Sleepless nights

I haven't had a good nights sleep in almost a month. Nightmares come in many varieties, as I'm learning. The ones that keep me up, or wake me up and keep me from going back to sleep aren't the ones where scary things are happening. When I wake from those I can tell myself that something like in my dream can't possibly happen and within a few moments I can go back to sleep.

No, the one that keeps me up and wakes me up and won't let me go back to sleep is unique. It's not a 'scary dream', it was once something that made me smile in my sleep.

Last winter I said something to J that I'd never said to anyone, male or female, in my life. Laying together, pulled tightly agianst him, I said "I feel safe. This is the safest place in my universe". I can still hear his response; "good, that's the way it's supposed to be'. Within months he ended us, he took away the only safe place I'd ever known.

In so many ways he was a lousy boyfriend. 5+ years and he'd never commit, never give me more of himself than HE wanted to give. But there was something there, from the very first, that 'clicked' and made 'us' work. Maybe it was the DD, maybe it was that he allowed and accepted my submissive side. Maybe it was the height differential between us that allowed me to feel 'small and feminine' beside him. Maybe it was the strength of his dominant persona... I don't know what it was, I just know that 'it' was.

I can hear myself saying those words to him, feel his hand move away from the small of my back, and wrap around me. He pulled me oh so tightly against his side and kissed my forehead and said "good, that's the way it's supposed to be". And I beleived him. I beleived I would feel safe forever. I'd never felt safe before. I'd always felt like it was me against the world, and in his arms I honestly felt like I was cherished and protected. Not that 'he' could defeat all my demons, but that together we were stronger than any demon.

I lay my head against my pillow, tired in body and mind, and as I enter that place where reality slips away and dreams begin, I hear those words, feel his embrace... and I wake up with tears and my heart breaking anew. I want to make that one memory either go away or come true...

I want to stop having to wipe away fresh tears between keystokes.