Changes

There's just so much going on right now. I feel like I'm suddenly facing a point in life where I have to decide who I really am inside and what are the things that matter the most to me.

Which is more important, having someone in my life who understand my thoughts and feelings on DD and D/s and who I can share this lifestyle with, or having someone who meets my 'vanilla' needs; who's romantic and makes me feel adored? Does it have to be one or the other? I just don't know.

The only thing I do know is that I couldn't be truly happy living my life vanilla. It's just not possible for me to live a full life without the structure that DD D/s offers for me. I'm just wired the way I'm wired and I accept this.

But then I hear this little voice whispering into my ear asking could I be truly happy without someone to hold my hand walking down the beach, someone who wants to take me to dinner, someone who just simply wants to be with me even with no 'lifestyle' issues involved.

Damn, I want both. I want the hearts and flowers tied up with rules and paddles... I think I'm about to have it all... and it scares me that I could be wrong.

Maybe I'm just over-tired and rambling, over-thinking things again...

Busy week

It's been a very long week here!

It started with Mom having a dr's appointment, which led to a trip to the hospital the next day for a heart cath, which led to 2 stints being put into the vessels around her heart, which led to her staying overnight in the hospital, which meant I had to call off work for 2 nights, which lead to problems finding people to cover my shift, which led to me getting very tired and irritated with nearly everyone. It's capped off with Mom feeling more herself and being bored with her exercise restrictions, and doing way to good a job with the 'do for me cause I'm restricted' stuff.

Actually one good thing may have come out of this past week, aside from her improved health which of course is a great thing, but we went to dinner Tuesday night and had an important conversation. I THINK I finally got thru to her about how her 'half empty' comments are effecting me... so things may finally be getting better in that area!!! She's says I'm a bitch to live with, which may be true lately, but I think I got her to understand that alot of the bitchiness is coming from her half-empty viewpoint. We're both working on it, so hopefully things will get better soon!

One of the best things to come out of the past week is she's now healthy enough to fly out West like she had scheduled. She leaves in a little over a week, and I was thinking she was gone for 4 weeks, when actually she'll be gone for 5 weeks!!!

YIPPIE!!!!

She's going to get to go enjoy herself visiting family and I can relax, breath, watch bad tv and come online with complete privacy LOL!!!! Now, if only I had some company during that time it would be even better WEG!!!

So a busy week, but a productive one... life could always be better, but for the moment it's good :)

Half Full or Half Empty?

Some people see the glass as being half full, then others see it as being half empty... I'm trying so hard to be a Half Full person.

Life is hard, I'll be honest, sometimes it's just plain awful. But what's the alternative?? I get up each day and hope today will be at least a bit better than yesterday. I'd love for it to be a wonderful day, but I can live with 'better'. It's the only way I know how to get out of bed each day.

Gee, it's raining in SW Florida today, but the grass needs it and think of how the flowers will bloom next week! That's me. Not: Crap, it's raining and I'm stuck inside today. Yeah, I AM stuck inside today due to rain and wind, but if that's all I focus on why aren't I just getting back into bed and pulling the covers over my head?

When I'm faced with taking an emotional risk, I give alot of thought to it, but if I decide to go for it I go for it all the way and do my best to make it work. If all I focused on is what could go wrong, that I could be hurt, I wouldn't try at all and I'd have missed out on some great things/people.

I'm struggling more than I ever thought possible to view my living where I do as a 'half full' situation. The problem for me is I live with someone who not only sees the glass as half empty, but dirty too. I often feel like I'm being bombarded by negative viewpoints. If she yells my name, it's assumed I'm being a bitch and ignoring her vs the fact that I never heard her in the first place. Trust me, I answer when she calls for me because I don't want to deal with the attitude I get otherwise.

Today I was asked to help her pull her tax paperwork out and get it ready. Ok, so I was on here doing something I wanted/needed to do, but I put that aside and went to help. (Is is 'help' when you feel forced?)

I went in and pulled out the bottom drawer and asked what was in it. Got an answer while she closed the drawer. Pulled open the next drawer up, asked what was in it. Got told that was medical receipts and it slammed shut. At that point I got up and left the room.

Next thing I know she's complaining how all she did was 'ask for some help' and I 'walked out and left it all to her to do'. HUH??? 4 drawer cabinet, I asked about 2 drawers and nearly lost a finger in the 2nd one... why would I want to 'help' at this point?

Soooo, I come back and ask what she wants me to do. I'm ignored.

Sit there and ask again what she would like me to do. I get asked what something is that she found on the desk. I say it's a flier reminding her to schedule her tax prep appointment, and she can throw it away since she's already made the appointment. I get ignored while she reads the thing outloud to me. Uh huh, guess what? It IS the reminder to call and it's ok to throw it away. IMAGINE THAT!!! My saying that's what it was apparently didn't mean anything since she had to read it herself.

At this point I'm biting my tongue and wishing I'd gotten in my car and left home about an hour ago.

I open the 2nd drawer down and ask what's in it. I got told 'the papers I need for my taxes'. Ok, great, we're in the right drawer!! Only problem is that the file folders are EMPTY! Ummm, where are the papers that were in here? She points out old grocery bags on the floor and says that they're in there.

Now at this point I'm wondering what she wanted my 'help' with since she's already pulled these papers out. Silly me asked the question :(

Next thing I know she walks out of the room and starts choking up about how all she did was ask for some help and all I'm wanting to do is do things 'my way'. HUH??? Asking 3 questions is doing things my way??? MY WAY would have been to stay online and do what I was doing when she asked for 'help' in the first place!!!

She starts screaming at me that I'm a bitch and ungrateful and bossy and other words I can't remember. Not proud of it, but I'd had enough. I screamed right back and said no one screamed at me and said those things to me. That I was an adult and if she wanted to act like a cranky child to let me know when she grew up and I'd come back to 'help'. Went into my room and got back online.

She'd had the handyman over today to do some work for and we were expecting him back to be paid. About 5 minutes after the blow-up I hear a knock at the door. Btw, her 'office' is halfway thru the house, whereas my room is in the back of the house. So I know that if I heard the knocking she should have heard it too. But I'm giving the benefit of the doubt that she didn't hear it and said "'Bob' is here, he's knocking at the front door". Next thing I know she's screams out that I'm a bitch who won't even get off my lazy ass to answer the door. HUH?

Ok, all this is embarrassing enough to live with, but when she gets up and answers the door she tells 'Bob' that she hadn't heard him knocking but that I had and I'm a bitch who won't answer the door.

Situations like this (minus the screaming) happen here about once a week.

I'm trying to see the glass as half full: at least I'm out of the snow. She's having health issues so at least I'm here to help her with appointments.... lately that's as much as I can think of to put into my glass. And it's pushing it to call that half full.

I'm not miserable. I just hate living with someone who pouts like a child, says things that embarrass the sin out of me infront of other people, answers the phone when the caller id says it's for me and doesn't give me phone messages, and finds the world in general as a sad and nasty place.

The glass IS half full... and I'm going to keep saying it till I can believe it again!

The absolute JOY of having your own wheels!

Please go out and hug your car! LOL!!

You don't realize how much you rely on it until it's no longer available. Last June the transmission in the van decided it was just too tired to work anymore and I've been without 'my very own' car ever since. I've had access to cars, but it's just not the same as it being 'mine'.

2 weeks ago I got new wheels!!! Well new to me anyhow. It's a '96 Lincoln Contentional and has alot of luxury items in it. What it doesn't have are cup holders! Can you imagine a car with no built-in cup holders?

January 20, 2009

Today I feel hopeful about my country again...

I don't expect him to cure everything, I realize it took a long time to get to this point and will take time to get to a better place. But finally I feel hopeful that leading my country is someone who understands what it's like to LIVE here, not just govern.

Welcome to 2009 ?

Since I'm starting to write this at midnight, I guess we're now 19 days into the new year. So far I don't know how I'm feeling about 2009. Things have been happening, and then again some things haven't been happening...

I've had the house to myself for the last 10 days, well if you don't include having the two dogs that is lol! It's been great not having to answer to anyone, being able to watch whatever I want on tv, eating what I want when I want. I don't miss Mom one little bit to tell the truth. I'm now looking even more forward to March when she's gone all month, let alone her being up North for the entire Summer!

The one thing I wasn't looking forward to this Summer was not having her car available, but I cured that problem earlier this week. I'm now the owner of a 1996 Lincoln Contentional. No, it's not the sweet little sporty car I'd love to have, but it's affordable, the payments are handable, and it does have alot of bells and whistles! Amazingly enough what it doesn't seem to have are cup holders!! How in the heck did Lincoln make a car with no cup holders?

I did get the opportunity to get together with new friends and old friends. I spent the day at the beach with a wonderful friend and really enjoyed our time together. I think that's the defination of a wonderful friend... you don't have to do anything 'special' to enjoy being in that persons company. The new friends were great to meet!!! She's as wonderful in person as she is on the phone and forum, and meeting her husband made me really miss having someone special in my life. Seeing the two of them together was hard sometimes, while I was happy for them, it made me kinda sad for me. Seeing the 'old' friends was a hoot. We don't get to see each other nearly often enough, yet we know each other in ways most people don't know us. It's great to have a friend who knows your history so well because she was there when it was 'current events', not history.

I've been able to bump my work hours from 32 to 40. It helps in the paycheck, but blows having weekends free. Then again, it's not like I've got a personal life for it to be interfering with.

Which leads me to what hasn't been happening here. I'm not dating. I realized the other day that a year ago was 'our' last vacation together. It was a miserable vacation with me being really sick and him being totally 'un-caretaker'ish'. I'm not whiny when I'm sick, but it really hurts when you're running a fever and feeling like death warmed over and the person you're with treats you like you've got the plague. I'd like to be dating... I think. I don't like being lonely, but I'm afraid of being hurt again. I put soooo much of myself into my last relationship that I'm terrified: terrified of being that hurt again, terrified of not being able to give that much of myself to someone else because I'm terrified of being that hurt again. Why can't Prince Charming just come knock on the front door, introduce himself and whisk me away to Happily Ever After land?

If you're my Prince Charming; aka over 6'4", strong in your personality yet capable of being romantic, and know what HOH and OTK stand for... let me know and I'll give you directions to my front door.

So, so far 2009 isn't great, but it's not as bad as it could be either...

Welcome 2009

Random thoughts from recent days

I know I haven't been around here much lately, and I'll blame it mostly on a lack of time with enough privacy to come here and be honest.

Working midnights doesn't allow for a lot of free time to do the things I'd like to do, but usually I have thoughts running through my head I'd really like to come here and put down 'on paper'.

Back in October I found out J was reading this blog, almost daily reading it! I found this out when I got an email from him in response to a blog post where I listed some of the things from our relationship I was missing. His email prompted a phone call from me, and we talked for almost an hour. We agree to exchange emails and see each other when he was down here Thanksgiving week. Let's just say he kept neither promise he made to me during that phone call. I'd thought that his lack of keeping his word would have crushed me, but I was surprised to find I wasn't hurt by what he was doing, but by the fact that I realized this was his pattern of behavior for the last 5+ years. Our relationship was stagnant because HE is stagnant. He's not a person capable of sharing himself emotionally, yet he's smart enough to know how to do and say the right thing at the right time to keep getting away with keeping a women at arms length and waiting. I realized it wasn't just me he'd done this to, but all the women in his life. I'm a woman who when I give myself to a man, I give myself totally. I feel disappointed in myself for not realizing what his pattern was years earlier.

And to J... STOP READING HERE! I know you've read here again. You're not part of my life anymore, so please just go away and stay away!

* * * * * * * * *

If you want the perfect Christmas present, buy it for yourself LOL! I wanted 3 things for Christmas, a smaller digital camera (I have a semi-professional one that's amazing, but not 'small'), a new ring to replace one I no longer wear, and a portable/personal DVD player. Black Friday I got a really nice Kodak digital camera on sale, 2 weeks ago I got a beautiful blue topaz ring, and after plenty of research I got a Sony, 8", DVD player. To anyone looking to buy one of these portable DVD players, pay close attention to the charged-life of the battery. The average is 2-2.5 hours, which may not be long enough to watch the DVD you want to watch when traveling! The Sony one I got has a charged-life of 6 hours! The screen pivots and lays flat, it comes with the accessories to connect it to a tv, and the A/C and car charger. The only two things it doesn't come with are a carrycase and DVD's LOL!

* * * * * * *

I think it's time for me to find a new man.

One friend suggests I find a new 'buddy' for fun only. Other's suggest I just date around. A 'buddy' isn't my style, if all I wanted was sex it wouldn't have been 10 months and counting since I've had any. And dating for the sake of dating it's my style either. I'm 46 now, I want to find someone to spend the rest of my life with. I want to find a man who is tall and strong, both physically and emotionally. I want him to enjoy laughing as much as he enjoys 'growling' at me ( I love that gruff tone a man can get WEG!). Of course he's got to be willing to put up with my needs too... the need to spoil him and be spoiled in return, the need to serve and be serviced sexually as often as possible, the need to make sure he always knows he's cared about while he's making sure I always know he cares in return.

So if you happen to know this man, and he lives in SW Florida, EMAIL ME asap LOL!!!

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As much as my job bores me senseless, I'm grateful to have a job in this economy. Everyday I hear the numbers on unemployment and am glad I have a job, any job. When things start to swing upwards again, I'll go out and find a job that requires more of me than an ability to stay awake when normal people are sleeping. I miss using my brain, but at least I don't have to worry about ending up homeless. Life isn't about what you have, but how grateful you are for it! I may not have everything I want, but I am grateful for what I do have in a time when so many have so little.

HO! HO! HO!

I've got a million things to blog about, but hardly any time to do it. I promise I'll be back SOON to do it, but for now, here's a semi-boring meme LOL...

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1. Is sex best in the morning, afternoon, or night?
– All of the above. With the right person there’s no wrong time!

2. On which side of the bed do you sleep?
– If you’re facing the bed you’ll find me on the left side

3. Pork, beef, or chicken?
– Thick-cut pork chop, T-bone or KFC? All of the above!

4. Have you ever had to pull over on the side of the road to puke?
– Only after drugs for an MRI

5. What leg do you put in pants first when putting them on?
– Both.

6. Candles or incense?
– Candles are romantic and smell good, incense reminds me of when I was trying to cover the smell of something else I’d ‘burned’ in the room (way back when lol)

7. Do you dance when no one is watching?
– Definitely

8. Did you play doctor when you were little?
– No

9. Stove top cooking, grill or microwave?
– Grill

10. Would you rather your car or your house be dirty?
– Car

11. Shower or bath?
– Shower if I’m in a hurry, bubble bath to pamper myself

12. Do you pee in the shower?
– Eww! No!

13. Mexican or Chinese food?
– Mexican… yum!

14. Do you want someone aggressive or passive in bed?
– Aggressive I guess, definitely not passive, prefer ‘assertive’ WEG!

15. Do you own sex toys?
– I wish I owned stock in Duracell!

16. Corn dogs or hot dogs?
– Neither, I can’t stand hot dogs no matter what you cover them in

17. Your favorite restaurant?
– I haven’t found one here

18. What did you have for lunch today?
– With my work schedule, I eat ‘lunch’ at 3am. Today it will be roast beef and garlic mashed potatoes (dinner leftovers lol)

19. When did you last fall down?
– About a month ago when my back went out, I fell trying to get out of the shower

20. Have you ever wished someone were dead?
– Not proud of it, but yes

21. Love or money?
– Love

22. Credit cards or cash?
– Cash

23. Has there ever been anyone in your family you wish wasn’t?
– I should have been an only child, what a shame my parents had 2 other children after me!

24. Oreo’s or vanilla wafers?
– Depends on my mood. They’ve changed vanilla wafers, so they’re not my first choice anymore.

25. How do you like your steak cooked?
– Medium well. No pink.

26. How do you like your eggs cooked?
– I don’t much care how you cook them so long as the whites are firm and the yellows are warm/hot and runny!

27. Have you ever knocked someone off their feet in a fight?
– Sadly yes. Shouldn’t the things we do when we’re 18 should be wiped out of memories when we ‘grow – up’?

28. Would you rather go camping or to a five star hotel?
– Room service vs bugs and dirt? I like being spoiled, so how about a six star hotel? LOL!

29. Would you rather have a root canal or minor surgery?
– Definitely surgery

30. Would you shave your entire body (including your head) for money?
– For enough money I’d do it… heck, I shave everything but my head for free, so why not?

31. Would you rather have lice or an STD?
– No, no, no!!! Went through the lice – thing with my kids when they were in elementary school, I’d rather have nearly anything but lice!

32. What’s your favorite hard candy?
– Life Savers

33. Ever been to a strip club?
– Yup

34. Ever been to a bar?
– Yes

35. Ever been kicked out of a bar or a club?
– Yes, see question #27

36. Ever been so drunk you had to be carried out of somewhere?
– No

37. Kissed someone of the same sex?
– Yes

38. Had sex in the car?
– Yes, not an experience I’d like to repeat unless it’s a van or SUV!

39. Had sex at the beach?
– No

40. Had sex in a movie theater?
– No

41. Had sex in a bathroom?
– Yes, in the shower.

42. Have you ever been in an "adult" store?
– Many.

43. Is there anyone on your friends list you would ever consider having sex with?
– Umm, yeah.

44. Have you been caught having sex?
– Never caught, but definitely ‘interrupted’ when almost caught!

45. Have you ever kissed a stranger?
– Yes, he became my ex – husband… No more kissing strangers for me LOL!

46. Does anyone have naughty pictures of you?
– Pictures, no. Unless he erased it, video – yes WEG!