Don't they know...

My friends, people who's opinions I respect greatly, have been spending the last few months trying soooo hard to help me thru the break-up. They've listened to me cry, rant, rage, blame myself, ask why a million times. Basically they've been wonderful and I'm shocked they're not fed-up with my attitude swings on this topic.

Yes, sometimes I am over it, but those moments are rare and short-lived. What they're not hearing is how almost constantly my heart still aches. Honestly, it's not just my heart that aches, it's my arms that miss laying across his chest, it's my hands that miss the feel of his body, it's my mouth that misses the taste of him. I miss his smell, his taste, the sound of his voice. I crave feeling him holding my arm gently behind me headed to my bedroom. I miss the feel of his lips kissing me, the feel of his arms when they'd close around me. I miss feeling safe, as if together we were stronger than anything that could come at us. It wasn't about money, it wasn't about 'stuff', it was something more... I miss just looking over and seeing him there. I find myself waking up in the middle of the night with my mouth nursing him, only he's not there. I still wake up several times a week with tears in my eyes. I'm not over this, and I'm not sure how I feel about it.

I want to be past it because it just hurts so much. But if I get over it then it's like I've lost something beyond measure. Damnit, I felt my world tilt the first time I saw him, and for everyday thereafter I felt my heart 'thump' when I'd hear his voice. We were apart for 3 years, and even during the relationship I was in for those 3 years he haunted my dreams and never left my thoughts.

I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. I accepted him for who he was and loved the man he tried to hide and protect. I made mistakes during our relationship, but they only showed me how much HE was what I wanted, that no one was going to take his place in my soul. I was scared about this move, and I know it had to be hard for him. too But the best things in life are sometimes the things that are the hardest to achieve. We were worth the effort.

November is coming. I know he'll probably be in my area soon. If not November, then between Christmas and New Years. The idea of him so close yet so far is killing me.

I have a song lyric haunting me for the last few days. "Don't they know it's the end of the world, it ended when you said goodbye". Don't they know I still miss him, miss us, miss the future we could have had together? Doesn't he know what he said he did as the right thing for me is slowly destroying my life? Doesn't he know he can come back and know I'll still love him?