Random thoughts from recent days

I know I haven't been around here much lately, and I'll blame it mostly on a lack of time with enough privacy to come here and be honest.

Working midnights doesn't allow for a lot of free time to do the things I'd like to do, but usually I have thoughts running through my head I'd really like to come here and put down 'on paper'.

Back in October I found out J was reading this blog, almost daily reading it! I found this out when I got an email from him in response to a blog post where I listed some of the things from our relationship I was missing. His email prompted a phone call from me, and we talked for almost an hour. We agree to exchange emails and see each other when he was down here Thanksgiving week. Let's just say he kept neither promise he made to me during that phone call. I'd thought that his lack of keeping his word would have crushed me, but I was surprised to find I wasn't hurt by what he was doing, but by the fact that I realized this was his pattern of behavior for the last 5+ years. Our relationship was stagnant because HE is stagnant. He's not a person capable of sharing himself emotionally, yet he's smart enough to know how to do and say the right thing at the right time to keep getting away with keeping a women at arms length and waiting. I realized it wasn't just me he'd done this to, but all the women in his life. I'm a woman who when I give myself to a man, I give myself totally. I feel disappointed in myself for not realizing what his pattern was years earlier.

And to J... STOP READING HERE! I know you've read here again. You're not part of my life anymore, so please just go away and stay away!

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If you want the perfect Christmas present, buy it for yourself LOL! I wanted 3 things for Christmas, a smaller digital camera (I have a semi-professional one that's amazing, but not 'small'), a new ring to replace one I no longer wear, and a portable/personal DVD player. Black Friday I got a really nice Kodak digital camera on sale, 2 weeks ago I got a beautiful blue topaz ring, and after plenty of research I got a Sony, 8", DVD player. To anyone looking to buy one of these portable DVD players, pay close attention to the charged-life of the battery. The average is 2-2.5 hours, which may not be long enough to watch the DVD you want to watch when traveling! The Sony one I got has a charged-life of 6 hours! The screen pivots and lays flat, it comes with the accessories to connect it to a tv, and the A/C and car charger. The only two things it doesn't come with are a carrycase and DVD's LOL!

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I think it's time for me to find a new man.

One friend suggests I find a new 'buddy' for fun only. Other's suggest I just date around. A 'buddy' isn't my style, if all I wanted was sex it wouldn't have been 10 months and counting since I've had any. And dating for the sake of dating it's my style either. I'm 46 now, I want to find someone to spend the rest of my life with. I want to find a man who is tall and strong, both physically and emotionally. I want him to enjoy laughing as much as he enjoys 'growling' at me ( I love that gruff tone a man can get WEG!). Of course he's got to be willing to put up with my needs too... the need to spoil him and be spoiled in return, the need to serve and be serviced sexually as often as possible, the need to make sure he always knows he's cared about while he's making sure I always know he cares in return.

So if you happen to know this man, and he lives in SW Florida, EMAIL ME asap LOL!!!

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As much as my job bores me senseless, I'm grateful to have a job in this economy. Everyday I hear the numbers on unemployment and am glad I have a job, any job. When things start to swing upwards again, I'll go out and find a job that requires more of me than an ability to stay awake when normal people are sleeping. I miss using my brain, but at least I don't have to worry about ending up homeless. Life isn't about what you have, but how grateful you are for it! I may not have everything I want, but I am grateful for what I do have in a time when so many have so little.

HO! HO! HO!

I've got a million things to blog about, but hardly any time to do it. I promise I'll be back SOON to do it, but for now, here's a semi-boring meme LOL...

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1. Is sex best in the morning, afternoon, or night?
– All of the above. With the right person there’s no wrong time!

2. On which side of the bed do you sleep?
– If you’re facing the bed you’ll find me on the left side

3. Pork, beef, or chicken?
– Thick-cut pork chop, T-bone or KFC? All of the above!

4. Have you ever had to pull over on the side of the road to puke?
– Only after drugs for an MRI

5. What leg do you put in pants first when putting them on?
– Both.

6. Candles or incense?
– Candles are romantic and smell good, incense reminds me of when I was trying to cover the smell of something else I’d ‘burned’ in the room (way back when lol)

7. Do you dance when no one is watching?
– Definitely

8. Did you play doctor when you were little?
– No

9. Stove top cooking, grill or microwave?
– Grill

10. Would you rather your car or your house be dirty?
– Car

11. Shower or bath?
– Shower if I’m in a hurry, bubble bath to pamper myself

12. Do you pee in the shower?
– Eww! No!

13. Mexican or Chinese food?
– Mexican… yum!

14. Do you want someone aggressive or passive in bed?
– Aggressive I guess, definitely not passive, prefer ‘assertive’ WEG!

15. Do you own sex toys?
– I wish I owned stock in Duracell!

16. Corn dogs or hot dogs?
– Neither, I can’t stand hot dogs no matter what you cover them in

17. Your favorite restaurant?
– I haven’t found one here

18. What did you have for lunch today?
– With my work schedule, I eat ‘lunch’ at 3am. Today it will be roast beef and garlic mashed potatoes (dinner leftovers lol)

19. When did you last fall down?
– About a month ago when my back went out, I fell trying to get out of the shower

20. Have you ever wished someone were dead?
– Not proud of it, but yes

21. Love or money?
– Love

22. Credit cards or cash?
– Cash

23. Has there ever been anyone in your family you wish wasn’t?
– I should have been an only child, what a shame my parents had 2 other children after me!

24. Oreo’s or vanilla wafers?
– Depends on my mood. They’ve changed vanilla wafers, so they’re not my first choice anymore.

25. How do you like your steak cooked?
– Medium well. No pink.

26. How do you like your eggs cooked?
– I don’t much care how you cook them so long as the whites are firm and the yellows are warm/hot and runny!

27. Have you ever knocked someone off their feet in a fight?
– Sadly yes. Shouldn’t the things we do when we’re 18 should be wiped out of memories when we ‘grow – up’?

28. Would you rather go camping or to a five star hotel?
– Room service vs bugs and dirt? I like being spoiled, so how about a six star hotel? LOL!

29. Would you rather have a root canal or minor surgery?
– Definitely surgery

30. Would you shave your entire body (including your head) for money?
– For enough money I’d do it… heck, I shave everything but my head for free, so why not?

31. Would you rather have lice or an STD?
– No, no, no!!! Went through the lice – thing with my kids when they were in elementary school, I’d rather have nearly anything but lice!

32. What’s your favorite hard candy?
– Life Savers

33. Ever been to a strip club?
– Yup

34. Ever been to a bar?
– Yes

35. Ever been kicked out of a bar or a club?
– Yes, see question #27

36. Ever been so drunk you had to be carried out of somewhere?
– No

37. Kissed someone of the same sex?
– Yes

38. Had sex in the car?
– Yes, not an experience I’d like to repeat unless it’s a van or SUV!

39. Had sex at the beach?
– No

40. Had sex in a movie theater?
– No

41. Had sex in a bathroom?
– Yes, in the shower.

42. Have you ever been in an "adult" store?
– Many.

43. Is there anyone on your friends list you would ever consider having sex with?
– Umm, yeah.

44. Have you been caught having sex?
– Never caught, but definitely ‘interrupted’ when almost caught!

45. Have you ever kissed a stranger?
– Yes, he became my ex – husband… No more kissing strangers for me LOL!

46. Does anyone have naughty pictures of you?
– Pictures, no. Unless he erased it, video – yes WEG!

A very chilly Sunday!

Wow it was chilly here last night!!! It got down to 50F!!! Yeah, I know, I'm a wimp LOL!!! But Saturday the high here was in the mid 80's (with a 'feels like' of over 90F), and currently it's a whomping 60F and breezy!!! I've left my bathroom window open for weeks, and this morning 2 of the houseplants in there were all shriveled and dead from getting too cold :(

I went with CR to the movies today. We went to see The Changeling...

... It was wonderful!! Anyone who hasn't seen it yet I highly recommend it, and suggest that if you go to see it that you hit the bathroom before you find your seat, and DON'T get the large pop LOL! There's no point in this movie when you won't miss something important to the story if you have to make a bathroom run! We saw it at the 9:35am showing and had the entire theater to ourselves! Gotta tell ya, I LIKE having my pick of seats and being able to talk to my movie-mate and not have anyone shushing us... or eavesdropping on 'interesting' chatter WEG!

I don't get out often enough, especially not to just bop around and 'windowshop' to my hearts content. I think I went to 20 stores today, and aside from groceries at Publix, the biggest purchase I made today was a bunch of starter house plants. I like having living plants around me, and the temperate weather and amount of sunshine here has them growing like weeds! Tomorrow I have 12 'baby' plants to put into pots and find homes for around the house. Not all 12 are new, I had some of them just waiting to get stronger before I transplanted them, but tomorrow is definately going to be a dirt-under-the-fingernails day :)

My back is still messed up, but a LOT better then it was 2 weeks ago!!! I can atleast walk upright now... even if I do walk slow LOL! I had my back-support brace off most of today, and it's aching like a bad toothache right now, but I'll take aching over shooting pain any day of the week :)

Little did I know...

... that when I moved to Paradise I'd end up living in Hell!

I moved away from snow and a crummy job. Where I live now has beautiful weather, sunshine and beaches. Little did I know that living with my mother would be torture, hell on earth almost every day.

She asked me to move here, I didn't invite myself. Before I agreed to move here we agreed she wouldn't be my 'mother', she'd be my roommate. HA!!! When she's not treating me like I'm 3 years old, she's acting like she is!

I all but get reminded to wipe my own butt!! Today I got reminded that I need to do laundry. When I said I'd done my laundry on Sunday, she literally came in to see how much was in my laundry basket! Never mind that it's none of her business when I need to do laundry, I mean I am smart enough to know when I'm running out of clean panties all by myself, but to actually come in a check?? GRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

Because I work from 11pm to 7am, on the first day of the week that I'm going to work I lay down to take a nap in the afternoon. Forgetting I'd been laid up in bed with my back out for most of the day, at 4pm I was talking to her and said I was going to try to take a nap now. She headed to another part of the house and I closed my eyes. I guess I was pretty tired because the next thing I knew she's standing over me jostling my HIP to wake me up. Apparently she'd gotten a phone call and didn't know the answer to the callers question, so therefore I had to be woken up to tell her what the answer was. Two major problem with this, 1) I had no idea what she was talking about let alone the answer to the question, but 2) IT WAS 4:30!!!! I'd gotten to sleep for a whole whopping 30 minutes!! I bit my lip for at least 5 minutes while I PATIENTLY explained I had no way to know that it was she wanted me to tell her, when I said that maybe the next time she could tell a caller that she wanted to ask me and would call them back?!?!?! Oh yeah, THIS resulted in huffing and puffing and my bedroom door being slammed shut hard enough it knocked something off the top of my tv.

She has apparently decided she wants to clean the carpet on the lanai this coming weekend. She decided this yesterday, when I'm laid up in bed almost totally unable to move. She goes on and on about how dirty the carpet in there must be and how it 'just has to be' cleaned immediately, but... since I have to work and sleep she supposes she'll have to live 'with the dirt' till the weekend... and then I get pouty 'tude about how she supposes I'll just lay and watch her work due to my back!!!!!!!! Hello??? Oh, did I miss the part where I somehow knew she was going to pick this weekend to clean the carpet and therefore intentionally threw out my back to mess up her internal timeline?

Everyday is a new something for her to pick about. She misplaces something, she immediately asks ME where I put it, and when it's located in HER stuff she literally sulks!!! No 'gee sorry', no 'oups'... somehow she finds a way to sulk and act like it's my fault she can't find something SHE misplaced.

One day she'd like me to do something because I know how to do it better than she does (her words, not mine!), then the next day I'm too stupid to know whether or not I took the trash can to the curb that morning. By the way, instead of looking out the front wall on windows in the room she's in, or out the open door to the garage where you would normally see the trashcan, she calls my name and makes me come to her and then asks me if I took out the trash can. Ummm, you can see it 20 feet away, in the sunshine, by the curb, by simply looking left vs right!!! I've given up on pointing this out to her because then I get muttered comments about apparently being 'too busy' to just do what she tells me to.

The examples above are literally things that have happened this week (and it's only Wednesday!). Every week, every day has it's own example. There are days when I'd sell my body for enough money to have a car, simply so I could go away and live in it vs living with this pettiness every single day.

When I get a phone call, I find out 5 minutes (or more) later if she answered the phone. She's had nosy, non-of her business conversations with MY friends when they call me before she ever tells me the call is for me. If I get call when we're watching tv, I have to leave the room to talk because she just keeps turning up the volume on the tv till I can't hear my call, yet she comes in and talks on the phone and I better not even dare to turn up the tv. When I want to have a personal, private conversation, I leave the house and go sit outside to have some privacy. Well, there is no privacy for me here. If I'm not back almost immediately, she follows me and finds 'something' to do where I am so that she can not only eavesdrop, but give me her comments on MY conversation while I'm still trying to have a conversation. A closed bedroom door means nothing here. She's gone thru my closet, my laundry, gives comments on anything of mine she happens to see. It's like living in prison in a really nice environment. I take that back, when I worked in a prison, the offenders had more privacy than I do, at least no one just walked in on THEM when they were trying to take a shower!

I think the kicker was when we were grocery shopping and I put some batteries into MY basket of stuff. She asked me why I needed batteries, and when I failed to answer she said (in that oh so loud tone mothers have perfected to embarrass their children) that I must need it for that 'nasty vibrating thing' I have IN THE CLOSED BOX ON MY DRESSER! Know what? She was right!

So if anyone reading this thinks I'm lucky to live in paradise... wanna trade?

Sciatica

Well, it's happened again, my back has got out. It started to bother me last Thursday, and I was managing to pamper it into not becoming worse. Then yesterday when I had Maxx at the vet, it locked up and went totally out. My right hip is acting up now, and I'd really like to have a rx for some pretty decent pain drugs and a muscle relaxer!!! I'm going to head to the hot tub around 6pm and hope that some heat therapy will make it feel good enough to get me thru work tonight. I had the chance to work last night, but had to turn it down because I simply couldn't move.

Well, poor Maxx is neutered!!! It was when I lifted him up onto the exam table at the vets that my back went out (and he only weights 11.1 pounds!). Mom went with me to pick him up in the afternoon since I couldn't lift him up to even put him into the car for the ride home. He slept most of the day, and when he wasn't sleeping he was whimpering and looking at where his 'boo boo' is. Poor baby, he'd look there, give it a lick and then look at me like 'what did they do with it?'. I had to put one of those silly halo's on him for awhile becuase he was licking too much and while they stitched the 'inner' wound closed, they only super glued the surface area.

I sent an email the other day that I was glad I sent. Problem is I haven't heard a response to the email yet, and the more time goes by the more I'm wondering if I didn't make a mistake in sending it in the first place. I could have written the email easily, only easy wouldn't have been honest. Instead I wrote a very honest email and waiting to hear a response to it is driving me insane.

Well, my back is telling me I've been gone from the heating pad and bed more than long enough. I have got to get to work tonight, so I've got to spend as much time pampering my back between now and then as I can.

Sleepless in Paradise

Grrr! I can't sleep!!! I was up at 6:30 this morning after getting less than 4 hours of sleep last night and it's now after 1am, why oh why am I wide awake??? Around 3 this afternoon I got tired and thought of laying down to take a nap, but decided to resist the urge. My thought was that by being awake long enough I'd SLEEP tonight, really sleep, the restful, deep, peaceful type. Instead it's 1:05am (or 2:05am according to my body) and I'm wide awake!!!

I have actually slept deeply, if not 'longly', for the last couple of nights/days. I'm starting to find peace of mind over something that has bothered me for a long time, and that peace of mind definitely translated into my sleep improving.

Until tonight :(

I want to go to sleep. I want to dream and wake up feeling rested again. Being awake has be over-thinking things in my head again, and that's definitely not conducive to my getting to sleep any time soon.

Part of what's bothering me is worrying over friends. One is going thru panic attack issues, and I feel for him and his wife. I know from experience how hard this can be for both partners to deal with. Another is facing some serious financial issues. It's one of those times when you'd like to win the lottery so you can help someone who truly deserves to be helped, yet since I haven't won the lottery there's nothing I can do but try to be there and listen. Another friend has ended her marriage and seems to be having way too much fun! Not that I don't think she deserves to have as much fun as possible, I just wonder how much of her fun is to keep from feeling the things I'm pretty sure she's feeling. When I think my life is messed-up, I think of them and know things could be worse for me. Yet in a way I'm also kinda jealous, because no matter how hard life is for them right now, they each have loving partners to go thru this with. No matter how today went for them, right now they're all curled up in bed beside someone who loves them, and I'm sleeping alone in a king size bed.

I have an email I'm supposed to be writing for someone. What I'm supposed to be writing about should be a snap for me to do, but it's actually turning out to be really hard. I know how I want to write it, what I want to say, but I'm not sure if in doing that I'm being honest. What was, isn't now, so do I write based on the way things used to be or based on the confusion I feel now. Do I write my fantasy, my 'happy', or do I admit I'm scared? Do I write that I don't know what will happen, what I want is what was, but I'm afraid of what has changed. Maybe I'll write my 'happy' and hope that the email makes the receiver realize that 'happy' is a good thing.

Well, I'm going to go cuddle with Maxx now and hope his sleeping makes me sleepy too LOL! Poor baby gets neutered on Monday... hope he forgives me!

Friday night

It's been a long week, but a pretty good one :)

I worked last night 11p to 7a, then again today from 3p to 11p... yes, I'm tired!!! But it made for a 40 hour week, so I'm not complaining. Next week is going to be 40 hours again, so at least one of my paychecks in the next few months will be nice LOL!

I did something the other day that I'm really glad I got to do. Not sure how it's going to turn out, but it's better already than it was before :)

Early appt to get my haircut in the morning then hitting Bealls for their 'early bell ringer' sale!!! Time to buy a new robe... and shoes!!! WEG!

How come I can't be 'the girl'?

Picture it, I'm sitting on the lanai with my mom watching tv. Suddenly she shrieks like 'a girl' and starts flailing around. I jump and look over and there's a 'palmetto bug' on the footrest of her recliner. Her screeches are "get it! oh get it!".

How come I'M supposed to 'get it'? How come I'm not 'the girl' too? Don't I get to be the one who screeches and flails and waits for someone else to 'get it'?

Ok, yes, I 'got it'. It took about 20 minutes (dang those things are fast and hide well in a recliner!), but I 'got it' with a tissue and 'freed it' outside.

Geeze, when do I get to be 'the girl'??

I guess when it comes to 'getting it' Mom gets to be the girl... but I know exactly what area's I'm 'the girl' at... and bugs are NOT involved ;)

Scary but true!

You Are a Doris!

"I must help others."

Dorises are warm, concerned, nurturing, and sensitive to other people's needs.

How to Get Along with Me

* Tell me that you appreciate me. Be specific.
* Share fun times with me.
* Take an interest in my problems, though I will probably try to focus on yours.
* Let me know that I am important and special to you.
* Be gentle if you decide to criticize me.

What I Like About Being a Doris

* being able to relate easily to people and to make friends
* knowing what people need and being able to make their lives better
* being generous, caring, and warm
* being sensitive to and perceptive about others' feelings
* being enthusiastic and fun-loving, and having a good sense of humor


What's Hard About Being a Doris

* not being able to say no
* feeling drained from overdoing for others
* not doing things I really like to do for myself for fear of being selfish
* criticizing myself for not feeling as loving as I think I should
* working so hard to be tactful and considerate that I suppress my real feelings

http://www.helloquizzy.com/tests/are-you-a-jackie-or-a-marilyn-or-someone-else-mad-menera-female-icon-quiz

Don't they know...

My friends, people who's opinions I respect greatly, have been spending the last few months trying soooo hard to help me thru the break-up. They've listened to me cry, rant, rage, blame myself, ask why a million times. Basically they've been wonderful and I'm shocked they're not fed-up with my attitude swings on this topic.

Yes, sometimes I am over it, but those moments are rare and short-lived. What they're not hearing is how almost constantly my heart still aches. Honestly, it's not just my heart that aches, it's my arms that miss laying across his chest, it's my hands that miss the feel of his body, it's my mouth that misses the taste of him. I miss his smell, his taste, the sound of his voice. I crave feeling him holding my arm gently behind me headed to my bedroom. I miss the feel of his lips kissing me, the feel of his arms when they'd close around me. I miss feeling safe, as if together we were stronger than anything that could come at us. It wasn't about money, it wasn't about 'stuff', it was something more... I miss just looking over and seeing him there. I find myself waking up in the middle of the night with my mouth nursing him, only he's not there. I still wake up several times a week with tears in my eyes. I'm not over this, and I'm not sure how I feel about it.

I want to be past it because it just hurts so much. But if I get over it then it's like I've lost something beyond measure. Damnit, I felt my world tilt the first time I saw him, and for everyday thereafter I felt my heart 'thump' when I'd hear his voice. We were apart for 3 years, and even during the relationship I was in for those 3 years he haunted my dreams and never left my thoughts.

I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. I accepted him for who he was and loved the man he tried to hide and protect. I made mistakes during our relationship, but they only showed me how much HE was what I wanted, that no one was going to take his place in my soul. I was scared about this move, and I know it had to be hard for him. too But the best things in life are sometimes the things that are the hardest to achieve. We were worth the effort.

November is coming. I know he'll probably be in my area soon. If not November, then between Christmas and New Years. The idea of him so close yet so far is killing me.

I have a song lyric haunting me for the last few days. "Don't they know it's the end of the world, it ended when you said goodbye". Don't they know I still miss him, miss us, miss the future we could have had together? Doesn't he know what he said he did as the right thing for me is slowly destroying my life? Doesn't he know he can come back and know I'll still love him?

I Changed too soon?

Noooo! I'm sitting here watching CNN and they just said my Future-President is going to be in my previous hometown today!!! His running mate was in my new hometown a few weeks ago, but this is the one guy I really really want to see!!! Dang, did I move too soon? Today is not a good day, my Future-President is going to be where I used to live and we're freezing here in SW Florida... it was only 58F this morning and tomorrows high is only going to be 70F!!!!

Got a call and will be working 5 days/nights this week vs 4. My paycheck always appreciates these weeks LOL! Before I moved here was a point where I worked 23 days straight. As much as I liked THAT paycheck, I think I'll take SW Florida over NE Ohio :)

7 days till Maxx gets neutered. Hopefully it will deter his yearning to run across the street and to chase rabbits into the preserve.

Hey Danielle....

Happy Birthday!!!!

I can't beleive that you were soooo close to where I used to live!!! Dang! Now you'll just have to come back there when I'm up there this Spring! WEG!

Lonely

It's been 8 months since J broke up with me, shouldn't it have stopped hurting by now? Somedays I feel strong and past him, some days I feel lost and miss him/us so much it still makes me cry. He's invaded my dreams again, so now I can't even find solice in sleeping.

When I was talking to Sir G the other day he reminded me of something important. He'd asked me once what word I would use to describe my emotions while dating J. I used the word lonely. I was lonely alot. He kept me at either arms length or pulled tightly against his heart, there never seemed to be a middle ground. I wish I could remember the lonely times more often, then maybe I wouldn't still be feeling so damn lonely now.

But instead of remembering the lonely times, I just wish he'd come back again and let me into his life, into the 'middle ground'. When does this end???

Thank You Sir G

Just a quick note to say a special thank you to Sir G. When I need an honest, real, truth vs 'nice' male point of view, Sir G is exactly who I talk to.

He's only the second man in my life that I've respected enough to call Sir, and the only one who's stood by me thru everything.

You weren't 'nice' Sir G, but you reminded me of some harsh truths that I needed to hear again. You wife KT is one very lucky woman... most of the time WEG!

Sunday thoughts

Well, another week bites the dust! This last week has been strange to say the least. What a shame it wasn't strange in a fun way.

Got asked out, freaked out like a total twit. Tried to get overtime at work, almost lost a day on the schedule. Made the appointment to get poor Maxx neutered. Have been totally confused about my thoughts about J yet once again.

Today was supposed to be spent doing a movie and lunch with C, but she had to cancel. I totally understand why she had to cancel, but I was really looking forward to us getting to spend some girl-time together. Hopefully things will work out soon for us to spend a day together... even if it means forcing her into a bathing suit and just hanging at the pool WEG!

My brain is still jumping all over the place when I think about J. There were sooooo many things wrong with that relationship, and I can honestly lay 98% of them directly a his feet. He treated me like his dirty little secret and refused to allow me into his 'real life'. My 2% of the blame comes in allowing it to happen and not throwing a total fit about it much sooner than I did. It probably wasn't fair of me to wait until this had been going on for almost 6 years and we were on vacation to unload how I was feeling. Though I probably would have not said anything if I hadn't been so sick at the time... apparently being ill and feeling awful removed my internal filter that had me keeping too much to myself.

Oh well, I'll admit I still miss 'us' and still cry over it from time to time. I'll also admit I'm not sure if I'm looking forward to the time when I don't miss him. Gee, I'm still pretty confused, but at least I'm clearheaded enough to acknowledge it! :)

Sleep deprivation

I've never been a great sleeper, and for the last few weeks I've entered a really frustrating sleep cycle. I fall asleep easily, then find myself waking up completely almost exactly 3 hours later. From that point on I'm waking up almost every hour and having a progressively harder time falling back asleep.

Working midnights makes sleeping 'normally' hard enough, but this cycle has me feeling tired all the time and my emotions are getting closer and closer to the surface.

Today was a good example of my emotions being much too close to the surface. Each time I woke up I felt more and more that what I needed to really SLEEP was to be wrapped in J's arms... to feel protected and cherished. My logical mind is past this, but when I'm this tired all I want is to not be alone, to feel that someone out there gives a crap if I live or die, that someone feels I'm worth being held and cuddled. Geeze, I'm sitting here typing this and tearing up.

I want to blame this on being sleep deprived, but I wonder is it the lack of sleep or is being so tired allowing my true heart to break thru the wall I've tried to put around it?

I'm so damn unhappy. I tell everyone how great I'm doing, how much I love living here, how much I 'like' my job, and in my heart I know it's all bs. I'm just saying it to keep everyone else happy, to not have to explain how I am feeling... to not have to acknowledge outloud how miserable I am.

Right now I'd swallow every ounce of pride I have to hear his voice. I can't think of anything I wouldn't give up to feel his arms close around me again.

Not so bad

Well, last night/this morning didn't go too badly! I made a joke about 'being better in the dark' to try to explain about being such a dork yesterday, and he picked up on it and we started joking about things that are better in the dark vs the light of day.

I was nervous and things turned out fine and we're back to laughing and flirting... hopefully things stay this way.

I'm obviously not ready to date... wonder if I'll ever be :(

Asked out!

Yesterday I said I wasn't ready to date, then today I got asked out on a date!

I don't interact with many people at work (most people are sleeping during my working hours), but I do see the newspaper delivery people and the maintenance people when they're arriving for work. One of the newspaper delivery people I see is a man who's in his late 40's who delivers the paper as his 2nd job. I won't mention what his first job is, but I'm shocked with what he does for a living he needs a second income. He's sweet, funny and greets me each morning with "good morning beautiful". We've had some fun flirting with each other since June and I do look forward to seeing him in the mornings.

Well, today I ran into him at Publix when I was buying my bi-monthly junkfood stash for work. He was teasing me about how much junk / candy I had in the cart and I was teasing him about the icky veggies he had in the basket on his arm. We were laughing in line and I was just enjoying laughing and flirting with him. When I was checking out he off-handedly made a comment that blew me away. He asked me out to dinner and dancing at this club we'd been discussing while in line.

Suddenly I felt light-headed and like my stomach had dropped 10 feet. I felt like I sounded like an idiot when I said thanks but no thanks. I hadn't realized how freaked out I would be just by having a nice guy ask me out. I am embarrassed by how freaked out I got. I had men ask me out when I was with J and it never really phased me, so I don't understand why I felt like I did today. I finished paying for my junk and headed to the car. While I was standing there he came over and actually apologized for upsetting me. I'm so damn embarrassed!!

I'm going to see him this morning when I'm at work, so I'm 3 hours away from leaving for work and already dreading it.

Sometimes I could kick J in the... you get my point. Before he broke my heart the idea of being asked out would have made me feel great, now apparently it makes me feel like throwing up :(

Helpful?

I've sat here and watched amazing displays of wildlife. I've seen hawks, bald eagles, coyotes, raccoon's, more insects and snakes than I care to remember, alligators and turtles. For some reason much too often I see people trying to 'help' these animals.

Does a bald eagle really need someone to put out a thawed turkey from Publix to feed it?

Do we really need to catch the snake and 'relocate' it someplace 'safer'?

If 'relocating' the alligators is so helpful, how come it keeps coming back to the same spot a month later?

The one people seem to feel a compulsive need to 'help' the most often are the turtles. I'm not talking little turtles here, I'm talking turtles that have shells over a foot in width. They've obviously survived a long time to get to this size, yet my neighbors keep 'helping' them. Today I was watching one tottle down the street towards the lake/pond when someone saw it, stopped their golf cart, picked it up, and moved it from the street to my yard. Now we're not talking a busy street here, remember that most of us drive golf carts up and down the streets here. This poor turtle had worked a long time to get to where he was, then when 'helped' into my yard they put him back about 20 feet farther from the water he was headed to. I watched him go back into the street and start off towards the pond again, only to have someone else stop and put it into the grass even farther back from the water than he was the last time!

Again he wandered back into the street and headed towards the water. This time he almost made it when someone picked him up and put him in the grass. At least this time it was the grass where the lake/pond is!!! Each time someone would pick him up his legs would thrash and his head would whip all around. Wouldn't you take this to mean 'leave me the hell alone'?

Watching this scene play out got me to thinking about my friends and acquaintance's who are trying to 'help' me. I know you love me, and I know you only have the best of intentions in your heart, but please stop telling me about the 'real job' you heard of that I'd be perfect for. I am more than satisfied doing (or not doing) what I am for now. Please stop trying to get me to date this great guy you know. I don't want to date right now. I'm not ready. I don't know if I'll ever be ready again, but when/if I am I promise you all will be the first to know.

I am bored at work, but I have a job where I'm not going to be downsized or outsourced or closed down. I make barely enough money but I know my job isn't going anywhere. Right now it's the safest thing in my life, ok?

I'm lonely, I miss J. I miss DD. I miss being held and stroked and touched and yeah, I really miss having my hair pulled and lead to the bedroom by him holding my arm and leading me. I'm not ready to let someone else in that deep into my heart yet. I gave J my soul, I believed I'd spend the rest of my life safe in his heart. I'm not ready to risk being hurt again. Please give me time to figure out who I am now before I try to find someone to 'complete' me.

Help is given with the best of intentions, but like that turtle today, sometimes you just need to be left alone to tottle towards the water at your own pace.

Darn thunderstorms!

I'd written this really long, very honest blog post the other day. Actually I was almost finished writting but had not quiet finished it. Then Mother Nature apparenty decided I didn't need to blog that day. What had been a quiet afternoon rain turned into a raging thunderstorm, and the first lightening burst blew the electric here and POOF went my blog post :(

Work is work. I'm still bored mindless and giggling over actually being paid to stay up all night and watch movies and read. In this economy I'm just grateful for a paycheck, so I'm not complaining too much.

Politics have been keeping my attention lately. I won't go into the details of who I beleive and who makes me scream at the tv, but those who know me know who I'm backing and know they won't be changing my mind.

I've been thinking alot about J lately. He'd planned so much on his 401K allowing him to retire (or semi-retire) in the next few years. I know he's very cautious about his investments, but with the stockmarket nightmare going worldwide, I can't stop worrying about how he's being effected. As much as he hurt me, I hate the thought that all he'd wanted for himself and his future could now be destroyed. I can stay I'm past him all I want (and in someways I am), but when you love someone who you imagine growing old with, I guess you never stop worrying about them and hoping they're not in pain.

Yup, I still love him and wish things were different. Today is just one of those days.

Maxx is getting bigger and bigger. His mom was 6 lbs and his dad was 8 lbs and at 6 months old Maxx is now 11 lbs! If he gets much bigger he won't fit on my lap LOL! He's still a big baby tho and the main man in my life. Wonder how he'll feel about me next month when I take him in to get neutered? LOL!

Ok, well that's it for here for now. I'll try to post more often and keep a better eye out on the weather.

Random update

Sorry for the delay in blogging updates. Privacy is hard to find around here now, and coming on here and 'talking' is something I do with emotion, and it's difficult to come here and blog then leave my room and be 'normal'. I'll definately have to work on this tho, I don't like when blogs I read don't update on a regular basis, so I don't want to be what I don't like having done to me.

If your brain isn't twisted and semi-fried from that last sentence, keep reading LOL!

Things with mom and I are better. We haven't found our 'room-mate' rhythm again yet, but it's a vast improvement over the first few days.

The drive from Ohio to Florida was tough. The only other time I've been on those highways was with J, and there were alot of memories on that drive for me. The worst was crossing the state line between North & South Carolina and remembering 'playing' with J each time we were on that stretch of road... there's possibly some truckers out there with stories to tell of what they saw in the van/car WEG! Stopping in the first restarea in South Carolina brought me to tears. That's where the first palm tree is on that drive and it was always something special to me. It meant we were really 'away' and going to have 'us' time. Seeing it this time was a shock because I hadn't even thought about seeing it, so it really kicked me in the heart when it came into view.

I don't know what to say I miss the most... intimacy, sex, spanking, DD, or all of the above. I can't imagine feeling those feelings again with anyone else, so I don't hold out much hope of having 3 things on that list ever again. Ok, enough of that, I don't want to be depressed today!!!

Tomorrow morning I'm going to grab the least amount of sleep my body requires then I'm heading out to spend time with C & her husband L. I love spending time with them and haven't really gotten to do so in months!! C and I have been able to get together a couple of times over the summer, but I haven't seen L since the Spring. Tomorrow is dinner, drinks and 'dish'... I can't wait!!

Angel is back online!!! I miss reading her blog(s) and am thrilled she's back online. I'd like to link her new blog on my blogroll, but will wait till she says it's ok first :)

'Home' is more than a word

There's a big difference between a house and 'home'. This past summer I really felt like I was home.... now I feel like I live in a house. Like I live in a house where I'm not welcome.

I got home with my mom on Sunday. 4 days in the car was tough, but only really due to the lack of privacy. Travelling with Mom was enjoyable 95% of the time. From pretty much the moment we walked into the house, I've been miserable. I don't know what happened, but she's been sooooo cranky and nasty and negative. Her tone is always at least half pissed off, her pov is ALWAYS the glass is not just half empty, but it's dirty and leaving a ring on the table. It's hard to live with someone who can't seem to find anything positive to say about anything!

I'm really praying that this is just a temporary readjustment period for her. If it's not, I'm going to end up homeless because I can't live like this for much long :(

Back home

Being couped up in a car with any other human being for 5 days is a test in patience!!!

My mom's not a bad travelling companion, but after about the 3rd day in the car I was ready to leave her at a roadside rest stop!!! Not that she did anything to annoy me, I was just ready to have 10 minutes of 'alone' time and that simply isn't going to happen when you're sharing car space, motel rooms, and even sightseeing together.

The weather has cooled just the slightest here, so now it's actually possible to be outside for 10 minutes without sweating, vs the 3 minutes you had just a week ago! Come on January!!! I'm ready for highs around 80 instead of 100+ heat indexes.

Settling back in at home with Mom and her dog is taking a bit of time. I'd gotten used to doing things my way and now I'm having to adjust to not having any privacy 24/7 again... wish me luck in not running away from home in the next 30 days LOL!

Labor Day

Well, it's Labor Day. The day we're supposed to celebrate the 'work' we do, and reflect on the work we've put into our lives.

I keep thinking about the thing I put the most work into for the past 6 years... my relationship with J. Funny thing, when he ended 'us', one of the things he said was that he wasn't willing to put the work into our relationship that would be needed.

For the last 6 months I've been thinking about the work that goes into making a relationship work. I've come to realize that to him it was barely a part-time job and for me it was where I put in untold hours of unpaid overtime.

For the last couple of months I've been writting a post where I say 'goodbye' to our relationship in my head. I've come up with some pretty pithy comments, some revealing insights, and some words I wish I'd been able to say to him over the years. But know what? None of it really makes a difference. Well, it makes a difference to me but wouldn't make a difference to him.

So, I've figured out what our relationship needs from me for 5 1/2 years of work.

I HEREBY RESIGN EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY!

I gave it everything I had, and parts of me I didn't even realize I had. I made it the centerpoint of my life and worked everything else around it. I refused to acknowledge that while the position had some perks and some great moments, I was being unappreciated, overworked and only paid when I insisted on collecting a paycheck.

I'll miss the person I was in that job. But somewhere out there is a job where I get to be that person again and get paid vacations, paid sick-time, merit raises, and when overtime is needed, I'm asked and not ordered to do it.

The job market may be rough at this time, but with enough resumes and interviews, I'm now sure that eventually I'll come across the right position for me and I'll be glad to accept the job!

Who does this belong to???

I found this on the web and instantly fell in-love with the image. The problem is I can't remember the site I found it on. If it's yours, PLEASE let me know, I really want to give you credit for it!!

Meme

Wow, time to do my first borrowed meme!! I 'borrowed' this one from Kitty (http://myscratchingpost.blogspot.com/)...


I give you money and send you into the grocery store to pick up 5 items. You can only pick one thing from the following departments, what is it?

Produce: Strawberries

Frozen: Breyers Ice Cream!

Meat: Steak

Dairy: Fat Free Milk

Can Goods: Cream of Mushroom Soup


Let's say we're heading out for a weekend getaway. You're only allowed to bring 3 articles of clothing with you. So, what's in your bag?

(assuming I'm not going to be alone)

Black lace bra

Black lace panties

Silk bathrobe


If I was to listen in on one of your conversations throughout the day, what 4 phrases or words would I be most likely to hear?

Oh please

Alright

Good morning Maxx

I love you


So, what 4 things do you find yourself doing every single day, and if you didn't get to do, you probably wouldn't be in the best mood?

Going online

Eating food with no nutritional value whatsoever

Watching tv

Taking a shower


You're driving down the road, and suddenly you're hit with this sense of road rage. What 3 factors probably contributed to it?

I'm running late (which drives me insane no matter what!)

Someone is weaving thru traffic

Music from another car that's so loud it makes MY car vibrate


Sweet, you just scored a whole afternoon to yourself. We're talking a 3 hour block with nobody around. What 5 activities might we find you doing?

Checking for new spanking clips/vids online

Playing

Reading DD/spanking stories

Playing

Talking on the phone


We're going to the zoo. But, it looks like it could start storming, so it'll have to be a quick visit. What 3 exhibits do we have to get to?

Chimps

Petting zoo

Seals


You just scored tickets to the taping of any show that comes on t.v. of your choice. You can pick 4, so what are you going to see?

Winter Olympics

Summer Olympics

Big Brother

Criminal Minds


You're hungry for ice cream. I'll give you a triple dipper ice cream cone. What 3 flavors can I pile on for ya?

Strawberry

Cherry Vanilla

Rasberrry


Somebody stole your purse/wallet…in order to get it back, you have to name 5 things you know are inside to claim it. So, what's in there?

Cigarettes

Old employment ID

Library card

Cellphone

Sunglasses


You are at a job fair, and asked in what areas you are interested in pursuing a career. Let's pretend you have every talent and ability to be whatever you wanted, so what 4 careers would be fun for you?

Professional submissive

Teacher (math or literature)

Editor

Professional photographer


If you could go back and talk to the old you, when you were in high school, and inform yourself of 4 things, what would you say?

Don't settle for anyone who doesn't love you at least as much as you love them

If anyone ever hits you, LEAVE!!... it will happen again no matter what they say

That I won't always be too skinny, so stop eating 2 med pepperoni pizza's now

That I'm probably going to be 'single' forever, build a life for myself that makes ME happy

Fay was all wet!

Well, TS Fay was nothing more than alot of wind and some rain!!

Hehehehehe, I was right!!!

According to the weather station we got almost 6 inches of rain, but it came down pretty lightly over a day and half. We didn't have any flooding here, but some of the resortish areas just south of me are still pretty flooded.

Oh well, there's aways the next one LOL!

Sleepless nights

I haven't had a good nights sleep in almost a month. Nightmares come in many varieties, as I'm learning. The ones that keep me up, or wake me up and keep me from going back to sleep aren't the ones where scary things are happening. When I wake from those I can tell myself that something like in my dream can't possibly happen and within a few moments I can go back to sleep.

No, the one that keeps me up and wakes me up and won't let me go back to sleep is unique. It's not a 'scary dream', it was once something that made me smile in my sleep.

Last winter I said something to J that I'd never said to anyone, male or female, in my life. Laying together, pulled tightly agianst him, I said "I feel safe. This is the safest place in my universe". I can still hear his response; "good, that's the way it's supposed to be'. Within months he ended us, he took away the only safe place I'd ever known.

In so many ways he was a lousy boyfriend. 5+ years and he'd never commit, never give me more of himself than HE wanted to give. But there was something there, from the very first, that 'clicked' and made 'us' work. Maybe it was the DD, maybe it was that he allowed and accepted my submissive side. Maybe it was the height differential between us that allowed me to feel 'small and feminine' beside him. Maybe it was the strength of his dominant persona... I don't know what it was, I just know that 'it' was.

I can hear myself saying those words to him, feel his hand move away from the small of my back, and wrap around me. He pulled me oh so tightly against his side and kissed my forehead and said "good, that's the way it's supposed to be". And I beleived him. I beleived I would feel safe forever. I'd never felt safe before. I'd always felt like it was me against the world, and in his arms I honestly felt like I was cherished and protected. Not that 'he' could defeat all my demons, but that together we were stronger than any demon.

I lay my head against my pillow, tired in body and mind, and as I enter that place where reality slips away and dreams begin, I hear those words, feel his embrace... and I wake up with tears and my heart breaking anew. I want to make that one memory either go away or come true...

I want to stop having to wipe away fresh tears between keystokes.

TS Fay welcomes me

Yesterday a friend and I spent the day running around shopping. At WalMart there were a bazillion people, and apparently they all felt a compulsive urge to buy bottled water, coolers, flashlights and batteries. Kinda reminded me of Black Friday shoppers right before Y2K LOL!

Tropical Storm Fay is predicted to become Hurricane Fay in the next few hours. This apparently forecasts the end of the world as we knew it in SW Florida! Since when did a hurricane become equal to the end of the world? Isn't a hurricane just a thunderstorm on really good steriods? If I lived thru the Blizzard of 77 and apparently survived, am I supposed to be worried about Fay? As far as I can see, the worst thing that could happen is no electric for a day... aka no tv, radio, or god-forbid Internet access.

Is everyone else over reacting or am I denying that this could be a problem? I thought I had a handle on it until I woke-up around 3am last night worrying about this. Goofy worries too. 'Do I have enough bread?', 'What if the wind is too strong for me to hold onto Maxx?', 'Where can I put my laptop that is hurricane safe?'. None of these are really rational worries if a hurricane really is something that equals disaster, right?

I guess my conern is becoming, am I right, or am I in denial?

I'll report back when Fay goes away and see who's right... me or everyone else...

Work Night

Well, it's time to get ready to stay up all night again!!

I shouldn't complain about my job: how many people can have a job where they don't have to drive there, where you take the dog, and get paid to read / watch tv / watch dvd's all night? I'd like to say the hardest part of my job is staying awake all night, but that's not the whole story. The hardest part of my job is dealing with complete and utter boredom!

I MISS using my brain!!! I feel like my brain is turing to mush. Everyone says I should get one of those 'work from home on your computer' jobs to do while I'm oh-so-busy staying awake all night, but the only ones I seem to find when I look on the net are pretty much the internet version of stuffing envelopes. Ideally I'd like to find a job where I did bookkeeping 'at home'!! I like working with numbers and it's something I could do for the 8 hours I'm up anyhow. Anyone know of a bookkeeping from home job... PLEASE feel free to contact me LOL!

My 'job' is where I live. We're a gated, private country club and I work at the front gate from 11pm till 7am four nights a week. The timing couldn't have been better, because I got offered the job less than a week after the transmission died in the van. So while I'm dealing with not having a car, at least I'm able to get to work!! Maxx and I pile in the golf cart around 10:30pm and head 'to work'. He actually seems to get exchited about it. When I say 'it's time to go to work Maxx' he jumps up and runs to the garage door. He does do alot more than sleep under the counter at my feet all night long, but at least I don't have to leave him home alone all night.

There's not alot of people to deal with between 11pm and 3 or 4am. Then the newspaper delivery people start showing up. Maxx used to wake up and get all 'frisky' when he'd hear me talking to someone outside, now he just barely lifts his head. He doesn't wake up till 5:30am when the guy who unlocks the community lodge comes to get the keys. You aught to meet this guy! He's like 90 years old, and has been unlocking the 'community' at 5:30am for the last 8 years! He does this 7 days a week, 365 days a year. He says he likes it and he feels like he's doing something vs 'being retired' and he likes to start his day 'productively'!!!

I tend to show up for work around 30 minutes early, and sady I can't say the same for the people who releive me in the mornings. They tend to show up more like 5 minutes to 7am. Maxx has figured out that when the 'key guy' shows up it's getting 'close' to time to go home. He goes out, then comes in and wants to cuddle for a bit. When the sun starts to lighten the sky he wants out again, then he goes straight to the golf cart!!! To him the sun means it's time to go home LOL! I have to convince him to come back 'inside' for about another half-hour or so till our relief shows up. When he hears their golfcart stop infront of the gate-shack he starts jumping at me and goes out the door and jumps into his 'car seat' in the golf cart. He's ready to call it a day LOL!

It's not a hard job, and it's got alot of perks for me right now, but being bored is starting to get to me. Oh well, I guess there has to be some price to living in Paradise.

Home

I moved away from Ohio back in February of this year. Quiet honestly, sometimes I miss it! It's soooo hot here in the Summer that I miss the 'coolness' of Ohio evenings LOL! I know I'm going to miss seeing all the Autumn colors in October, it was always my favorite time of year. I'll probably miss that first time in April when you're outside and suddenly it dawns on you that there's COLOR again! You get so used to a color palete of white (snow), gray (snow mixed with 'salt' on the side of the road), and brown (anything that isn't white or gray), that it's an amazing moment when you suddenly notice things have a tinge of green again.

But, I live in Paradise!!! The average temp in February here is in the mid 70's!!! Arriving here via plane in the Winter is like when Dorothy opened the door to OZ! Suddenly you're overwhelmed by alllll the different colors and how vibrant they are! To see flowers in full-bloom, to pluck a ripe orange (or lemon or grapefruit) off a tree on New Years Eve... it's great!

Even the sunsets here are 'different' than they are up north...

And you never know what you're going to see when you look out the window...

Did you know tree-frogs make noise??? A really obnoxious noise LOL!

This guy's in my front yard...

And there's always a favorite form of recreation LOL...

Yeah, there's definately worse places to live!

My old blog

I miss my old blog this morning. For some reason I want to go back and re-read the posts about how good things were between J and I. I want to go back and remember when things were at their best, when I didn't feel alone and like I was going to feel this way for the rest of my life.

I'm heading 'north' the week of Labor Day to visit friends and then drive my mom back home. Mom has neuothopy in her feet, so while she can drive, she can't drive for more than on hour or two without her feet/calves going numb. Personally I feel better for everyone else on the road if my mom's not on the highway driving with numb feet!

Anyhow, I'm heading back in 3 weeks, and while I'm really looking forward to getting to spend some time visiting (aka shopping my heart out and eating out) with my friends, it's been eating at me that I'll be 'right there' where J is. I flip minute to minute on whether or not to contact him, to see him, so even let him know I'm in the neighborhood.

Maybe it will help me think clearly if I just put it down here...

Yes, see him...

* just show up at his work. Walk in and surprise him. He'll be so shocked to see me he'll run over and pull me into his arms. He'll tell me how much he regrets ending us and ask me to take him back. Definately the least likely senerio.

* call him from his work parking lot and say "hey, wanna take a girl out to dinner?". Then tell him where I am and hear him be happy he's going to get to see me. We go out to dinner and he tells me how he misses me, and I tell him how while it hurt, I'm glad it ended and I've moved on. This one would be a dinner with a huge serving of lies for dessert.

* same as above, but I lead him on during dinner and when he goes to kiss me in the parking lot I slap him across the face and tell him what a wuss I think he was/is for the way he handled things and that I never want to see/hear from him again. Not my style, but makes me wish it was.

No, I don't see him...

* this ones pretty cut and dry. I don't call, I don't let him know I'm in the neighborhood. I spend the entire time I'm up north debating whether to call or not. My biggest concern with this one is that I'll get back down here and regret not having made the call. It's been almost 6 months, aren't I supposed to be past feeling this way yet?

Oh well, I know me, I'll do nothing now and do something (or not do something) spontanious while there. I'll really only have one day when I will have the car and time to do any of the above 'yes' things, so hopefully I'll be so busy and happy that when the thought to call/show up crosses my mind it will be late enough the choice will be made for me!

Damn, does it eventually get easier? I sure hope so!

My favorite male

This is Maxx!

He's definately the most favored male in my life at this time LOL!

He gives unconditional kisses, is always thrilled to see me come home, and doesn't take up too much of the bed at night (and he doesn't say I snore either!).

What more could a woman want? WEG!