My old blog

I miss my old blog this morning. For some reason I want to go back and re-read the posts about how good things were between J and I. I want to go back and remember when things were at their best, when I didn't feel alone and like I was going to feel this way for the rest of my life.

I'm heading 'north' the week of Labor Day to visit friends and then drive my mom back home. Mom has neuothopy in her feet, so while she can drive, she can't drive for more than on hour or two without her feet/calves going numb. Personally I feel better for everyone else on the road if my mom's not on the highway driving with numb feet!

Anyhow, I'm heading back in 3 weeks, and while I'm really looking forward to getting to spend some time visiting (aka shopping my heart out and eating out) with my friends, it's been eating at me that I'll be 'right there' where J is. I flip minute to minute on whether or not to contact him, to see him, so even let him know I'm in the neighborhood.

Maybe it will help me think clearly if I just put it down here...

Yes, see him...

* just show up at his work. Walk in and surprise him. He'll be so shocked to see me he'll run over and pull me into his arms. He'll tell me how much he regrets ending us and ask me to take him back. Definately the least likely senerio.

* call him from his work parking lot and say "hey, wanna take a girl out to dinner?". Then tell him where I am and hear him be happy he's going to get to see me. We go out to dinner and he tells me how he misses me, and I tell him how while it hurt, I'm glad it ended and I've moved on. This one would be a dinner with a huge serving of lies for dessert.

* same as above, but I lead him on during dinner and when he goes to kiss me in the parking lot I slap him across the face and tell him what a wuss I think he was/is for the way he handled things and that I never want to see/hear from him again. Not my style, but makes me wish it was.

No, I don't see him...

* this ones pretty cut and dry. I don't call, I don't let him know I'm in the neighborhood. I spend the entire time I'm up north debating whether to call or not. My biggest concern with this one is that I'll get back down here and regret not having made the call. It's been almost 6 months, aren't I supposed to be past feeling this way yet?

Oh well, I know me, I'll do nothing now and do something (or not do something) spontanious while there. I'll really only have one day when I will have the car and time to do any of the above 'yes' things, so hopefully I'll be so busy and happy that when the thought to call/show up crosses my mind it will be late enough the choice will be made for me!

Damn, does it eventually get easier? I sure hope so!