Random thoughts from recent days

I know I haven't been around here much lately, and I'll blame it mostly on a lack of time with enough privacy to come here and be honest.

Working midnights doesn't allow for a lot of free time to do the things I'd like to do, but usually I have thoughts running through my head I'd really like to come here and put down 'on paper'.

Back in October I found out J was reading this blog, almost daily reading it! I found this out when I got an email from him in response to a blog post where I listed some of the things from our relationship I was missing. His email prompted a phone call from me, and we talked for almost an hour. We agree to exchange emails and see each other when he was down here Thanksgiving week. Let's just say he kept neither promise he made to me during that phone call. I'd thought that his lack of keeping his word would have crushed me, but I was surprised to find I wasn't hurt by what he was doing, but by the fact that I realized this was his pattern of behavior for the last 5+ years. Our relationship was stagnant because HE is stagnant. He's not a person capable of sharing himself emotionally, yet he's smart enough to know how to do and say the right thing at the right time to keep getting away with keeping a women at arms length and waiting. I realized it wasn't just me he'd done this to, but all the women in his life. I'm a woman who when I give myself to a man, I give myself totally. I feel disappointed in myself for not realizing what his pattern was years earlier.

And to J... STOP READING HERE! I know you've read here again. You're not part of my life anymore, so please just go away and stay away!

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If you want the perfect Christmas present, buy it for yourself LOL! I wanted 3 things for Christmas, a smaller digital camera (I have a semi-professional one that's amazing, but not 'small'), a new ring to replace one I no longer wear, and a portable/personal DVD player. Black Friday I got a really nice Kodak digital camera on sale, 2 weeks ago I got a beautiful blue topaz ring, and after plenty of research I got a Sony, 8", DVD player. To anyone looking to buy one of these portable DVD players, pay close attention to the charged-life of the battery. The average is 2-2.5 hours, which may not be long enough to watch the DVD you want to watch when traveling! The Sony one I got has a charged-life of 6 hours! The screen pivots and lays flat, it comes with the accessories to connect it to a tv, and the A/C and car charger. The only two things it doesn't come with are a carrycase and DVD's LOL!

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I think it's time for me to find a new man.

One friend suggests I find a new 'buddy' for fun only. Other's suggest I just date around. A 'buddy' isn't my style, if all I wanted was sex it wouldn't have been 10 months and counting since I've had any. And dating for the sake of dating it's my style either. I'm 46 now, I want to find someone to spend the rest of my life with. I want to find a man who is tall and strong, both physically and emotionally. I want him to enjoy laughing as much as he enjoys 'growling' at me ( I love that gruff tone a man can get WEG!). Of course he's got to be willing to put up with my needs too... the need to spoil him and be spoiled in return, the need to serve and be serviced sexually as often as possible, the need to make sure he always knows he's cared about while he's making sure I always know he cares in return.

So if you happen to know this man, and he lives in SW Florida, EMAIL ME asap LOL!!!

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As much as my job bores me senseless, I'm grateful to have a job in this economy. Everyday I hear the numbers on unemployment and am glad I have a job, any job. When things start to swing upwards again, I'll go out and find a job that requires more of me than an ability to stay awake when normal people are sleeping. I miss using my brain, but at least I don't have to worry about ending up homeless. Life isn't about what you have, but how grateful you are for it! I may not have everything I want, but I am grateful for what I do have in a time when so many have so little.