was the last song you heard? – Thin Lizzy – The Boys Are Back In Town
24. Last time you cried? – Saturday
25. Desktop computer or a laptop? – Laptop
26. Are you currently wanting any piercings or tattoos? – Yes, just one more tatoo
27. What's the weather like? – Partly cloudy and 80F
28. Would you ever date a girl/guy covered in tattoos? – Covered in? No. Don’t mind if he has some, just not covered in them
29. What did you do before this? – Checked Spanking Tube for new video’s
30. When is the last time you slept on the floor? – The night before I moved here… I’d sold all my furniture
31. How many hours of sleep do you need to function? – I seem to be able to function on less than 4, but 8 would be great!
32. Do you eat breakfast daily? – Almost never
33. Are your days fast-paced? – No, they’re too quiet
34. What did you do last night? – Napped before work, showered, dressed, watched tv, went to work
35. Do you use sarcasm? – I believe you should always go with your strengths LOL!
36. How old will you be turning on your next birthday? - 47
37. Are you picky about spelling and grammar? – YES!
38. Have you ever been to Six Flags? – yes, years ago
39. Do you get along better with the same sex or the opposite sex? - Both equally. It really depends on the individual.
40. Do you like mustard? – Yes, brown is better than yellow
41. Do you sleep on your side? - Yes, with a pillow between my knees to keep my back from being hurt
42. Do you watch the news? – Politics, yes. News, no
43. How did you get one of your scars? – I got bit by a LOT of fire ants last summer
44. Who was the last person to make you mad? – My supervisor at work when he called and woke me up at 11 this morning
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
I struggled because J was the only man I'd ever been submissive to, and without that relationship I stuffed that side of myself down deep inside. It was painful to do, but less painful than the ripping pain of having this side of myself out and available and no one to share it with. Stuffing it inside was a constant ache, but so much less painful than feeling like I'd lost a limb. And in alot of ways I did lose a limb, the part of me that IS submissive.
This post sounds rather depressing, especially for one titled I'm happy LOL! The reason I'm happy is because J and I are back together. I've promised him I won't go into great detail about him here for now, but I can't talk about my life without talking about the fact that he's back in it.
We started talking via email again in January and then on the phone. It was NOT the easiest thing I've ever done! I'd gotten used to the ache, my brain had started to not even recognize it more than 10 or 20 times a day. Talking to him again meant the possiblilty of opening up that side of myself again.
From the beginning I was different this time though. Before I would say 'yes sir' to keep the peace. It was something I said as often out of respect for him as I did out of being afraid to rock the boat. I was sure that if I rocked the boat too much that we'd 'sink'. Well, I'd already sunk and while the swim was hard to do, I'd finally made it to shore. Talking to him meant going back out into the water and I honestly wasn't sure if I was up to even dogpaddling again, let alone climbing back onto the boat.
It took weeks before the word 'sir' came out of me again. I felt it for a bit before I let it come back out... this time he had to earn it! I don't like how that sounds, but I was determined to not make this too easy for him this time. He'd broken my heart, and I was determined to make sure he was really really really wanting me back again before I gave into my own desires.
I'd like to say that this was a good thing. In some ways it was a good thing, it created more conversation and I have felt more 'heard' this time around. But it also caused me alot of internal confusion and conflict. There's just something about J that clicks in me, and I was intentionally fighting my own desires.
Basically it comes down to the fact that I wanted 'us' again so much that I was afraid to go for it. I now knew how much losing it would hurt, and I didn't want to ever put myself in a position to feel that much pain again... I was being very cautious.
Well, this past weekend J was here. I was a massive bundle of nerves, with mood swings that made PMS look like a day at the park. When I saw his car come around the corner my heart started to slam and my palms actually started to get damp. Then he came through the door and I felt rooted to the floor, totally clueless as to what to do. Somehow we met in the middle, I don't remember who took the first step. But I do know that when his arms closed around me I felt the same tension in him that was in me. Then the most amazing thing happened.
It felt 'right'.
The tension drained from me, my throat got tight, and I felt myself starting to cry. All the fears I'd obsessed over about how each moment had the potential to go wrong... it just all went away.
Out of respect for his wishes I won't go into details about the visit. I don't think he'd mind my saying that the sex was fantastic, the cuddling was wonderful, hearing him get that tone when I didn't listen made me tingle, and just being able to touch him again made me feel so peaceful. I'm glad to be back to being part of 'us' again. I feel complete. I feel happy.
Thursday, March 19, 2009
There was the day I was driving by the pizza shop and read the sign that says:
That same day I am sitting at a red light and see the sign on the van beside me:
LET DOM HANDLE IT
this time was for 'Dominic's handyman service', but that's not where my brain went!
While out of town with friends at the beach I see this couple come out of a restraurant. He puts his arm around her shoulder and she puts hers around his waist. They look so 'cute', she's got her head tilted up saying something to him and he's got his tilted slightly listening to what she's saying. I'm thinking how cute and romantic they look, and how I wished I was them at that moment.
That same day we're all getting a bit hot in the sun and go looking for the 'kiddie area' for the friends kids to play in and some shade for the grown-ups. There's a bizillion signs along the boardwalk, it seemed like each store had at least 3 signs trying to lure you into them vs the one next door. But my eyes immediately went to and focused on this one...
And, now there's what happened today....
I went to the grocery store across the street a while ago to get milk. While I was there I ran into someone I knew and 'wandered' the store with him. Of course this meant I bought more than the 2 gallons of milk I went into the store to buy.
One of the store managers also lives in the neighborhood where I do, and the 3 of us ended up wandering together thru the store. When we were done shopping we headed towards the checkout isles. My friend checked out first (he had more stuff than I did lol). The conversation went like this:
Manager: "Where are your canvas bags?"
Me: "Oh crap! I forgot them in the car!".
Manager: "Do I need to spank you to get you to remember them?"
Me: "Well, somebody should!"
Register guy: "Do I need to go someplace else for a minute?"
My next post will be about how I'll be getting spanked in just a few more days :)
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
Lately, I've been thinking about the differences between what makes a 'truly dominant man', a 'bully', and a 'partner in the lifestyle'. Now to me these are obvious, they're just so different how could anyone confuse them????
A truly dominant man is just a man who doesn't have a wimpy bone in his body. His brain just functions in a dominant mode. He sees his role in life to be that of leader, not follower. He takes the needs and feelings of other people into consideration, and he makes what he thinks is the right decision for everyone in the long run. He sets expectations based on what he wants, but does them in a way that is respectful. He sets deadlines that while not necessarily easy, are achievable, he wants you to succeed because it doesn't just make him look good, it makes you look good too.
A bully is a man who sees himself as dominant but doesn't take into consideration the feelings / thoughts / concerns of the other people in his universe. He's that boss who makes stupid deadlines just to be able to yell at you when you don't met them. He's that 'DOM' who talks to you like you're just some lesser being... a submissive... SHUDDER! He sees his power coming from what he can 'make' you do, not what you do out of respect for him. He shuts up long enough to allow you to talk, but then ignores everything you just said and does things his way... all the while saying "but didn't I listen to you? Now I'm the Dom / HOH and that means we do things my way".
A partner is this amazing man. He's as naturally dominant as you are naturally submissive. He encourages you to grow and discover yourself while reaping the benefits. He definitely enjoys getting his own way, but 'winning' isn't his goal in life... he doesn't measure his dominance by how often he wins. He's got the ability to laugh one minute, then give you 'the look' the next if you take it too far. He doesn't hold you close at night simply to have easier access.
The Internet is full of bullies who call themselves Dom's. They're not hard to recognize when you talk to them. They want to be addressed as Sir or Master because they view it as their right, not as a title of respect that they should earn from you. They talk to you as if you're just some interchangeable 'sub', not as a person with her own thoughts and feelings and wants from the lifestyle. They expect you to conform to their view of the lifestyle without consideration of what it is you're wanting to get from it.
There's a very fine line between dominant man and bully, it's a line of respect and consideration. I really wish these men who view themselves as Dom's would stop and see which side of that line we read them as being on :(
Monday, March 2, 2009
It's so strange to think of Spring approaching when the average temp down here is in the mid to upper 70's in the Winter! Yes it's been kinda cool down here this Winter, but I'm not going to complain when it's more like Spring than Summer for a couple of days LOL! Then I talk to friends up North and hear how cold it is for them. Watching the news is eyeopening when I see all this white stuff on the ground. With everything so green here it's hard to believe it's still so gross up North... nope, don't miss the North a bit LOL!
I've got something I want to blog about, but I promised someone I wouldn't. It's driving me nuts not to talk about it here. Hopefully I'll get the ok to post about it soon!
* * * * *
There's a story on the NBC Nightly News right now about the health issues for people working the night shift. Is there really anyone who doesn't know staying up at night when you're body is designed to be asleep isn't all that great for your health??? What they're not talking about is how it can be dangerous for your backside!!! When you're tired, feeling constantly sleep deprived, and feel like you're missing out on the best part of the day because you're asleep during it... well, I'll just say I tend to say things I didn't intend to say outloud and in a tone I didn't intend to express. Please note I didn't say I didn't mean the tone and words, only that I didn't intend to have them come out of my mouth. Working the night shift is a lot like being sick for me... my 'filters' don't work very well when I'm tired for the upteenth day in a row :(
Hmmm, wonder if I can get outa a future spanking by saying it's not my fault... I'm sleep deprived! WEG!
Thursday, February 26, 2009
It's been 2 full days of just me and the dogs in the house... what can I say I'm lovin' it!!! I've been able to come online whenever I want, I even moved the laptop out onto the lanai so I don't have to go into my bedroom to check email or visit my websites! It's liberating to be able to go to the forum and not have to 'hide' every few minutes LOL!!!
My personal life is picking up. Looks like there may be an end to the chronic case of WTS I've been suffering from, and being able to have sex again wouldn't be a bad thing! LOLOLOL!
I'm going to state for the record, lies of omission are still lies! and if you have something to tell someone that you think will keep them from wanting to be back with you, tell them up front, don't wait till they're falling for you again!!! Right now I'm so angry over someone doing this to me that I can't even send them an email telling them how I feel, let alone talk to them on the phone! It's simply not right to hold back IMPORTANT details because you're afraid to risk being rejected.
Ok, back to my happy place LOL!
Maxx has had to stay at home instead of going to work with me because mom's dog doesn't do well at my work. The first night he shredded up the 'piddle pad' I'd put down just in case they needed it. So last night I put him into his 'soft crate'. It's from WalMart and it pops-up and has net sides and a net front flap/door that zips closed. What can I say, I have a brilliant dog! I came home this morning to find him waiting for me at the door instead of in his crate! He'd unzipped it!!!! Guess he had enough time on his hands to figure out how to get free LOL!
I'm going to Ft Lauderdale in 3 weeks to meet a woman I've been wanting to meet for years! She's an 'online friend' who I really enjoy reading and talking to. The night before we go a couple of us girls are having a slumber party at my house. It's so great when you can turn 'online friends' into real women who come over and hang-out and travel with you! The Internet CAN be a dangerous place, but it's also full of real people who make the greatest friends :)
Ok, time to go get changed for work...
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
I don't want it to sound like she's a terrible person, she's not. It's just that we see the world so very differently and we wear at each other. I know I'm becoming someone who reacts in ways I'm not proud of, so it's not all her. I'm just really looking forward to this next 5 weeks because it gives me a chance to find myself again and hopefully lose the edge I've been developing.
One of the things I really want to do in the next 5 weeks is embrace ME again. Last night was an epiphany night for me. I over-reacted to an email, then was surprised when I felt guilty for how I'd reacted to it. I did something I wouldn't have done lately and apologized, sincerely and honestly.
Talking on the phone with a wonderful person later that evening I realized I AM a submissive woman and that it's not something I have to be embarrassed by, or try to justify to myself. It's not about making a choice between what I 'think' I should be and what I 'want' to be... I just need to be who I am and embrace that side of myself. Sure, there are things to be worked out, and that's normal. Nothing is perfect, but I need to do what it is that makes me feel perfectly right in my own head and heart.
I am who I am, and by God that's nothing to be embarrassed about :)
Sunday, February 22, 2009
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Which is more important, having someone in my life who understand my thoughts and feelings on DD and D/s and who I can share this lifestyle with, or having someone who meets my 'vanilla' needs; who's romantic and makes me feel adored? Does it have to be one or the other? I just don't know.
The only thing I do know is that I couldn't be truly happy living my life vanilla. It's just not possible for me to live a full life without the structure that DD D/s offers for me. I'm just wired the way I'm wired and I accept this.
But then I hear this little voice whispering into my ear asking could I be truly happy without someone to hold my hand walking down the beach, someone who wants to take me to dinner, someone who just simply wants to be with me even with no 'lifestyle' issues involved.
Damn, I want both. I want the hearts and flowers tied up with rules and paddles... I think I'm about to have it all... and it scares me that I could be wrong.
Maybe I'm just over-tired and rambling, over-thinking things again...
Sunday, February 15, 2009
It started with Mom having a dr's appointment, which led to a trip to the hospital the next day for a heart cath, which led to 2 stints being put into the vessels around her heart, which led to her staying overnight in the hospital, which meant I had to call off work for 2 nights, which lead to problems finding people to cover my shift, which led to me getting very tired and irritated with nearly everyone. It's capped off with Mom feeling more herself and being bored with her exercise restrictions, and doing way to good a job with the 'do for me cause I'm restricted' stuff.
Actually one good thing may have come out of this past week, aside from her improved health which of course is a great thing, but we went to dinner Tuesday night and had an important conversation. I THINK I finally got thru to her about how her 'half empty' comments are effecting me... so things may finally be getting better in that area!!! She's says I'm a bitch to live with, which may be true lately, but I think I got her to understand that alot of the bitchiness is coming from her half-empty viewpoint. We're both working on it, so hopefully things will get better soon!
One of the best things to come out of the past week is she's now healthy enough to fly out West like she had scheduled. She leaves in a little over a week, and I was thinking she was gone for 4 weeks, when actually she'll be gone for 5 weeks!!!
She's going to get to go enjoy herself visiting family and I can relax, breath, watch bad tv and come online with complete privacy LOL!!!! Now, if only I had some company during that time it would be even better WEG!!!
So a busy week, but a productive one... life could always be better, but for the moment it's good :)
Monday, February 2, 2009
Life is hard, I'll be honest, sometimes it's just plain awful. But what's the alternative?? I get up each day and hope today will be at least a bit better than yesterday. I'd love for it to be a wonderful day, but I can live with 'better'. It's the only way I know how to get out of bed each day.
Gee, it's raining in SW Florida today, but the grass needs it and think of how the flowers will bloom next week! That's me. Not: Crap, it's raining and I'm stuck inside today. Yeah, I AM stuck inside today due to rain and wind, but if that's all I focus on why aren't I just getting back into bed and pulling the covers over my head?
When I'm faced with taking an emotional risk, I give alot of thought to it, but if I decide to go for it I go for it all the way and do my best to make it work. If all I focused on is what could go wrong, that I could be hurt, I wouldn't try at all and I'd have missed out on some great things/people.
I'm struggling more than I ever thought possible to view my living where I do as a 'half full' situation. The problem for me is I live with someone who not only sees the glass as half empty, but dirty too. I often feel like I'm being bombarded by negative viewpoints. If she yells my name, it's assumed I'm being a bitch and ignoring her vs the fact that I never heard her in the first place. Trust me, I answer when she calls for me because I don't want to deal with the attitude I get otherwise.
Today I was asked to help her pull her tax paperwork out and get it ready. Ok, so I was on here doing something I wanted/needed to do, but I put that aside and went to help. (Is is 'help' when you feel forced?)
I went in and pulled out the bottom drawer and asked what was in it. Got an answer while she closed the drawer. Pulled open the next drawer up, asked what was in it. Got told that was medical receipts and it slammed shut. At that point I got up and left the room.
Next thing I know she's complaining how all she did was 'ask for some help' and I 'walked out and left it all to her to do'. HUH??? 4 drawer cabinet, I asked about 2 drawers and nearly lost a finger in the 2nd one... why would I want to 'help' at this point?
Soooo, I come back and ask what she wants me to do. I'm ignored.
Sit there and ask again what she would like me to do. I get asked what something is that she found on the desk. I say it's a flier reminding her to schedule her tax prep appointment, and she can throw it away since she's already made the appointment. I get ignored while she reads the thing outloud to me. Uh huh, guess what? It IS the reminder to call and it's ok to throw it away. IMAGINE THAT!!! My saying that's what it was apparently didn't mean anything since she had to read it herself.
At this point I'm biting my tongue and wishing I'd gotten in my car and left home about an hour ago.
I open the 2nd drawer down and ask what's in it. I got told 'the papers I need for my taxes'. Ok, great, we're in the right drawer!! Only problem is that the file folders are EMPTY! Ummm, where are the papers that were in here? She points out old grocery bags on the floor and says that they're in there.
Now at this point I'm wondering what she wanted my 'help' with since she's already pulled these papers out. Silly me asked the question :(
Next thing I know she walks out of the room and starts choking up about how all she did was ask for some help and all I'm wanting to do is do things 'my way'. HUH??? Asking 3 questions is doing things my way??? MY WAY would have been to stay online and do what I was doing when she asked for 'help' in the first place!!!
She starts screaming at me that I'm a bitch and ungrateful and bossy and other words I can't remember. Not proud of it, but I'd had enough. I screamed right back and said no one screamed at me and said those things to me. That I was an adult and if she wanted to act like a cranky child to let me know when she grew up and I'd come back to 'help'. Went into my room and got back online.
She'd had the handyman over today to do some work for and we were expecting him back to be paid. About 5 minutes after the blow-up I hear a knock at the door. Btw, her 'office' is halfway thru the house, whereas my room is in the back of the house. So I know that if I heard the knocking she should have heard it too. But I'm giving the benefit of the doubt that she didn't hear it and said "'Bob' is here, he's knocking at the front door". Next thing I know she's screams out that I'm a bitch who won't even get off my lazy ass to answer the door. HUH?
Ok, all this is embarrassing enough to live with, but when she gets up and answers the door she tells 'Bob' that she hadn't heard him knocking but that I had and I'm a bitch who won't answer the door.
Situations like this (minus the screaming) happen here about once a week.
I'm trying to see the glass as half full: at least I'm out of the snow. She's having health issues so at least I'm here to help her with appointments.... lately that's as much as I can think of to put into my glass. And it's pushing it to call that half full.
I'm not miserable. I just hate living with someone who pouts like a child, says things that embarrass the sin out of me infront of other people, answers the phone when the caller id says it's for me and doesn't give me phone messages, and finds the world in general as a sad and nasty place.
The glass IS half full... and I'm going to keep saying it till I can believe it again!