Hearing things in my head

When J and I started talking again, of course the subject of how he ended us a year before came up. Being blindsided is never nice, and I felt I was owed an explaination. I hear "I'm sorry it hurt you", "I wish I'd been able to handle it differently", basically what I wasn't hearing was those 3 little words... I AM SORRY.

His explaination was that basically it was like when the US dropped the bombs on Japan in WWII. It was a painful decission for the US to make, and of course Japan was devistated, but it had to be done under the current circumstances at that time.

Let me be very very VERY clear here... that while I'm sure that makes perfect 'man logic' sense, I absolutely despise that explaination for what he did. But I can't change his pov on this, so while I don't like it one iota, I'm living with it for now.

When I heard his 'explaination' I thought back to how he'd been acting the couple of weeks between when we made the decission for me to move here and the time when he 'dropped the bomb'. There WERE signs I was seeing, I just didn't know what they meant at the time. I thought his 'strange' attitude was just his way of expressing have as hard a time with my moving away as I was.

What his analogy has provided me with is one of my own. Now when I'm feeling insecure, wondering what it is he's feeling... did he have as good a time together as I did... does he miss me... is he feeling as lonely as I am...

Am I being silly and overthinking things, or am I hearing 'air raid sirens'?

Today I told him I was worried I'd been hearing those sirens for the last couple of days. We haven't been able to communicate very much because he's been very busy with both work and 'real life'. Ok, great, that makes sense. There are plenty of times when I'm too busy to make a call, let alone come online and send an email. And he DID send an email saying he's really busy and would call as soon as he could.

But a year ago I was a 'bomb victim', and now I'm worried about not hearing those air raid sirens if they're going off again. I hear each 'bump in the night' as a possible siren. I'm hearing them when they're not going off, when they've apparently been disabled. He seemed surprised that I was worried I was hearing them again. Why does he get to be surprised? Is it really suprising that after surviving a bomb attack I'm going to have a bit of anxiety about possibly having it happen again?

Part of me feels like I'm being paranoid, that he's happy, he's not even thinking about dong it again, so I need to stop worrying about it. But part of me is upset that he doesn't truly appreciate the damage the first bomb caused and that he needs to help me feel very sure that it won't happen again.

Only time and attention will stop the sirens from echo'ing in my head.

100+ things about me

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Meme

I saw this on Hermione's Heart and am 'borrowing' it...

1. What curse word do you use the most? - Usually f***, but I wish I could break the habit

2. Do you own an ipod? - No

3. What person on your friends-list do you talk to the most? – it’s a tie between Kaytee, Jen and Cathy

4. What time is your alarm clock set to? – 8pm… I work 3rd shift and don’t want to oversleep from a nap

5. Do you still remember the first person you kissed? – Oh yeah, Henry Gendra at the Skatery!

6. Do you remember where you were on September 11th, 2001? - I was at work. I alternated between watching live coverage on my computer and watching the tv in the dayroom.

7. Would you rather take the picture or be in the picture? - Take it

8. What was the last movie you watched? – I have Netflix, I watch too many movies to remember the last one

9. Do any of your friends have children? - Yes

10. Has anyone ever called you lazy? – yeah, but my mom shouldn’t count

11. Do you ever take medication to help you fall asleep? – only when I haven’t got any other choice

12. What CD is currently in your CD player? – Meat Loaf – Bat Out Of Hell

13. Do you prefer regular or chocolate milk? – Regular Skim Milk… sometimes I’ll do a large glass of chocolate milk as a snack

14. Has anyone told you a secret this week? – I outed one on the forum

15. When was the last time you had Starbucks? – NEVER. I have an issue with a $8 cup of coffee

16. Can you whistle? - Sort of, but I don't

17. What is the first thing you notice about the opposite sex? – Height and hand size

18. What are you looking forward to? – going north in May and seeing my best friend

19. Did you watch cartoons as a child? - Yes

20. Do you own any band t-shirts? – No

21. What will you be doing in one hour? – Fixing my ‘lunch’

22. Is anyone in love with you? – He says he is

23. What was the last song you heard? – Thin Lizzy – The Boys Are Back In Town

24. Last time you cried? – Saturday

25. Desktop computer or a laptop? – Laptop

26. Are you currently wanting any piercings or tattoos? – Yes, just one more tatoo

27. What's the weather like? – Partly cloudy and 80F

28. Would you ever date a girl/guy covered in tattoos? – Covered in? No. Don’t mind if he has some, just not covered in them

29. What did you do before this? – Checked Spanking Tube for new video’s

30. When is the last time you slept on the floor? – The night before I moved here… I’d sold all my furniture

31. How many hours of sleep do you need to function? – I seem to be able to function on less than 4, but 8 would be great!

32. Do you eat breakfast daily? – Almost never

33. Are your days fast-paced? – No, they’re too quiet

34. What did you do last night? – Napped before work, showered, dressed, watched tv, went to work

35. Do you use sarcasm? – I believe you should always go with your strengths LOL!

36. How old will you be turning on your next birthday? - 47

37. Are you picky about spelling and grammar? – YES!

38. Have you ever been to Six Flags? – yes, years ago

39. Do you get along better with the same sex or the opposite sex? - Both equally. It really depends on the individual.

40. Do you like mustard? – Yes, brown is better than yellow

41. Do you sleep on your side? - Yes, with a pillow between my knees to keep my back from being hurt

42. Do you watch the news? – Politics, yes. News, no

43. How did you get one of your scars? – I got bit by a LOT of fire ants last summer

44. Who was the last person to make you mad? – My supervisor at work when he called and woke me up at 11 this morning

I'm happy!

Being 'single' has been hard. Yeah, I miss the sex, but that's not the main thing I've been missing. I missed being a part of an 'us', having someone to share my submissive side with.

I struggled because J was the only man I'd ever been submissive to, and without that relationship I stuffed that side of myself down deep inside. It was painful to do, but less painful than the ripping pain of having this side of myself out and available and no one to share it with. Stuffing it inside was a constant ache, but so much less painful than feeling like I'd lost a limb. And in alot of ways I did lose a limb, the part of me that IS submissive.

This post sounds rather depressing, especially for one titled I'm happy LOL! The reason I'm happy is because J and I are back together. I've promised him I won't go into great detail about him here for now, but I can't talk about my life without talking about the fact that he's back in it.

We started talking via email again in January and then on the phone. It was NOT the easiest thing I've ever done! I'd gotten used to the ache, my brain had started to not even recognize it more than 10 or 20 times a day. Talking to him again meant the possiblilty of opening up that side of myself again.

From the beginning I was different this time though. Before I would say 'yes sir' to keep the peace. It was something I said as often out of respect for him as I did out of being afraid to rock the boat. I was sure that if I rocked the boat too much that we'd 'sink'. Well, I'd already sunk and while the swim was hard to do, I'd finally made it to shore. Talking to him meant going back out into the water and I honestly wasn't sure if I was up to even dogpaddling again, let alone climbing back onto the boat.

It took weeks before the word 'sir' came out of me again. I felt it for a bit before I let it come back out... this time he had to earn it! I don't like how that sounds, but I was determined to not make this too easy for him this time. He'd broken my heart, and I was determined to make sure he was really really really wanting me back again before I gave into my own desires.

I'd like to say that this was a good thing. In some ways it was a good thing, it created more conversation and I have felt more 'heard' this time around. But it also caused me alot of internal confusion and conflict. There's just something about J that clicks in me, and I was intentionally fighting my own desires.

Basically it comes down to the fact that I wanted 'us' again so much that I was afraid to go for it. I now knew how much losing it would hurt, and I didn't want to ever put myself in a position to feel that much pain again... I was being very cautious.

Well, this past weekend J was here. I was a massive bundle of nerves, with mood swings that made PMS look like a day at the park. When I saw his car come around the corner my heart started to slam and my palms actually started to get damp. Then he came through the door and I felt rooted to the floor, totally clueless as to what to do. Somehow we met in the middle, I don't remember who took the first step. But I do know that when his arms closed around me I felt the same tension in him that was in me. Then the most amazing thing happened.

It felt 'right'.

The tension drained from me, my throat got tight, and I felt myself starting to cry. All the fears I'd obsessed over about how each moment had the potential to go wrong... it just all went away.

Out of respect for his wishes I won't go into details about the visit. I don't think he'd mind my saying that the sex was fantastic, the cuddling was wonderful, hearing him get that tone when I didn't listen made me tingle, and just being able to touch him again made me feel so peaceful. I'm glad to be back to being part of 'us' again. I feel complete. I feel happy.

You know you're a spanko when...

Lately I seem to be seeing lifestyle reminders everywhere!

There was the day I was driving by the pizza shop and read the sign that says:

NOW SERVING SUBS

and all I can think is it's' about time and I need someone to 'serve' me!

That same day I am sitting at a red light and see the sign on the van beside me:

LET DOM HANDLE IT

this time was for 'Dominic's handyman service', but that's not where my brain went!

While out of town with friends at the beach I see this couple come out of a restraurant. He puts his arm around her shoulder and she puts hers around his waist. They look so 'cute', she's got her head tilted up saying something to him and he's got his tilted slightly listening to what she's saying. I'm thinking how cute and romantic they look, and how I wished I was them at that moment.

Then, I don't know what she had been saying to him, but his arm came off her shoulders and his hand CRACKED her in the middle of her butt so hard I could hear it over the thousands of people, the ocean, and being about 20 feet away! He hooked his thumb into her left pocket and kept 'patting' her tush! Meanwhile she'd come up onto her toes and is now desparetly putting her right hand back trying to block those pats and get his thumb out of her pocket.... and I REALLY wished I was them at that moment LOL!

That same day we're all getting a bit hot in the sun and go looking for the 'kiddie area' for the friends kids to play in and some shade for the grown-ups. There's a bizillion signs along the boardwalk, it seemed like each store had at least 3 signs trying to lure you into them vs the one next door. But my eyes immediately went to and focused on this one...

Now, of course they're selling RACKETBALL paddles, but that's not where my brain went!

And, now there's what happened today....

I went to the grocery store across the street a while ago to get milk. While I was there I ran into someone I knew and 'wandered' the store with him. Of course this meant I bought more than the 2 gallons of milk I went into the store to buy.

One of the store managers also lives in the neighborhood where I do, and the 3 of us ended up wandering together thru the store. When we were done shopping we headed towards the checkout isles. My friend checked out first (he had more stuff than I did lol). The conversation went like this:

Manager: "Where are your canvas bags?"

Me: "Oh crap! I forgot them in the car!".

Manager: "Do I need to spank you to get you to remember them?"

Me: "Well, somebody should!"

Register guy: "Do I need to go someplace else for a minute?"

I'm cracking up and so is the manager. The 'friend' I was with looked completely lost and unsure what to say! It seems like I'm apparently oozing my spanko-pharamones again! I'm not only seeing swats and signs, but now I'm being threatened WEG!

My next post will be about how I'll be getting spanked in just a few more days :)

Obvious?

Why is it that something that seems so obvious to me seems so difficult to understand for others???

Lately, I've been thinking about the differences between what makes a 'truly dominant man', a 'bully', and a 'partner in the lifestyle'. Now to me these are obvious, they're just so different how could anyone confuse them????

A truly dominant man is just a man who doesn't have a wimpy bone in his body. His brain just functions in a dominant mode. He sees his role in life to be that of leader, not follower. He takes the needs and feelings of other people into consideration, and he makes what he thinks is the right decision for everyone in the long run. He sets expectations based on what he wants, but does them in a way that is respectful. He sets deadlines that while not necessarily easy, are achievable, he wants you to succeed because it doesn't just make him look good, it makes you look good too.

A bully is a man who sees himself as dominant but doesn't take into consideration the feelings / thoughts / concerns of the other people in his universe. He's that boss who makes stupid deadlines just to be able to yell at you when you don't met them. He's that 'DOM' who talks to you like you're just some lesser being... a submissive... SHUDDER! He sees his power coming from what he can 'make' you do, not what you do out of respect for him. He shuts up long enough to allow you to talk, but then ignores everything you just said and does things his way... all the while saying "but didn't I listen to you? Now I'm the Dom / HOH and that means we do things my way".

A partner is this amazing man. He's as naturally dominant as you are naturally submissive. He encourages you to grow and discover yourself while reaping the benefits. He definitely enjoys getting his own way, but 'winning' isn't his goal in life... he doesn't measure his dominance by how often he wins. He's got the ability to laugh one minute, then give you 'the look' the next if you take it too far. He doesn't hold you close at night simply to have easier access.

The Internet is full of bullies who call themselves Dom's. They're not hard to recognize when you talk to them. They want to be addressed as Sir or Master because they view it as their right, not as a title of respect that they should earn from you. They talk to you as if you're just some interchangeable 'sub', not as a person with her own thoughts and feelings and wants from the lifestyle. They expect you to conform to their view of the lifestyle without consideration of what it is you're wanting to get from it.

There's a very fine line between dominant man and bully, it's a line of respect and consideration. I really wish these men who view themselves as Dom's would stop and see which side of that line we read them as being on :(

Marching ever closer to Spring

Well, Maxx is smarter than even I gave him credit for!! After he'd unzipped his crate the other day, I thought long and hard about how to keep him in. I decided to put one of those clips for your keys into the two zipper tags, figuring if he got it open at all, this would at least keep him from being able to open it more than half an inch... WRONG! I guess when he figured out he couldn't force it open any further he decided on a new way to get free. Would you believe it? He ATE THE ZIPPER! Chewed himself up a section of the zipper just big enough for him to squeeze out of! Part of me wanted to praise him for being so smart, part of me wanted to scold him for destroying the crate, but in the end I just ended up spending $80 I didn't want to spend on a wire crate :(

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It's so strange to think of Spring approaching when the average temp down here is in the mid to upper 70's in the Winter! Yes it's been kinda cool down here this Winter, but I'm not going to complain when it's more like Spring than Summer for a couple of days LOL! Then I talk to friends up North and hear how cold it is for them. Watching the news is eyeopening when I see all this white stuff on the ground. With everything so green here it's hard to believe it's still so gross up North... nope, don't miss the North a bit LOL!

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I've got something I want to blog about, but I promised someone I wouldn't. It's driving me nuts not to talk about it here. Hopefully I'll get the ok to post about it soon!

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There's a story on the NBC Nightly News right now about the health issues for people working the night shift. Is there really anyone who doesn't know staying up at night when you're body is designed to be asleep isn't all that great for your health??? What they're not talking about is how it can be dangerous for your backside!!! When you're tired, feeling constantly sleep deprived, and feel like you're missing out on the best part of the day because you're asleep during it... well, I'll just say I tend to say things I didn't intend to say outloud and in a tone I didn't intend to express. Please note I didn't say I didn't mean the tone and words, only that I didn't intend to have them come out of my mouth. Working the night shift is a lot like being sick for me... my 'filters' don't work very well when I'm tired for the upteenth day in a row :(

Hmmm, wonder if I can get outa a future spanking by saying it's not my fault... I'm sleep deprived! WEG!