Friday night

It's been a long week, but a pretty good one :)

I worked last night 11p to 7a, then again today from 3p to 11p... yes, I'm tired!!! But it made for a 40 hour week, so I'm not complaining. Next week is going to be 40 hours again, so at least one of my paychecks in the next few months will be nice LOL!

I did something the other day that I'm really glad I got to do. Not sure how it's going to turn out, but it's better already than it was before :)

Early appt to get my haircut in the morning then hitting Bealls for their 'early bell ringer' sale!!! Time to buy a new robe... and shoes!!! WEG!

How come I can't be 'the girl'?

Picture it, I'm sitting on the lanai with my mom watching tv. Suddenly she shrieks like 'a girl' and starts flailing around. I jump and look over and there's a 'palmetto bug' on the footrest of her recliner. Her screeches are "get it! oh get it!".

How come I'M supposed to 'get it'? How come I'm not 'the girl' too? Don't I get to be the one who screeches and flails and waits for someone else to 'get it'?

Ok, yes, I 'got it'. It took about 20 minutes (dang those things are fast and hide well in a recliner!), but I 'got it' with a tissue and 'freed it' outside.

Geeze, when do I get to be 'the girl'??

I guess when it comes to 'getting it' Mom gets to be the girl... but I know exactly what area's I'm 'the girl' at... and bugs are NOT involved ;)

Scary but true!

You Are a Doris!

"I must help others."

Dorises are warm, concerned, nurturing, and sensitive to other people's needs.

How to Get Along with Me

* Tell me that you appreciate me. Be specific.
* Share fun times with me.
* Take an interest in my problems, though I will probably try to focus on yours.
* Let me know that I am important and special to you.
* Be gentle if you decide to criticize me.

What I Like About Being a Doris

* being able to relate easily to people and to make friends
* knowing what people need and being able to make their lives better
* being generous, caring, and warm
* being sensitive to and perceptive about others' feelings
* being enthusiastic and fun-loving, and having a good sense of humor


What's Hard About Being a Doris

* not being able to say no
* feeling drained from overdoing for others
* not doing things I really like to do for myself for fear of being selfish
* criticizing myself for not feeling as loving as I think I should
* working so hard to be tactful and considerate that I suppress my real feelings

http://www.helloquizzy.com/tests/are-you-a-jackie-or-a-marilyn-or-someone-else-mad-menera-female-icon-quiz

Don't they know...

My friends, people who's opinions I respect greatly, have been spending the last few months trying soooo hard to help me thru the break-up. They've listened to me cry, rant, rage, blame myself, ask why a million times. Basically they've been wonderful and I'm shocked they're not fed-up with my attitude swings on this topic.

Yes, sometimes I am over it, but those moments are rare and short-lived. What they're not hearing is how almost constantly my heart still aches. Honestly, it's not just my heart that aches, it's my arms that miss laying across his chest, it's my hands that miss the feel of his body, it's my mouth that misses the taste of him. I miss his smell, his taste, the sound of his voice. I crave feeling him holding my arm gently behind me headed to my bedroom. I miss the feel of his lips kissing me, the feel of his arms when they'd close around me. I miss feeling safe, as if together we were stronger than anything that could come at us. It wasn't about money, it wasn't about 'stuff', it was something more... I miss just looking over and seeing him there. I find myself waking up in the middle of the night with my mouth nursing him, only he's not there. I still wake up several times a week with tears in my eyes. I'm not over this, and I'm not sure how I feel about it.

I want to be past it because it just hurts so much. But if I get over it then it's like I've lost something beyond measure. Damnit, I felt my world tilt the first time I saw him, and for everyday thereafter I felt my heart 'thump' when I'd hear his voice. We were apart for 3 years, and even during the relationship I was in for those 3 years he haunted my dreams and never left my thoughts.

I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. I accepted him for who he was and loved the man he tried to hide and protect. I made mistakes during our relationship, but they only showed me how much HE was what I wanted, that no one was going to take his place in my soul. I was scared about this move, and I know it had to be hard for him. too But the best things in life are sometimes the things that are the hardest to achieve. We were worth the effort.

November is coming. I know he'll probably be in my area soon. If not November, then between Christmas and New Years. The idea of him so close yet so far is killing me.

I have a song lyric haunting me for the last few days. "Don't they know it's the end of the world, it ended when you said goodbye". Don't they know I still miss him, miss us, miss the future we could have had together? Doesn't he know what he said he did as the right thing for me is slowly destroying my life? Doesn't he know he can come back and know I'll still love him?

I Changed too soon?

Noooo! I'm sitting here watching CNN and they just said my Future-President is going to be in my previous hometown today!!! His running mate was in my new hometown a few weeks ago, but this is the one guy I really really want to see!!! Dang, did I move too soon? Today is not a good day, my Future-President is going to be where I used to live and we're freezing here in SW Florida... it was only 58F this morning and tomorrows high is only going to be 70F!!!!

Got a call and will be working 5 days/nights this week vs 4. My paycheck always appreciates these weeks LOL! Before I moved here was a point where I worked 23 days straight. As much as I liked THAT paycheck, I think I'll take SW Florida over NE Ohio :)

7 days till Maxx gets neutered. Hopefully it will deter his yearning to run across the street and to chase rabbits into the preserve.

Hey Danielle....

Happy Birthday!!!!

I can't beleive that you were soooo close to where I used to live!!! Dang! Now you'll just have to come back there when I'm up there this Spring! WEG!

Lonely

It's been 8 months since J broke up with me, shouldn't it have stopped hurting by now? Somedays I feel strong and past him, some days I feel lost and miss him/us so much it still makes me cry. He's invaded my dreams again, so now I can't even find solice in sleeping.

When I was talking to Sir G the other day he reminded me of something important. He'd asked me once what word I would use to describe my emotions while dating J. I used the word lonely. I was lonely alot. He kept me at either arms length or pulled tightly against his heart, there never seemed to be a middle ground. I wish I could remember the lonely times more often, then maybe I wouldn't still be feeling so damn lonely now.

But instead of remembering the lonely times, I just wish he'd come back again and let me into his life, into the 'middle ground'. When does this end???

Thank You Sir G

Just a quick note to say a special thank you to Sir G. When I need an honest, real, truth vs 'nice' male point of view, Sir G is exactly who I talk to.

He's only the second man in my life that I've respected enough to call Sir, and the only one who's stood by me thru everything.

You weren't 'nice' Sir G, but you reminded me of some harsh truths that I needed to hear again. You wife KT is one very lucky woman... most of the time WEG!

Sunday thoughts

Well, another week bites the dust! This last week has been strange to say the least. What a shame it wasn't strange in a fun way.

Got asked out, freaked out like a total twit. Tried to get overtime at work, almost lost a day on the schedule. Made the appointment to get poor Maxx neutered. Have been totally confused about my thoughts about J yet once again.

Today was supposed to be spent doing a movie and lunch with C, but she had to cancel. I totally understand why she had to cancel, but I was really looking forward to us getting to spend some girl-time together. Hopefully things will work out soon for us to spend a day together... even if it means forcing her into a bathing suit and just hanging at the pool WEG!

My brain is still jumping all over the place when I think about J. There were sooooo many things wrong with that relationship, and I can honestly lay 98% of them directly a his feet. He treated me like his dirty little secret and refused to allow me into his 'real life'. My 2% of the blame comes in allowing it to happen and not throwing a total fit about it much sooner than I did. It probably wasn't fair of me to wait until this had been going on for almost 6 years and we were on vacation to unload how I was feeling. Though I probably would have not said anything if I hadn't been so sick at the time... apparently being ill and feeling awful removed my internal filter that had me keeping too much to myself.

Oh well, I'll admit I still miss 'us' and still cry over it from time to time. I'll also admit I'm not sure if I'm looking forward to the time when I don't miss him. Gee, I'm still pretty confused, but at least I'm clearheaded enough to acknowledge it! :)

Sleep deprivation

I've never been a great sleeper, and for the last few weeks I've entered a really frustrating sleep cycle. I fall asleep easily, then find myself waking up completely almost exactly 3 hours later. From that point on I'm waking up almost every hour and having a progressively harder time falling back asleep.

Working midnights makes sleeping 'normally' hard enough, but this cycle has me feeling tired all the time and my emotions are getting closer and closer to the surface.

Today was a good example of my emotions being much too close to the surface. Each time I woke up I felt more and more that what I needed to really SLEEP was to be wrapped in J's arms... to feel protected and cherished. My logical mind is past this, but when I'm this tired all I want is to not be alone, to feel that someone out there gives a crap if I live or die, that someone feels I'm worth being held and cuddled. Geeze, I'm sitting here typing this and tearing up.

I want to blame this on being sleep deprived, but I wonder is it the lack of sleep or is being so tired allowing my true heart to break thru the wall I've tried to put around it?

I'm so damn unhappy. I tell everyone how great I'm doing, how much I love living here, how much I 'like' my job, and in my heart I know it's all bs. I'm just saying it to keep everyone else happy, to not have to explain how I am feeling... to not have to acknowledge outloud how miserable I am.

Right now I'd swallow every ounce of pride I have to hear his voice. I can't think of anything I wouldn't give up to feel his arms close around me again.