Friday, September 19, 2008

Random update

Sorry for the delay in blogging updates. Privacy is hard to find around here now, and coming on here and 'talking' is something I do with emotion, and it's difficult to come here and blog then leave my room and be 'normal'. I'll definately have to work on this tho, I don't like when blogs I read don't update on a regular basis, so I don't want to be what I don't like having done to me.

If your brain isn't twisted and semi-fried from that last sentence, keep reading LOL!

Things with mom and I are better. We haven't found our 'room-mate' rhythm again yet, but it's a vast improvement over the first few days.

The drive from Ohio to Florida was tough. The only other time I've been on those highways was with J, and there were alot of memories on that drive for me. The worst was crossing the state line between North & South Carolina and remembering 'playing' with J each time we were on that stretch of road... there's possibly some truckers out there with stories to tell of what they saw in the van/car WEG! Stopping in the first restarea in South Carolina brought me to tears. That's where the first palm tree is on that drive and it was always something special to me. It meant we were really 'away' and going to have 'us' time. Seeing it this time was a shock because I hadn't even thought about seeing it, so it really kicked me in the heart when it came into view.

I don't know what to say I miss the most... intimacy, sex, spanking, DD, or all of the above. I can't imagine feeling those feelings again with anyone else, so I don't hold out much hope of having 3 things on that list ever again. Ok, enough of that, I don't want to be depressed today!!!

Tomorrow morning I'm going to grab the least amount of sleep my body requires then I'm heading out to spend time with C & her husband L. I love spending time with them and haven't really gotten to do so in months!! C and I have been able to get together a couple of times over the summer, but I haven't seen L since the Spring. Tomorrow is dinner, drinks and 'dish'... I can't wait!!

Angel is back online!!! I miss reading her blog(s) and am thrilled she's back online. I'd like to link her new blog on my blogroll, but will wait till she says it's ok first :)

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

'Home' is more than a word

There's a big difference between a house and 'home'. This past summer I really felt like I was home.... now I feel like I live in a house. Like I live in a house where I'm not welcome.

I got home with my mom on Sunday. 4 days in the car was tough, but only really due to the lack of privacy. Travelling with Mom was enjoyable 95% of the time. From pretty much the moment we walked into the house, I've been miserable. I don't know what happened, but she's been sooooo cranky and nasty and negative. Her tone is always at least half pissed off, her pov is ALWAYS the glass is not just half empty, but it's dirty and leaving a ring on the table. It's hard to live with someone who can't seem to find anything positive to say about anything!

I'm really praying that this is just a temporary readjustment period for her. If it's not, I'm going to end up homeless because I can't live like this for much long :(

Monday, September 8, 2008

Back home

Being couped up in a car with any other human being for 5 days is a test in patience!!!

My mom's not a bad travelling companion, but after about the 3rd day in the car I was ready to leave her at a roadside rest stop!!! Not that she did anything to annoy me, I was just ready to have 10 minutes of 'alone' time and that simply isn't going to happen when you're sharing car space, motel rooms, and even sightseeing together.

The weather has cooled just the slightest here, so now it's actually possible to be outside for 10 minutes without sweating, vs the 3 minutes you had just a week ago! Come on January!!! I'm ready for highs around 80 instead of 100+ heat indexes.

Settling back in at home with Mom and her dog is taking a bit of time. I'd gotten used to doing things my way and now I'm having to adjust to not having any privacy 24/7 again... wish me luck in not running away from home in the next 30 days LOL!

Monday, September 1, 2008

Labor Day

Well, it's Labor Day. The day we're supposed to celebrate the 'work' we do, and reflect on the work we've put into our lives.

I keep thinking about the thing I put the most work into for the past 6 years... my relationship with J. Funny thing, when he ended 'us', one of the things he said was that he wasn't willing to put the work into our relationship that would be needed.

For the last 6 months I've been thinking about the work that goes into making a relationship work. I've come to realize that to him it was barely a part-time job and for me it was where I put in untold hours of unpaid overtime.

For the last couple of months I've been writting a post where I say 'goodbye' to our relationship in my head. I've come up with some pretty pithy comments, some revealing insights, and some words I wish I'd been able to say to him over the years. But know what? None of it really makes a difference. Well, it makes a difference to me but wouldn't make a difference to him.

So, I've figured out what our relationship needs from me for 5 1/2 years of work.


I gave it everything I had, and parts of me I didn't even realize I had. I made it the centerpoint of my life and worked everything else around it. I refused to acknowledge that while the position had some perks and some great moments, I was being unappreciated, overworked and only paid when I insisted on collecting a paycheck.

I'll miss the person I was in that job. But somewhere out there is a job where I get to be that person again and get paid vacations, paid sick-time, merit raises, and when overtime is needed, I'm asked and not ordered to do it.

The job market may be rough at this time, but with enough resumes and interviews, I'm now sure that eventually I'll come across the right position for me and I'll be glad to accept the job!