Friday, October 31, 2008
I worked last night 11p to 7a, then again today from 3p to 11p... yes, I'm tired!!! But it made for a 40 hour week, so I'm not complaining. Next week is going to be 40 hours again, so at least one of my paychecks in the next few months will be nice LOL!
I did something the other day that I'm really glad I got to do. Not sure how it's going to turn out, but it's better already than it was before :)
Early appt to get my haircut in the morning then hitting Bealls for their 'early bell ringer' sale!!! Time to buy a new robe... and shoes!!! WEG!
Thursday, October 30, 2008
How come I'M supposed to 'get it'? How come I'm not 'the girl' too? Don't I get to be the one who screeches and flails and waits for someone else to 'get it'?
Ok, yes, I 'got it'. It took about 20 minutes (dang those things are fast and hide well in a recliner!), but I 'got it' with a tissue and 'freed it' outside.
Geeze, when do I get to be 'the girl'??
I guess when it comes to 'getting it' Mom gets to be the girl... but I know exactly what area's I'm 'the girl' at... and bugs are NOT involved ;)
Monday, October 27, 2008
How to Get Along with Me
* Tell me that you appreciate me. Be specific.
* Share fun times with me.
* Take an interest in my problems, though I will probably try to focus on yours.
* Let me know that I am important and special to you.
* Be gentle if you decide to criticize me.
What I Like About Being a Doris
* being able to relate easily to people and to make friends
* knowing what people need and being able to make their lives better
* being generous, caring, and warm
* being sensitive to and perceptive about others' feelings
* being enthusiastic and fun-loving, and having a good sense of humor
What's Hard About Being a Doris
* not being able to say no
* feeling drained from overdoing for others
* not doing things I really like to do for myself for fear of being selfish
* criticizing myself for not feeling as loving as I think I should
* working so hard to be tactful and considerate that I suppress my real feelings
Yes, sometimes I am over it, but those moments are rare and short-lived. What they're not hearing is how almost constantly my heart still aches. Honestly, it's not just my heart that aches, it's my arms that miss laying across his chest, it's my hands that miss the feel of his body, it's my mouth that misses the taste of him. I miss his smell, his taste, the sound of his voice. I crave feeling him holding my arm gently behind me headed to my bedroom. I miss the feel of his lips kissing me, the feel of his arms when they'd close around me. I miss feeling safe, as if together we were stronger than anything that could come at us. It wasn't about money, it wasn't about 'stuff', it was something more... I miss just looking over and seeing him there. I find myself waking up in the middle of the night with my mouth nursing him, only he's not there. I still wake up several times a week with tears in my eyes. I'm not over this, and I'm not sure how I feel about it.
I want to be past it because it just hurts so much. But if I get over it then it's like I've lost something beyond measure. Damnit, I felt my world tilt the first time I saw him, and for everyday thereafter I felt my heart 'thump' when I'd hear his voice. We were apart for 3 years, and even during the relationship I was in for those 3 years he haunted my dreams and never left my thoughts.
I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. I accepted him for who he was and loved the man he tried to hide and protect. I made mistakes during our relationship, but they only showed me how much HE was what I wanted, that no one was going to take his place in my soul. I was scared about this move, and I know it had to be hard for him. too But the best things in life are sometimes the things that are the hardest to achieve. We were worth the effort.
November is coming. I know he'll probably be in my area soon. If not November, then between Christmas and New Years. The idea of him so close yet so far is killing me.
I have a song lyric haunting me for the last few days. "Don't they know it's the end of the world, it ended when you said goodbye". Don't they know I still miss him, miss us, miss the future we could have had together? Doesn't he know what he said he did as the right thing for me is slowly destroying my life? Doesn't he know he can come back and know I'll still love him?
Got a call and will be working 5 days/nights this week vs 4. My paycheck always appreciates these weeks LOL! Before I moved here was a point where I worked 23 days straight. As much as I liked THAT paycheck, I think I'll take SW Florida over NE Ohio :)
7 days till Maxx gets neutered. Hopefully it will deter his yearning to run across the street and to chase rabbits into the preserve.
Sunday, October 26, 2008
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
When I was talking to Sir G the other day he reminded me of something important. He'd asked me once what word I would use to describe my emotions while dating J. I used the word lonely. I was lonely alot. He kept me at either arms length or pulled tightly against his heart, there never seemed to be a middle ground. I wish I could remember the lonely times more often, then maybe I wouldn't still be feeling so damn lonely now.
But instead of remembering the lonely times, I just wish he'd come back again and let me into his life, into the 'middle ground'. When does this end???
Monday, October 20, 2008
He's only the second man in my life that I've respected enough to call Sir, and the only one who's stood by me thru everything.
You weren't 'nice' Sir G, but you reminded me of some harsh truths that I needed to hear again. You wife KT is one very lucky woman... most of the time WEG!
Sunday, October 19, 2008
Got asked out, freaked out like a total twit. Tried to get overtime at work, almost lost a day on the schedule. Made the appointment to get poor Maxx neutered. Have been totally confused about my thoughts about J yet once again.
Today was supposed to be spent doing a movie and lunch with C, but she had to cancel. I totally understand why she had to cancel, but I was really looking forward to us getting to spend some girl-time together. Hopefully things will work out soon for us to spend a day together... even if it means forcing her into a bathing suit and just hanging at the pool WEG!
My brain is still jumping all over the place when I think about J. There were sooooo many things wrong with that relationship, and I can honestly lay 98% of them directly a his feet. He treated me like his dirty little secret and refused to allow me into his 'real life'. My 2% of the blame comes in allowing it to happen and not throwing a total fit about it much sooner than I did. It probably wasn't fair of me to wait until this had been going on for almost 6 years and we were on vacation to unload how I was feeling. Though I probably would have not said anything if I hadn't been so sick at the time... apparently being ill and feeling awful removed my internal filter that had me keeping too much to myself.
Oh well, I'll admit I still miss 'us' and still cry over it from time to time. I'll also admit I'm not sure if I'm looking forward to the time when I don't miss him. Gee, I'm still pretty confused, but at least I'm clearheaded enough to acknowledge it! :)
Friday, October 17, 2008
Working midnights makes sleeping 'normally' hard enough, but this cycle has me feeling tired all the time and my emotions are getting closer and closer to the surface.
Today was a good example of my emotions being much too close to the surface. Each time I woke up I felt more and more that what I needed to really SLEEP was to be wrapped in J's arms... to feel protected and cherished. My logical mind is past this, but when I'm this tired all I want is to not be alone, to feel that someone out there gives a crap if I live or die, that someone feels I'm worth being held and cuddled. Geeze, I'm sitting here typing this and tearing up.
I want to blame this on being sleep deprived, but I wonder is it the lack of sleep or is being so tired allowing my true heart to break thru the wall I've tried to put around it?
I'm so damn unhappy. I tell everyone how great I'm doing, how much I love living here, how much I 'like' my job, and in my heart I know it's all bs. I'm just saying it to keep everyone else happy, to not have to explain how I am feeling... to not have to acknowledge outloud how miserable I am.
Right now I'd swallow every ounce of pride I have to hear his voice. I can't think of anything I wouldn't give up to feel his arms close around me again.
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
I was nervous and things turned out fine and we're back to laughing and flirting... hopefully things stay this way.
I'm obviously not ready to date... wonder if I'll ever be :(
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
I don't interact with many people at work (most people are sleeping during my working hours), but I do see the newspaper delivery people and the maintenance people when they're arriving for work. One of the newspaper delivery people I see is a man who's in his late 40's who delivers the paper as his 2nd job. I won't mention what his first job is, but I'm shocked with what he does for a living he needs a second income. He's sweet, funny and greets me each morning with "good morning beautiful". We've had some fun flirting with each other since June and I do look forward to seeing him in the mornings.
Well, today I ran into him at Publix when I was buying my bi-monthly junkfood stash for work. He was teasing me about how much junk / candy I had in the cart and I was teasing him about the icky veggies he had in the basket on his arm. We were laughing in line and I was just enjoying laughing and flirting with him. When I was checking out he off-handedly made a comment that blew me away. He asked me out to dinner and dancing at this club we'd been discussing while in line.
Suddenly I felt light-headed and like my stomach had dropped 10 feet. I felt like I sounded like an idiot when I said thanks but no thanks. I hadn't realized how freaked out I would be just by having a nice guy ask me out. I am embarrassed by how freaked out I got. I had men ask me out when I was with J and it never really phased me, so I don't understand why I felt like I did today. I finished paying for my junk and headed to the car. While I was standing there he came over and actually apologized for upsetting me. I'm so damn embarrassed!!
I'm going to see him this morning when I'm at work, so I'm 3 hours away from leaving for work and already dreading it.
Sometimes I could kick J in the... you get my point. Before he broke my heart the idea of being asked out would have made me feel great, now apparently it makes me feel like throwing up :(
Monday, October 13, 2008
Does a bald eagle really need someone to put out a thawed turkey from Publix to feed it?
Do we really need to catch the snake and 'relocate' it someplace 'safer'?
If 'relocating' the alligators is so helpful, how come it keeps coming back to the same spot a month later?
The one people seem to feel a compulsive need to 'help' the most often are the turtles. I'm not talking little turtles here, I'm talking turtles that have shells over a foot in width. They've obviously survived a long time to get to this size, yet my neighbors keep 'helping' them. Today I was watching one tottle down the street towards the lake/pond when someone saw it, stopped their golf cart, picked it up, and moved it from the street to my yard. Now we're not talking a busy street here, remember that most of us drive golf carts up and down the streets here. This poor turtle had worked a long time to get to where he was, then when 'helped' into my yard they put him back about 20 feet farther from the water he was headed to. I watched him go back into the street and start off towards the pond again, only to have someone else stop and put it into the grass even farther back from the water than he was the last time!
Again he wandered back into the street and headed towards the water. This time he almost made it when someone picked him up and put him in the grass. At least this time it was the grass where the lake/pond is!!! Each time someone would pick him up his legs would thrash and his head would whip all around. Wouldn't you take this to mean 'leave me the hell alone'?
Watching this scene play out got me to thinking about my friends and acquaintance's who are trying to 'help' me. I know you love me, and I know you only have the best of intentions in your heart, but please stop telling me about the 'real job' you heard of that I'd be perfect for. I am more than satisfied doing (or not doing) what I am for now. Please stop trying to get me to date this great guy you know. I don't want to date right now. I'm not ready. I don't know if I'll ever be ready again, but when/if I am I promise you all will be the first to know.
I am bored at work, but I have a job where I'm not going to be downsized or outsourced or closed down. I make barely enough money but I know my job isn't going anywhere. Right now it's the safest thing in my life, ok?
I'm lonely, I miss J. I miss DD. I miss being held and stroked and touched and yeah, I really miss having my hair pulled and lead to the bedroom by him holding my arm and leading me. I'm not ready to let someone else in that deep into my heart yet. I gave J my soul, I believed I'd spend the rest of my life safe in his heart. I'm not ready to risk being hurt again. Please give me time to figure out who I am now before I try to find someone to 'complete' me.
Help is given with the best of intentions, but like that turtle today, sometimes you just need to be left alone to tottle towards the water at your own pace.
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
Work is work. I'm still bored mindless and giggling over actually being paid to stay up all night and watch movies and read. In this economy I'm just grateful for a paycheck, so I'm not complaining too much.
Politics have been keeping my attention lately. I won't go into the details of who I beleive and who makes me scream at the tv, but those who know me know who I'm backing and know they won't be changing my mind.
I've been thinking alot about J lately. He'd planned so much on his 401K allowing him to retire (or semi-retire) in the next few years. I know he's very cautious about his investments, but with the stockmarket nightmare going worldwide, I can't stop worrying about how he's being effected. As much as he hurt me, I hate the thought that all he'd wanted for himself and his future could now be destroyed. I can stay I'm past him all I want (and in someways I am), but when you love someone who you imagine growing old with, I guess you never stop worrying about them and hoping they're not in pain.
Yup, I still love him and wish things were different. Today is just one of those days.
Maxx is getting bigger and bigger. His mom was 6 lbs and his dad was 8 lbs and at 6 months old Maxx is now 11 lbs! If he gets much bigger he won't fit on my lap LOL! He's still a big baby tho and the main man in my life. Wonder how he'll feel about me next month when I take him in to get neutered? LOL!
Ok, well that's it for here for now. I'll try to post more often and keep a better eye out on the weather.