Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Good vs Bad

It seems pretty obvious that things that are good are always going to be preferred to things that are bad. The only exception to this is for some spanko's. Being 'good' doesn't always get you spanked, and if you're a hard-wired spanko you really do need a pretty steady diet of swats to your backside. With few exceptions I've never intentionally been bad to earn a spanking, but I've always gone butt-up because of something bad I'd done.

No longer true for me.

Yes, I get spanked now for the times when I've stumbled, but they are 'stumbles' and not 'being bad'. I'm not even allowed to SAY I'm bad now! They're no longer even punishment or discipline spankings... they're consequence spankings! It's actually a concept I'm having a hard time adjusting to! I'm used to going butt-up feeling awful about myself, focusing on how if I'd only been good enough, done better, done 'perfectly', then I wouldn't be being spanked. It put a huge emotional wall around my heart because I felt like I was failing and was trying to protect myself from that feeling.

Now I get spanked because I'm a good girl who's worthy of being loved, taken care of, and spanked. I get reminded that I'm a good girl who had a brief stumble and that the swats being applied to my backside are just basically a spanko-version of a hand being extended to help me back to my feet. I even have to repeat that I'm a good girl who's worthy during the spanking! And I learned very quickly that saying "I'm being spanked because I'm an idiot who..." only gets me alot of additional stinging swats!

I beat myself up much worse than S ever could or would. I feel guilt deeply and have this concept in my head that if I'm less than perfect that I'm not worthy of anything good in my life. I've gotten more than one spanking for this self-assessment. Actually what I've gotten is 'more' during an already planned spanking for this self-assessment. He realizes that it's a cycle I need to break free from and that's why I have to repeat how I'm worthy and good during the spanking, to kind of drive the message home. Gotta love how my head and ears work soooo much better when my butt is bare, sore and waiting for more!

But the strangest thing has happened now that I'm spanked for being 'good' vs having been 'bad'. I cry. I don't cry from guilt, I don't cry from shame, I don't cry from fear of being 'too much'. I cry because I have people in my life who love me and want me to see myself the way they see me. I cry because I AM worthy of having these people in my life and have come to trust them completely. I cry because I stumbled and emotionally 'skinned my knees' so to speak. And now when I come off those pillows I'm crying because I feel good about myself, I feel not only 'forgiven' but like I'm back standing on my feet again, only now I have these wonderful people and this amazing Sir standing there with me while I get my balance again.

I used to think I needed to be spanked to remove the 'bad' from me....

Now I know that I get spanked because I'm not bad, I'm good, I'm worthy, I'm loved, and that no matter how many times I stumble I'll still be all those things and I'll never be abandoned.

I still try too hard to do everything perfectly, and beat myself up pretty badly when I fail to obtain this unobtainable goal. And I still tend to think I can do things my way vs doing them the way they're intended for me to do. And I'm going to keep working on those things until I get better at them! But one area where I've honestly changed is in how I view myself. I know in my heart now that I'm not a bad person who needs to be 'fixed', I'm a good woman who is worthy of being loved, respected, and protected... even if it's from herself :)


Shygirl70 said...

That was beautiful! I know it's hard to get out of the "I'm not worthy" mode, especially if all you've ever heard your whole life is "You just aren't good enough". Finding someone who knows you are is truly a miracle and a blessing and I hope you find the peace and love you deserve.

Xan Spanking New said...

That is just a beautiful and well-written post. I agree with you, too. Sometimes I get all teary-eyed because Bo does care enough to do this for me. And, he won't let me think of myself as bad either!

BTW, I'm on LWD too.

Heartzlady said...

ShyGirl ~ you're very right, it is hard to stop hearing those old voices in your head and heart if they are the only ones you've ever heard. S makes me repeat that the reason I'm being spanked is because "I am a good girl, I am loved, and I am worthy of being loved". It took quiet a few times for me to be able to say those words and even slightly mean them. Now I feel like they're real and while my butt may be on fire, my heart is soaring!

Xan ~ I thought I recognized the name LOL! It still suprises me that with as deeply as I feel guilt, I hardly ever cried from being spanked when I was with J. Now the tears flow almost before S starts the warm-up! And that's another big change for me, S makes sure to start a bit lighter and gives a warm-up. This takes away my ability to just pay attention to the sensations I'm feeling, so he's able to make sure I'm paying attention to the reason I'm feeling them.

Thanks for your responses ladies :)