Back again, back again... no jigity jig!

Once again my back has gone out. It used to go out every couple of years, but this is the 2nd time this year and it's only June!!!

I'll be back when simply typing here doesn't cause me pain :(

Been busy LOL!

Sorry for not posting here in so long! Life has been so busy that I haven't had a chance to get here and post about it.

I had L here for company all of last week. I loved having her here! We don't have to entertain each other, we just enjoy each others company and veg together LOL! Then S came back on Friday to pick her up, and stayed the weekend. He's a great friend too, so it was fun having him around.

On Saturday night C and L came over. S grilled burgers, L did all the prep work in the kitchen and made wonderful potato salad. C and L brought their famous (or should that be infamous!) double-shot margarita's!!! I got to do nothing but enjoy all the great friends I had in my house. It was a wonderful evening with food, drinks and good friends and I can't wait to do it again!

OUPS! I just realized I now have two people on here I refer to as S!!! One is my Sir and the other is a great friend who's married to another great friend. I guess from now on I'll have to preface when S stands for Sir LOL!

Speaking of whom, Sir has been taking very good care of me! I got my consequence spankings taken care of and then got to enjoy a 'just because he wanted to' one. Spankings from S are tough to take when he's giving them, but I can't tell you how much I enjoy the after-effects! When my bottom is tender I am a very happy woman LOL! I could do without his cane tho!! That thing is way too effective and he knows it! It's really hot here and I've been having to wear capri's instead of shorts today because I have 'cane kisses' on my thighs! I'm not complaining tho, I love looking behind me in the mirror and seeing them!

So, as I said, life has been busy here lately... and I've been enjoying it alot :)

Good vs Bad

It seems pretty obvious that things that are good are always going to be preferred to things that are bad. The only exception to this is for some spanko's. Being 'good' doesn't always get you spanked, and if you're a hard-wired spanko you really do need a pretty steady diet of swats to your backside. With few exceptions I've never intentionally been bad to earn a spanking, but I've always gone butt-up because of something bad I'd done.

No longer true for me.

Yes, I get spanked now for the times when I've stumbled, but they are 'stumbles' and not 'being bad'. I'm not even allowed to SAY I'm bad now! They're no longer even punishment or discipline spankings... they're consequence spankings! It's actually a concept I'm having a hard time adjusting to! I'm used to going butt-up feeling awful about myself, focusing on how if I'd only been good enough, done better, done 'perfectly', then I wouldn't be being spanked. It put a huge emotional wall around my heart because I felt like I was failing and was trying to protect myself from that feeling.

Now I get spanked because I'm a good girl who's worthy of being loved, taken care of, and spanked. I get reminded that I'm a good girl who had a brief stumble and that the swats being applied to my backside are just basically a spanko-version of a hand being extended to help me back to my feet. I even have to repeat that I'm a good girl who's worthy during the spanking! And I learned very quickly that saying "I'm being spanked because I'm an idiot who..." only gets me alot of additional stinging swats!

I beat myself up much worse than S ever could or would. I feel guilt deeply and have this concept in my head that if I'm less than perfect that I'm not worthy of anything good in my life. I've gotten more than one spanking for this self-assessment. Actually what I've gotten is 'more' during an already planned spanking for this self-assessment. He realizes that it's a cycle I need to break free from and that's why I have to repeat how I'm worthy and good during the spanking, to kind of drive the message home. Gotta love how my head and ears work soooo much better when my butt is bare, sore and waiting for more!

But the strangest thing has happened now that I'm spanked for being 'good' vs having been 'bad'. I cry. I don't cry from guilt, I don't cry from shame, I don't cry from fear of being 'too much'. I cry because I have people in my life who love me and want me to see myself the way they see me. I cry because I AM worthy of having these people in my life and have come to trust them completely. I cry because I stumbled and emotionally 'skinned my knees' so to speak. And now when I come off those pillows I'm crying because I feel good about myself, I feel not only 'forgiven' but like I'm back standing on my feet again, only now I have these wonderful people and this amazing Sir standing there with me while I get my balance again.

I used to think I needed to be spanked to remove the 'bad' from me....

Now I know that I get spanked because I'm not bad, I'm good, I'm worthy, I'm loved, and that no matter how many times I stumble I'll still be all those things and I'll never be abandoned.

I still try too hard to do everything perfectly, and beat myself up pretty badly when I fail to obtain this unobtainable goal. And I still tend to think I can do things my way vs doing them the way they're intended for me to do. And I'm going to keep working on those things until I get better at them! But one area where I've honestly changed is in how I view myself. I know in my heart now that I'm not a bad person who needs to be 'fixed', I'm a good woman who is worthy of being loved, respected, and protected... even if it's from herself :)

What an intersting weekend!

I got to spend part of the day yesterday with C. Gotta love when you get to kidnap a friend and just enjoy spending time in their company! Even though we live in the same town, we live at opposite ends of it, so getting to get together and just hanging out together isn't something that happens nearly often enough.

We didn't do anything 'special' just went and had a long lunch sitting outside at a table and talking. I didn't plan anything for her kidnapping, figured we'd just play it by ear and do what she wanted to do. Real friends are the ones when 'doing nothing special' turns out to be a special day.

It would be great if we could live across the street from each other and just sit and chat our way through a cup of coffee in the mornings lol. Then again, the distance does make the time we get to hang out even more special for me. Ok, I'm a greedy woman and still wish most days started out gabbing over a cup of coffee... that I'd let her make btw because I make lousy coffee LOL!

If you're reading this C I hope you enjoyed being kidnapped Sunday as much as I enjoyed kidnapping you :)

~ ~ ~

I stayed up really late Saturday night and had an important im with another friend. He's more than just a friend, he's someone I 'clicked' with from the first time we talked. The timing of his arriving in my life was amazing, and he quickly became very important to me. He stepped up and became my 'hoh-substitute' when J and I ended, actually before J and I ended. Being around him helped me realize even more clearly what it was that J and I were lacking. He's the man who sent that belt scorching over my backside and who I came out of that experience trusting completely. He's an HOH in his marriage, but he's also a Dom who's not had the chance to explore that side of himself as much as he'd like.

Well, he now has that chance! I accepted him as 'my Sir' over the weekend. I'll refer to him here as 'S' for 'Sir' because it feels appropriate. It was the strangest 'important' conversation I think I've ever heard of. I was just sitting at home and starting to go into a funk when suddenly my laptop let me know I had an incoming IM. Turned out to be him asking if I was around and if I was ok. Now how can you not completely trust a man who a hundred miles away realizes you need to talk to him?!? We talked about how our friendship has felt right and natural from the very beginning, how we both felt comfortable just being ourselves around each other. Then we acknowledged how very recently there's been 'something' that had been a bit off when we were around each other. Turned out the 'something' was each of us feeling a D/s connection to the other one and not knowing how, or if, to address it. Once it was addressed things just fell into place.

The biggest issues for each of us turned out to be not wanting to make the other one uncomfortable and S's wife. She's a beautiful, loving woman who we both would never do anything intentionally to upset. Once S was able to speak to her and she gave her approval to he and I establishing a D/s relationship... well let's just say I'm pretty darn happy LOL!

It's going to be an interesting adventure to explore my submissive side with a man I trust completely, who's made me release emotional tears before, during or after most spankings from him, who makes me laugh and get the hysterical giggles, who spanks me because I'm worthy of it and not because I'm 'bad', whose friendship and respect mean a lot to me, and whose wife is someone I respect and value as much as I do him.

6 months ago I would never have understood feeling this close to a man who is married to someone else, let alone married to a great friend of mine. She gets most of the credit for this wonderful gift I've been given. If it hadn't been for her friendship and acceptance I don't know where I'd be now, 'if' I'd be now. I've been blessed in my friends and I realize it!