Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Closing this Blog

Any relationship I ever had with J is over, I don't want to hear from him and I don't want to know what's going on in his life. Sadly he doesn't seem to feel the same way about me because he keeps coming to this blog and reading. It's the main reason I haven't had much to say on here lately, it's just kinda creepy to know that anything I say is being read by him.

I'm closing this blog and opening another one. The new one would be a DD, D/s, spanking blog. It would be my thoughts and feelings, concerns and joys, that I could honestly put into words without having the thought of J's reading it enter my head. I hate the feeling of editing myself here and I want someplace where I can be open and free again without concern.

If you would like the addy of the new blog, please email me at and put something like 'your new blog' in the subject line so I know you're not spam. I HATE closing this blog, but it's not able to serve it's purpose anymore thanks to him :(

Thursday, July 9, 2009


Well, my back is mostly back in shape. I've found the most amazing cure for when it does go out... spending time with S! I arrived at his house barely able to walk, and standing up straight wasn't even an option. Hours later S came home from work and cuddled me to him, then rubbed my back for awhile. Not only did that make me mobile again, but after a couple of days with S I was walking upright and feeling no pain. The occasional ache yes, but pain was thankfully a memory!

S didn't allow my bad back to get me out of some consequences I had coming, but he did make sure I was in positions that were supporting and didn't make things any worse. I'm sure he'd probably disagree with me, but I kinda got the impression he held back a wee bit due to my back, and it's just another reason I trust him as much as I do.

Recently I was able to spend a couple of days with S and Sw (Sir wife) and lets just say that now the reason I can't sit comfortably has nothing to do with my back and everything to do with the 'kisses' I have from the center of my bottom to the middle of my thighs.

Different people have different words to describe them; bruises, marks, welts, track-marks. But I like to call them kisses. To me they are reminders of where he kissed me with an implement hard enough (or often enough) to leave me a reminder of how much he cares about me. When I have to go back home they're something I can look at in the mirror and remember that I'm not alone, that someone cares enough about me to protect me from the monsters in the world. When I see them I can almost imagine him kissing me where each one is and telling me to be a good girl and to take care of myself for him.

I'm proud of my kisses, and I float in a great headspace while I wear them. Then comes the sad day when I go to look at them in the mirror and see they've faded away... of course then I think about how the next time I see him he'll give me more and I smile again :)

Thursday, June 25, 2009

Back again, back again... no jigity jig!

Once again my back has gone out. It used to go out every couple of years, but this is the 2nd time this year and it's only June!!!

I'll be back when simply typing here doesn't cause me pain :(

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Been busy LOL!

Sorry for not posting here in so long! Life has been so busy that I haven't had a chance to get here and post about it.

I had L here for company all of last week. I loved having her here! We don't have to entertain each other, we just enjoy each others company and veg together LOL! Then S came back on Friday to pick her up, and stayed the weekend. He's a great friend too, so it was fun having him around.

On Saturday night C and L came over. S grilled burgers, L did all the prep work in the kitchen and made wonderful potato salad. C and L brought their famous (or should that be infamous!) double-shot margarita's!!! I got to do nothing but enjoy all the great friends I had in my house. It was a wonderful evening with food, drinks and good friends and I can't wait to do it again!

OUPS! I just realized I now have two people on here I refer to as S!!! One is my Sir and the other is a great friend who's married to another great friend. I guess from now on I'll have to preface when S stands for Sir LOL!

Speaking of whom, Sir has been taking very good care of me! I got my consequence spankings taken care of and then got to enjoy a 'just because he wanted to' one. Spankings from S are tough to take when he's giving them, but I can't tell you how much I enjoy the after-effects! When my bottom is tender I am a very happy woman LOL! I could do without his cane tho!! That thing is way too effective and he knows it! It's really hot here and I've been having to wear capri's instead of shorts today because I have 'cane kisses' on my thighs! I'm not complaining tho, I love looking behind me in the mirror and seeing them!

So, as I said, life has been busy here lately... and I've been enjoying it alot :)

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Good vs Bad

It seems pretty obvious that things that are good are always going to be preferred to things that are bad. The only exception to this is for some spanko's. Being 'good' doesn't always get you spanked, and if you're a hard-wired spanko you really do need a pretty steady diet of swats to your backside. With few exceptions I've never intentionally been bad to earn a spanking, but I've always gone butt-up because of something bad I'd done.

No longer true for me.

Yes, I get spanked now for the times when I've stumbled, but they are 'stumbles' and not 'being bad'. I'm not even allowed to SAY I'm bad now! They're no longer even punishment or discipline spankings... they're consequence spankings! It's actually a concept I'm having a hard time adjusting to! I'm used to going butt-up feeling awful about myself, focusing on how if I'd only been good enough, done better, done 'perfectly', then I wouldn't be being spanked. It put a huge emotional wall around my heart because I felt like I was failing and was trying to protect myself from that feeling.

Now I get spanked because I'm a good girl who's worthy of being loved, taken care of, and spanked. I get reminded that I'm a good girl who had a brief stumble and that the swats being applied to my backside are just basically a spanko-version of a hand being extended to help me back to my feet. I even have to repeat that I'm a good girl who's worthy during the spanking! And I learned very quickly that saying "I'm being spanked because I'm an idiot who..." only gets me alot of additional stinging swats!

I beat myself up much worse than S ever could or would. I feel guilt deeply and have this concept in my head that if I'm less than perfect that I'm not worthy of anything good in my life. I've gotten more than one spanking for this self-assessment. Actually what I've gotten is 'more' during an already planned spanking for this self-assessment. He realizes that it's a cycle I need to break free from and that's why I have to repeat how I'm worthy and good during the spanking, to kind of drive the message home. Gotta love how my head and ears work soooo much better when my butt is bare, sore and waiting for more!

But the strangest thing has happened now that I'm spanked for being 'good' vs having been 'bad'. I cry. I don't cry from guilt, I don't cry from shame, I don't cry from fear of being 'too much'. I cry because I have people in my life who love me and want me to see myself the way they see me. I cry because I AM worthy of having these people in my life and have come to trust them completely. I cry because I stumbled and emotionally 'skinned my knees' so to speak. And now when I come off those pillows I'm crying because I feel good about myself, I feel not only 'forgiven' but like I'm back standing on my feet again, only now I have these wonderful people and this amazing Sir standing there with me while I get my balance again.

I used to think I needed to be spanked to remove the 'bad' from me....

Now I know that I get spanked because I'm not bad, I'm good, I'm worthy, I'm loved, and that no matter how many times I stumble I'll still be all those things and I'll never be abandoned.

I still try too hard to do everything perfectly, and beat myself up pretty badly when I fail to obtain this unobtainable goal. And I still tend to think I can do things my way vs doing them the way they're intended for me to do. And I'm going to keep working on those things until I get better at them! But one area where I've honestly changed is in how I view myself. I know in my heart now that I'm not a bad person who needs to be 'fixed', I'm a good woman who is worthy of being loved, respected, and protected... even if it's from herself :)

Monday, June 1, 2009

What an intersting weekend!

I got to spend part of the day yesterday with C. Gotta love when you get to kidnap a friend and just enjoy spending time in their company! Even though we live in the same town, we live at opposite ends of it, so getting to get together and just hanging out together isn't something that happens nearly often enough.

We didn't do anything 'special' just went and had a long lunch sitting outside at a table and talking. I didn't plan anything for her kidnapping, figured we'd just play it by ear and do what she wanted to do. Real friends are the ones when 'doing nothing special' turns out to be a special day.

It would be great if we could live across the street from each other and just sit and chat our way through a cup of coffee in the mornings lol. Then again, the distance does make the time we get to hang out even more special for me. Ok, I'm a greedy woman and still wish most days started out gabbing over a cup of coffee... that I'd let her make btw because I make lousy coffee LOL!

If you're reading this C I hope you enjoyed being kidnapped Sunday as much as I enjoyed kidnapping you :)

~ ~ ~

I stayed up really late Saturday night and had an important im with another friend. He's more than just a friend, he's someone I 'clicked' with from the first time we talked. The timing of his arriving in my life was amazing, and he quickly became very important to me. He stepped up and became my 'hoh-substitute' when J and I ended, actually before J and I ended. Being around him helped me realize even more clearly what it was that J and I were lacking. He's the man who sent that belt scorching over my backside and who I came out of that experience trusting completely. He's an HOH in his marriage, but he's also a Dom who's not had the chance to explore that side of himself as much as he'd like.

Well, he now has that chance! I accepted him as 'my Sir' over the weekend. I'll refer to him here as 'S' for 'Sir' because it feels appropriate. It was the strangest 'important' conversation I think I've ever heard of. I was just sitting at home and starting to go into a funk when suddenly my laptop let me know I had an incoming IM. Turned out to be him asking if I was around and if I was ok. Now how can you not completely trust a man who a hundred miles away realizes you need to talk to him?!? We talked about how our friendship has felt right and natural from the very beginning, how we both felt comfortable just being ourselves around each other. Then we acknowledged how very recently there's been 'something' that had been a bit off when we were around each other. Turned out the 'something' was each of us feeling a D/s connection to the other one and not knowing how, or if, to address it. Once it was addressed things just fell into place.

The biggest issues for each of us turned out to be not wanting to make the other one uncomfortable and S's wife. She's a beautiful, loving woman who we both would never do anything intentionally to upset. Once S was able to speak to her and she gave her approval to he and I establishing a D/s relationship... well let's just say I'm pretty darn happy LOL!

It's going to be an interesting adventure to explore my submissive side with a man I trust completely, who's made me release emotional tears before, during or after most spankings from him, who makes me laugh and get the hysterical giggles, who spanks me because I'm worthy of it and not because I'm 'bad', whose friendship and respect mean a lot to me, and whose wife is someone I respect and value as much as I do him.

6 months ago I would never have understood feeling this close to a man who is married to someone else, let alone married to a great friend of mine. She gets most of the credit for this wonderful gift I've been given. If it hadn't been for her friendship and acceptance I don't know where I'd be now, 'if' I'd be now. I've been blessed in my friends and I realize it!

Monday, May 18, 2009

I Did It!!!!

I done some things recently that I never ever thought I'd be able to do!

First, I finished an assignment given to me by friends that had me taking an honest and deep look into myself to see my positives. Doing the assignment isn't what I'm proud of though, I'm a smart woman, even I can accomplish something difficult if I'm clear on what the guidelines are. What makes me proud is that while I started this assignment putting forth a bare minimum amount of effort, I finished it by REALLY following it's guidelines. I took a deep and honest look at who I am and acknowledged that yes, I really can be worthy of being loved and respected and not have to accept being treated as anything less than that. It was harder to do than it probably should have been, but I did it as much for myself as I did it to make them proud of me.

Next came ending the relationship with J. Trust me when I say I'm not saying "I did it" on this issue with any joy in my heart. It makes me incredibly sad. I love him, and I have a feeling I'll always love him. But loving him doesn't mean I have to accept being treated as something less than his equal. Being submissive doesn't mean I'm less than he is as a dominant, it just makes me the counter-balance to his dominance. I gave the relationship with him everything I had to give, where he only gave it what he wanted to give, what was convenient for him to give in the moment. So I'm proud of realizing I deserve better than to be treated the way he was treating me. In the deepest, secret part of my heart, I hope that someday he learns to be able share his heart and contacts me again when that happens. I always saw so much good in him, so much potential for 'us', but you can't respect someone more than they respect you and have it work.

The next one is the one that has me sitting here tenderly while I type this. Because it was used abusively on me years ago, I've had a major phobia about belts for decades. Even the sound of one being pulled out of his pants would have me feeling light-headed as if I was going to faint. It was so bad that when I would 'assist' in removing J's pants my hands would shake when I undid the buckle and I'd leave the belt in his pants when I removed them. I thought I'd never trust someone enough to have them use a belt on me. Belts are part of the reason I have trust issues, so this was a major issue on trust and fear for me.

I've found a friend I trust, really trust. His intentions come from nothing but love, mutual respect and friendship. If I didn't think his wife was beyond wonderful, I'd probably wish he was single LOL! Anyway, I've got this friend I find I'm able to trust, really trust. He doesn't expect anything from be other than to be the best me I can be. He doesn't demand respect, he just earns my respect by being himself.

The other night he and I were outside trying to avoid being eaten by bugs and talking while having a cigarette. From deep inside myself I realized how much I really trusted this friend, and I told him I was taking my 'off the table' list of things 'off the off the table list'. LOL, you know someone really understands you when they understand what you mean when you say that. I knew I had a spanking coming, so I knew I was opening up the possibility of his using it soon. And he did. Midway through he stopped to change implements, and I heard that sound. You all know that sound, the evil hiss of leather sliding through loops of material as it's removed. My heart clinched and I heard myself screaming in my head that I'd changed my mind. But all I did was put my hand back and ask for him to hold it, to anchor me to a safe place, and he did. He didn't use it hard, but he made sure I did feel it. When he was done using it I was nearly hyperventilating, but knew I'd faced my demon and had come out 'alive'.

As the spanking was wrapping up he told me the belt would be used again, as the last implement of the spanking. I'd felt the belt and come out 'alive', but deep in my heart I NEEDED to feel the belt and come out feeling more than 'alive', I needed to feel 'safe', feel that I really, deeply, honestly could trust again. I took a breath and asked that if he was going to use it again, to please use it 'for real' this time. To please use it 'hard' this time. I didn't even hold his hand, I just squeezed the pillow to me while I raised my bottom into proper position and felt the first lash sear into my bottom. I didn't count strokes, I couldn't do more than concentrate in the voice in my head that was saying over and over that I was ok, that I was worthy of being able to trust again, that I wasn't someone who deserved to be beaten and abused...

I felt each lash, I felt the burn, the sting, the pain. I held my breath, and gasped in deep breaths, and then it was done. I'd done it, I'd taken one hell of a belt spanking and was more than alive, I was loved, I was respected... I was safe.

Almost 18 hours later my backside is sore and looks it. My friend has definitely learned the weakness I have about being spanked on my sitspots and upper thighs. But as sore as it is I'm equally peaceful inside myself. It's now the middle of the night and I wish I was sleeping, but inside I still keep hearing the voice reminding me that I did it, that I deserved it in the best possible way... and I am good :)

Thursday, May 7, 2009

So many changes

There are so many things changing in my life now.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I've always said I was a 'the glass is half full' kind of person. I now realize that that comment wasn't true, but I thought that if I said it often enough it would become true. When I viewed MY life, the glass wasn't half full, it wasn't even half empty, I viewed my life as a glass that was empty. There was no part of my life that I honestly took pride in, that made me feel good about myself for more than a fleeting moment.

Well, there's been one exception to my empty glass in the last few years... my friends. They were the only thing in my glass, and they'll never understand how much I value them for that. Some people say that 'online friends' aren't 'real friends'. That's such bull! There's a couple that I've never been lucky enough to meet who have become one of the most important things in my life. At one point we only lived a few hours apart, and I wish I'd been able to sit down and talk with them back then. But not being able to physically sit and share, whisper and giggle in person, doesn't deminish their value in my life one little bit. Recently I've added another wonderful woman and another couple to my list of things in my glass. I've been blessed enough to be able to spend 'physical' time with these people. These five people mean so much to me, I can't imagine my life without them in it. I met these people online, and yet they've become the best things in my life... don't anyone dare tell me they aren't 'real'!

~ ~ ~

2 of the above mentioned 5 remarkable people are men who have been helping me alot lately. They saw me, really saw ME, enough to realize I was spiraling into a very dark place and they've pretty much been pulling me out... even if I'm kicking and screaming a bit from time to time. I've not only had them listen and talk, but when things were getting out of control, they yanked me to a stop by giving me an assignment meant to force me to find the good inside myself. Open hearts, good instincts, and a seemingly unending number of impliments have been forcing me to change the way I view the world and my place in it.

Don't get me wrong, their wives have done more than their share to help with this too. These wonderful women have listened to be cry, cuss, and ramble while trying to figure things out.

None of them are letting me get away with bs'ing my way through life anymore, making me be honest even when it's painful to do so, and being there to help me every single solitary step of the way. They keep telling me how good I'm doing and how brave I'm being. I want to beleive them, but all I honestly beleive is that the credit for any improvement in my outlook is due to them! I still struggle to beleive this is real, that people love me enough to want to help, but I hope someday to make them proud by REALLY beleiving I'm responsible for this.

~ ~ ~

The relationship with J is pretty much over. When we got back together this time I made him promise me something... that if I lost my cool, really misbehaved, he'd not go away, not 'abandon me for being less than perfect'. Now I realize how sad it is that I even had to ask for that promise. Sad that I felt I would be abandoned if I wasn't always perfect, and sad that I viewed him as someone who would do that to me.

When I recently lost my cool and talked to him in a non-submissive manner, he hung-up on me. He basically did what he'd promised he wouldn't do. When we talked the next day he was still pissed over it and was sarcastic, mean, vulgar and intentionally hurtful to me. There's no excuse to talk to anyone the way he talked to me that day, and there's especailly no excuse to treat someone you say you love that way.

Thanks to people who have been treating me with such love and respect, I now see clearly how little love and respect he was treating me with. I also now realize I don't deserve to be treated the way he did, that I was always at risk of being an imposition, 'a bother'. When someone really loves you you should never feel you're bothering them when you just want to say 'hello, I love you'.

I've told him I feel he's treated me badly, and the things I need from him to even try one more time. I know what his answer will be, but I also know that I can say that I tried, that it was him who wasn't willing to try and do the right thing. If asking to be treated respectfully is asking too much, I'm not really losing anything of value.

~ ~ ~

I'm still so afraid of so much. Being 'too much', being alone forever, of disappointing the people I respect so much... the list of things I'm afraid of feels never-ending. I hope that someday I'll at least be able to see the end of the list. But maybe being able to admit to being so afraid of so much means that there's hope for me in the long run.

~ ~ ~

This blog is still going to be the place I come to about my life, my fears, my goals, and god willing, about how someday a great man is going to come into my life who is worthy of all I so much want to share and give... oh yeah, and it will be about DD and spanking too :)

Saturday, May 2, 2009

Time got away from me :(

It's been too long since I've posted here. It's not for a lack of thoughts I'd like to put down, it's almost the opposite. I've had too many things running thru my head, some I can share here and some I can't share here 'to protect the not so innocent' LOL!

My work schedule has been totally messed up. Yes, working 11pm - 7am isn't my first choice of a shift I'd like to work, but at least I was getting 32-40 hours a week. Through someone else's issues, I am suddenly having my hours all over the chart. I've had a couple of weeks recently where I'm only working 16 hours, and one week where I got a whole 32. I can't survive on 16 hour weeks, it won't even pay my bills let alone let me do things like buy groceries. There's possibly a light at the end of the tunnel where I'll be back to at least 32 a week, but honestly I'm not holding my breath. With this economy, even finding another part-time job is turning out to not be an option. I'd really like to lean on J about this, but he's got his own issues going on and I don't want to add to them... that and I'm not sure if he wants to hear it.

I leave a week from today to take Mom up North for her 'snowbird' summer. She won't be back until September, and words can't express how much I'm looking forward to having the house to myself. The only thing keeping this from being totally a good thing is that with my work hours being so messed up, not having her here means I don't have anyone else to help with the expenses. To be honest mom pays most of the expenses... but how that makes me feel is the topic for another post when being whiny and full of self-pity won't get me spanked!

Because of things going on in his life, we're not sure if J and I will be able to get to spend any time together when I'm back 'home'. I don't know how I'm going to handle it if we can't get together. I have so many things I want to talk to him about and things I need to hear from him, and doing it on the phone and/or via email won't work for me on this.

It looks like the weekend I come back L & S will be coming down to visit. I can't wait!!! It's so nice to have people who I like and respect and truly enjoying just spending quiet time with. L is a great friend, and S is a man who reminds me way too much of myself when I was a Domme LOL! Not that he reminds me of a girl, heavens no!, just that his dominant mindset is alot like mine was back then.

I haven't been able to get ahold of CR on the phone or via email. I know she's struggling with way too many issues, and I just wish she'd let me help. Even is helping is nothing more than offering an ear to listen, a shoulder to cry on, and an house to run away to for an hour or so if needed. I'm worried about her and hope she contacts me soon!!!

Some friends are trying to help me think more positively about myself. I hadn't realized how negative my pov of myself was until they started trying to help. I'm not sure if it will work, but then again it's already working to a degree because I'm able to acknowledge that they love me. I still wonder why they do from time to time, but I do accept it. Wow, you wouldn't think that would be hard to accept would you?

Ok, that kinda catches me up for the moment, I hope I can get back here more often when Mom's up North and I have more privacy

Sunday, April 5, 2009

That's just the way it is.... Why?

I keep hearing "that's just the way it is" or it's variation "that's just how people are" a lot lately. Why do we seem to think that that phrase makes it ok to be less than we're capable of being?

I lost a friend and neighbor recently. I found out that he'd died when my phone rang early the next morning. The call was from a neighbor wanting to know the details of how he'd died. I spent the next week barely able to sleep because my phone kept ringing because more neighbors wanted any dirty, nasty detail I might be able to provide them. Now these people know I work nights and sleep during the day, most of them even acknowledged this by apologizing for waking me up right before they asked their questions. And these are people who are now retired doctors, and laywers, and CEO/CFO's... people who dealt with confidentiality in their professional lives for the previous 30 or more years. YES, my friend had a drinking problem. YES, he had a temper that wasn't nice. But, there was NO WAY IN HELL I was going to tell these people nasty things about my friend. I didn't even get to mourn him because I was so busy fielding phone calls.

I work in a VERY small space, that through the week is shared by 12 people. If I leave food in the frig for me to have the next night, the odds are about 50/50 that it will be gone the next night. I arrive for my shift to literally find food and trash on the floor. Usually it's ground in because apparently it's easier to step on it than to clean it up when it first falls. Procedure is to arrive 15 minutes before your shift starts, yet all but 2 of my co-workers can be counted on to show up no sooner than 5 minutes before shift start.... often these people will show up 5 minutes late for their shift.

J and I were apart for a year. He contacted me at the beginning of the year and now we're back together... back together in a long-distance relationship as we now live approximately 1200 miles apart. He doesn't like the phone. He's 'busy' a lot. We've gone from phone and/or email contact 5 - 10 times a day, to a couple of times a week.

And you know what I hear if/when I complain about the above things?

"Well, people knew X was a drinker, of course they want to know if he was drunk when he died. That's just the way people are."

"Well, they see food and think it's ok for them to eat it. That's just the way Y is."

"They don't clean up behind themselves because they know you'll do it. That's just what people do."

"We're back together now, what is there to talk about?"

Maybe I'm naive, maybe I'm a freak of nature. But I don't think poor behavior, rudeness, a basic lack of consideration for others is something we should just accept because "it's what everyone is doing". Aren't I a part of that collective 'everyone'? I know I'm sure as hell not doing what they do. I won't be a part of the chain where it's ok to be less than decent because the person I just interacted with was that way.

Why is it ok to just accept that that's the way it is... that's the way people are... if it's just simply wrong???