Sleep deprivation

I've never been a great sleeper, and for the last few weeks I've entered a really frustrating sleep cycle. I fall asleep easily, then find myself waking up completely almost exactly 3 hours later. From that point on I'm waking up almost every hour and having a progressively harder time falling back asleep.

Working midnights makes sleeping 'normally' hard enough, but this cycle has me feeling tired all the time and my emotions are getting closer and closer to the surface.

Today was a good example of my emotions being much too close to the surface. Each time I woke up I felt more and more that what I needed to really SLEEP was to be wrapped in J's arms... to feel protected and cherished. My logical mind is past this, but when I'm this tired all I want is to not be alone, to feel that someone out there gives a crap if I live or die, that someone feels I'm worth being held and cuddled. Geeze, I'm sitting here typing this and tearing up.

I want to blame this on being sleep deprived, but I wonder is it the lack of sleep or is being so tired allowing my true heart to break thru the wall I've tried to put around it?

I'm so damn unhappy. I tell everyone how great I'm doing, how much I love living here, how much I 'like' my job, and in my heart I know it's all bs. I'm just saying it to keep everyone else happy, to not have to explain how I am feeling... to not have to acknowledge outloud how miserable I am.

Right now I'd swallow every ounce of pride I have to hear his voice. I can't think of anything I wouldn't give up to feel his arms close around me again.