Thursday, February 26, 2009

Just another day

it's just another day in Paradise :)

It's been 2 full days of just me and the dogs in the house... what can I say I'm lovin' it!!! I've been able to come online whenever I want, I even moved the laptop out onto the lanai so I don't have to go into my bedroom to check email or visit my websites! It's liberating to be able to go to the forum and not have to 'hide' every few minutes LOL!!!

My personal life is picking up. Looks like there may be an end to the chronic case of WTS I've been suffering from, and being able to have sex again wouldn't be a bad thing! LOLOLOL!

I'm going to state for the record, lies of omission are still lies! and if you have something to tell someone that you think will keep them from wanting to be back with you, tell them up front, don't wait till they're falling for you again!!! Right now I'm so angry over someone doing this to me that I can't even send them an email telling them how I feel, let alone talk to them on the phone! It's simply not right to hold back IMPORTANT details because you're afraid to risk being rejected.

Ok, back to my happy place LOL!

Maxx has had to stay at home instead of going to work with me because mom's dog doesn't do well at my work. The first night he shredded up the 'piddle pad' I'd put down just in case they needed it. So last night I put him into his 'soft crate'. It's from WalMart and it pops-up and has net sides and a net front flap/door that zips closed. What can I say, I have a brilliant dog! I came home this morning to find him waiting for me at the door instead of in his crate! He'd unzipped it!!!! Guess he had enough time on his hands to figure out how to get free LOL!

I'm going to Ft Lauderdale in 3 weeks to meet a woman I've been wanting to meet for years! She's an 'online friend' who I really enjoy reading and talking to. The night before we go a couple of us girls are having a slumber party at my house. It's so great when you can turn 'online friends' into real women who come over and hang-out and travel with you! The Internet CAN be a dangerous place, but it's also full of real people who make the greatest friends :)

Ok, time to go get changed for work...

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

5 week semi-vacation

Put Mom on a plane this morning!!!


I don't want it to sound like she's a terrible person, she's not. It's just that we see the world so very differently and we wear at each other. I know I'm becoming someone who reacts in ways I'm not proud of, so it's not all her. I'm just really looking forward to this next 5 weeks because it gives me a chance to find myself again and hopefully lose the edge I've been developing.

One of the things I really want to do in the next 5 weeks is embrace ME again. Last night was an epiphany night for me. I over-reacted to an email, then was surprised when I felt guilty for how I'd reacted to it. I did something I wouldn't have done lately and apologized, sincerely and honestly.

Talking on the phone with a wonderful person later that evening I realized I AM a submissive woman and that it's not something I have to be embarrassed by, or try to justify to myself. It's not about making a choice between what I 'think' I should be and what I 'want' to be... I just need to be who I am and embrace that side of myself. Sure, there are things to be worked out, and that's normal. Nothing is perfect, but I need to do what it is that makes me feel perfectly right in my own head and heart.

I am who I am, and by God that's nothing to be embarrassed about :)

Sunday, February 22, 2009

Death by 'vanilla'?

Is it possible to die from a lack of sex and 'lifestyle'?

I'm starting to think that if that can't kill you, frustration surely can! :(

Wednesday, February 18, 2009


There's just so much going on right now. I feel like I'm suddenly facing a point in life where I have to decide who I really am inside and what are the things that matter the most to me.

Which is more important, having someone in my life who understand my thoughts and feelings on DD and D/s and who I can share this lifestyle with, or having someone who meets my 'vanilla' needs; who's romantic and makes me feel adored? Does it have to be one or the other? I just don't know.

The only thing I do know is that I couldn't be truly happy living my life vanilla. It's just not possible for me to live a full life without the structure that DD D/s offers for me. I'm just wired the way I'm wired and I accept this.

But then I hear this little voice whispering into my ear asking could I be truly happy without someone to hold my hand walking down the beach, someone who wants to take me to dinner, someone who just simply wants to be with me even with no 'lifestyle' issues involved.

Damn, I want both. I want the hearts and flowers tied up with rules and paddles... I think I'm about to have it all... and it scares me that I could be wrong.

Maybe I'm just over-tired and rambling, over-thinking things again...

Sunday, February 15, 2009

Busy week

It's been a very long week here!

It started with Mom having a dr's appointment, which led to a trip to the hospital the next day for a heart cath, which led to 2 stints being put into the vessels around her heart, which led to her staying overnight in the hospital, which meant I had to call off work for 2 nights, which lead to problems finding people to cover my shift, which led to me getting very tired and irritated with nearly everyone. It's capped off with Mom feeling more herself and being bored with her exercise restrictions, and doing way to good a job with the 'do for me cause I'm restricted' stuff.

Actually one good thing may have come out of this past week, aside from her improved health which of course is a great thing, but we went to dinner Tuesday night and had an important conversation. I THINK I finally got thru to her about how her 'half empty' comments are effecting me... so things may finally be getting better in that area!!! She's says I'm a bitch to live with, which may be true lately, but I think I got her to understand that alot of the bitchiness is coming from her half-empty viewpoint. We're both working on it, so hopefully things will get better soon!

One of the best things to come out of the past week is she's now healthy enough to fly out West like she had scheduled. She leaves in a little over a week, and I was thinking she was gone for 4 weeks, when actually she'll be gone for 5 weeks!!!


She's going to get to go enjoy herself visiting family and I can relax, breath, watch bad tv and come online with complete privacy LOL!!!! Now, if only I had some company during that time it would be even better WEG!!!

So a busy week, but a productive one... life could always be better, but for the moment it's good :)

Monday, February 2, 2009

Half Full or Half Empty?

Some people see the glass as being half full, then others see it as being half empty... I'm trying so hard to be a Half Full person.

Life is hard, I'll be honest, sometimes it's just plain awful. But what's the alternative?? I get up each day and hope today will be at least a bit better than yesterday. I'd love for it to be a wonderful day, but I can live with 'better'. It's the only way I know how to get out of bed each day.

Gee, it's raining in SW Florida today, but the grass needs it and think of how the flowers will bloom next week! That's me. Not: Crap, it's raining and I'm stuck inside today. Yeah, I AM stuck inside today due to rain and wind, but if that's all I focus on why aren't I just getting back into bed and pulling the covers over my head?

When I'm faced with taking an emotional risk, I give alot of thought to it, but if I decide to go for it I go for it all the way and do my best to make it work. If all I focused on is what could go wrong, that I could be hurt, I wouldn't try at all and I'd have missed out on some great things/people.

I'm struggling more than I ever thought possible to view my living where I do as a 'half full' situation. The problem for me is I live with someone who not only sees the glass as half empty, but dirty too. I often feel like I'm being bombarded by negative viewpoints. If she yells my name, it's assumed I'm being a bitch and ignoring her vs the fact that I never heard her in the first place. Trust me, I answer when she calls for me because I don't want to deal with the attitude I get otherwise.

Today I was asked to help her pull her tax paperwork out and get it ready. Ok, so I was on here doing something I wanted/needed to do, but I put that aside and went to help. (Is is 'help' when you feel forced?)

I went in and pulled out the bottom drawer and asked what was in it. Got an answer while she closed the drawer. Pulled open the next drawer up, asked what was in it. Got told that was medical receipts and it slammed shut. At that point I got up and left the room.

Next thing I know she's complaining how all she did was 'ask for some help' and I 'walked out and left it all to her to do'. HUH??? 4 drawer cabinet, I asked about 2 drawers and nearly lost a finger in the 2nd one... why would I want to 'help' at this point?

Soooo, I come back and ask what she wants me to do. I'm ignored.

Sit there and ask again what she would like me to do. I get asked what something is that she found on the desk. I say it's a flier reminding her to schedule her tax prep appointment, and she can throw it away since she's already made the appointment. I get ignored while she reads the thing outloud to me. Uh huh, guess what? It IS the reminder to call and it's ok to throw it away. IMAGINE THAT!!! My saying that's what it was apparently didn't mean anything since she had to read it herself.

At this point I'm biting my tongue and wishing I'd gotten in my car and left home about an hour ago.

I open the 2nd drawer down and ask what's in it. I got told 'the papers I need for my taxes'. Ok, great, we're in the right drawer!! Only problem is that the file folders are EMPTY! Ummm, where are the papers that were in here? She points out old grocery bags on the floor and says that they're in there.

Now at this point I'm wondering what she wanted my 'help' with since she's already pulled these papers out. Silly me asked the question :(

Next thing I know she walks out of the room and starts choking up about how all she did was ask for some help and all I'm wanting to do is do things 'my way'. HUH??? Asking 3 questions is doing things my way??? MY WAY would have been to stay online and do what I was doing when she asked for 'help' in the first place!!!

She starts screaming at me that I'm a bitch and ungrateful and bossy and other words I can't remember. Not proud of it, but I'd had enough. I screamed right back and said no one screamed at me and said those things to me. That I was an adult and if she wanted to act like a cranky child to let me know when she grew up and I'd come back to 'help'. Went into my room and got back online.

She'd had the handyman over today to do some work for and we were expecting him back to be paid. About 5 minutes after the blow-up I hear a knock at the door. Btw, her 'office' is halfway thru the house, whereas my room is in the back of the house. So I know that if I heard the knocking she should have heard it too. But I'm giving the benefit of the doubt that she didn't hear it and said "'Bob' is here, he's knocking at the front door". Next thing I know she's screams out that I'm a bitch who won't even get off my lazy ass to answer the door. HUH?

Ok, all this is embarrassing enough to live with, but when she gets up and answers the door she tells 'Bob' that she hadn't heard him knocking but that I had and I'm a bitch who won't answer the door.

Situations like this (minus the screaming) happen here about once a week.

I'm trying to see the glass as half full: at least I'm out of the snow. She's having health issues so at least I'm here to help her with appointments.... lately that's as much as I can think of to put into my glass. And it's pushing it to call that half full.

I'm not miserable. I just hate living with someone who pouts like a child, says things that embarrass the sin out of me infront of other people, answers the phone when the caller id says it's for me and doesn't give me phone messages, and finds the world in general as a sad and nasty place.

The glass IS half full... and I'm going to keep saying it till I can believe it again!