I Did It!!!!

I done some things recently that I never ever thought I'd be able to do!

First, I finished an assignment given to me by friends that had me taking an honest and deep look into myself to see my positives. Doing the assignment isn't what I'm proud of though, I'm a smart woman, even I can accomplish something difficult if I'm clear on what the guidelines are. What makes me proud is that while I started this assignment putting forth a bare minimum amount of effort, I finished it by REALLY following it's guidelines. I took a deep and honest look at who I am and acknowledged that yes, I really can be worthy of being loved and respected and not have to accept being treated as anything less than that. It was harder to do than it probably should have been, but I did it as much for myself as I did it to make them proud of me.

Next came ending the relationship with J. Trust me when I say I'm not saying "I did it" on this issue with any joy in my heart. It makes me incredibly sad. I love him, and I have a feeling I'll always love him. But loving him doesn't mean I have to accept being treated as something less than his equal. Being submissive doesn't mean I'm less than he is as a dominant, it just makes me the counter-balance to his dominance. I gave the relationship with him everything I had to give, where he only gave it what he wanted to give, what was convenient for him to give in the moment. So I'm proud of realizing I deserve better than to be treated the way he was treating me. In the deepest, secret part of my heart, I hope that someday he learns to be able share his heart and contacts me again when that happens. I always saw so much good in him, so much potential for 'us', but you can't respect someone more than they respect you and have it work.

The next one is the one that has me sitting here tenderly while I type this. Because it was used abusively on me years ago, I've had a major phobia about belts for decades. Even the sound of one being pulled out of his pants would have me feeling light-headed as if I was going to faint. It was so bad that when I would 'assist' in removing J's pants my hands would shake when I undid the buckle and I'd leave the belt in his pants when I removed them. I thought I'd never trust someone enough to have them use a belt on me. Belts are part of the reason I have trust issues, so this was a major issue on trust and fear for me.

I've found a friend I trust, really trust. His intentions come from nothing but love, mutual respect and friendship. If I didn't think his wife was beyond wonderful, I'd probably wish he was single LOL! Anyway, I've got this friend I find I'm able to trust, really trust. He doesn't expect anything from be other than to be the best me I can be. He doesn't demand respect, he just earns my respect by being himself.

The other night he and I were outside trying to avoid being eaten by bugs and talking while having a cigarette. From deep inside myself I realized how much I really trusted this friend, and I told him I was taking my 'off the table' list of things 'off the off the table list'. LOL, you know someone really understands you when they understand what you mean when you say that. I knew I had a spanking coming, so I knew I was opening up the possibility of his using it soon. And he did. Midway through he stopped to change implements, and I heard that sound. You all know that sound, the evil hiss of leather sliding through loops of material as it's removed. My heart clinched and I heard myself screaming in my head that I'd changed my mind. But all I did was put my hand back and ask for him to hold it, to anchor me to a safe place, and he did. He didn't use it hard, but he made sure I did feel it. When he was done using it I was nearly hyperventilating, but knew I'd faced my demon and had come out 'alive'.

As the spanking was wrapping up he told me the belt would be used again, as the last implement of the spanking. I'd felt the belt and come out 'alive', but deep in my heart I NEEDED to feel the belt and come out feeling more than 'alive', I needed to feel 'safe', feel that I really, deeply, honestly could trust again. I took a breath and asked that if he was going to use it again, to please use it 'for real' this time. To please use it 'hard' this time. I didn't even hold his hand, I just squeezed the pillow to me while I raised my bottom into proper position and felt the first lash sear into my bottom. I didn't count strokes, I couldn't do more than concentrate in the voice in my head that was saying over and over that I was ok, that I was worthy of being able to trust again, that I wasn't someone who deserved to be beaten and abused...

I felt each lash, I felt the burn, the sting, the pain. I held my breath, and gasped in deep breaths, and then it was done. I'd done it, I'd taken one hell of a belt spanking and was more than alive, I was loved, I was respected... I was safe.

Almost 18 hours later my backside is sore and looks it. My friend has definitely learned the weakness I have about being spanked on my sitspots and upper thighs. But as sore as it is I'm equally peaceful inside myself. It's now the middle of the night and I wish I was sleeping, but inside I still keep hearing the voice reminding me that I did it, that I deserved it in the best possible way... and I am good :)

So many changes

There are so many things changing in my life now.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I've always said I was a 'the glass is half full' kind of person. I now realize that that comment wasn't true, but I thought that if I said it often enough it would become true. When I viewed MY life, the glass wasn't half full, it wasn't even half empty, I viewed my life as a glass that was empty. There was no part of my life that I honestly took pride in, that made me feel good about myself for more than a fleeting moment.

Well, there's been one exception to my empty glass in the last few years... my friends. They were the only thing in my glass, and they'll never understand how much I value them for that. Some people say that 'online friends' aren't 'real friends'. That's such bull! There's a couple that I've never been lucky enough to meet who have become one of the most important things in my life. At one point we only lived a few hours apart, and I wish I'd been able to sit down and talk with them back then. But not being able to physically sit and share, whisper and giggle in person, doesn't deminish their value in my life one little bit. Recently I've added another wonderful woman and another couple to my list of things in my glass. I've been blessed enough to be able to spend 'physical' time with these people. These five people mean so much to me, I can't imagine my life without them in it. I met these people online, and yet they've become the best things in my life... don't anyone dare tell me they aren't 'real'!

~ ~ ~

2 of the above mentioned 5 remarkable people are men who have been helping me alot lately. They saw me, really saw ME, enough to realize I was spiraling into a very dark place and they've pretty much been pulling me out... even if I'm kicking and screaming a bit from time to time. I've not only had them listen and talk, but when things were getting out of control, they yanked me to a stop by giving me an assignment meant to force me to find the good inside myself. Open hearts, good instincts, and a seemingly unending number of impliments have been forcing me to change the way I view the world and my place in it.

Don't get me wrong, their wives have done more than their share to help with this too. These wonderful women have listened to be cry, cuss, and ramble while trying to figure things out.

None of them are letting me get away with bs'ing my way through life anymore, making me be honest even when it's painful to do so, and being there to help me every single solitary step of the way. They keep telling me how good I'm doing and how brave I'm being. I want to beleive them, but all I honestly beleive is that the credit for any improvement in my outlook is due to them! I still struggle to beleive this is real, that people love me enough to want to help, but I hope someday to make them proud by REALLY beleiving I'm responsible for this.

~ ~ ~

The relationship with J is pretty much over. When we got back together this time I made him promise me something... that if I lost my cool, really misbehaved, he'd not go away, not 'abandon me for being less than perfect'. Now I realize how sad it is that I even had to ask for that promise. Sad that I felt I would be abandoned if I wasn't always perfect, and sad that I viewed him as someone who would do that to me.

When I recently lost my cool and talked to him in a non-submissive manner, he hung-up on me. He basically did what he'd promised he wouldn't do. When we talked the next day he was still pissed over it and was sarcastic, mean, vulgar and intentionally hurtful to me. There's no excuse to talk to anyone the way he talked to me that day, and there's especailly no excuse to treat someone you say you love that way.

Thanks to people who have been treating me with such love and respect, I now see clearly how little love and respect he was treating me with. I also now realize I don't deserve to be treated the way he did, that I was always at risk of being an imposition, 'a bother'. When someone really loves you you should never feel you're bothering them when you just want to say 'hello, I love you'.

I've told him I feel he's treated me badly, and the things I need from him to even try one more time. I know what his answer will be, but I also know that I can say that I tried, that it was him who wasn't willing to try and do the right thing. If asking to be treated respectfully is asking too much, I'm not really losing anything of value.

~ ~ ~

I'm still so afraid of so much. Being 'too much', being alone forever, of disappointing the people I respect so much... the list of things I'm afraid of feels never-ending. I hope that someday I'll at least be able to see the end of the list. But maybe being able to admit to being so afraid of so much means that there's hope for me in the long run.

~ ~ ~

This blog is still going to be the place I come to about my life, my fears, my goals, and god willing, about how someday a great man is going to come into my life who is worthy of all I so much want to share and give... oh yeah, and it will be about DD and spanking too :)

Time got away from me :(

It's been too long since I've posted here. It's not for a lack of thoughts I'd like to put down, it's almost the opposite. I've had too many things running thru my head, some I can share here and some I can't share here 'to protect the not so innocent' LOL!

My work schedule has been totally messed up. Yes, working 11pm - 7am isn't my first choice of a shift I'd like to work, but at least I was getting 32-40 hours a week. Through someone else's issues, I am suddenly having my hours all over the chart. I've had a couple of weeks recently where I'm only working 16 hours, and one week where I got a whole 32. I can't survive on 16 hour weeks, it won't even pay my bills let alone let me do things like buy groceries. There's possibly a light at the end of the tunnel where I'll be back to at least 32 a week, but honestly I'm not holding my breath. With this economy, even finding another part-time job is turning out to not be an option. I'd really like to lean on J about this, but he's got his own issues going on and I don't want to add to them... that and I'm not sure if he wants to hear it.

I leave a week from today to take Mom up North for her 'snowbird' summer. She won't be back until September, and words can't express how much I'm looking forward to having the house to myself. The only thing keeping this from being totally a good thing is that with my work hours being so messed up, not having her here means I don't have anyone else to help with the expenses. To be honest mom pays most of the expenses... but how that makes me feel is the topic for another post when being whiny and full of self-pity won't get me spanked!

Because of things going on in his life, we're not sure if J and I will be able to get to spend any time together when I'm back 'home'. I don't know how I'm going to handle it if we can't get together. I have so many things I want to talk to him about and things I need to hear from him, and doing it on the phone and/or via email won't work for me on this.

It looks like the weekend I come back L & S will be coming down to visit. I can't wait!!! It's so nice to have people who I like and respect and truly enjoying just spending quiet time with. L is a great friend, and S is a man who reminds me way too much of myself when I was a Domme LOL! Not that he reminds me of a girl, heavens no!, just that his dominant mindset is alot like mine was back then.

I haven't been able to get ahold of CR on the phone or via email. I know she's struggling with way too many issues, and I just wish she'd let me help. Even is helping is nothing more than offering an ear to listen, a shoulder to cry on, and an house to run away to for an hour or so if needed. I'm worried about her and hope she contacts me soon!!!

Some friends are trying to help me think more positively about myself. I hadn't realized how negative my pov of myself was until they started trying to help. I'm not sure if it will work, but then again it's already working to a degree because I'm able to acknowledge that they love me. I still wonder why they do from time to time, but I do accept it. Wow, you wouldn't think that would be hard to accept would you?

Ok, that kinda catches me up for the moment, I hope I can get back here more often when Mom's up North and I have more privacy

That's just the way it is.... Why?

I keep hearing "that's just the way it is" or it's variation "that's just how people are" a lot lately. Why do we seem to think that that phrase makes it ok to be less than we're capable of being?

I lost a friend and neighbor recently. I found out that he'd died when my phone rang early the next morning. The call was from a neighbor wanting to know the details of how he'd died. I spent the next week barely able to sleep because my phone kept ringing because more neighbors wanted any dirty, nasty detail I might be able to provide them. Now these people know I work nights and sleep during the day, most of them even acknowledged this by apologizing for waking me up right before they asked their questions. And these are people who are now retired doctors, and laywers, and CEO/CFO's... people who dealt with confidentiality in their professional lives for the previous 30 or more years. YES, my friend had a drinking problem. YES, he had a temper that wasn't nice. But, there was NO WAY IN HELL I was going to tell these people nasty things about my friend. I didn't even get to mourn him because I was so busy fielding phone calls.

I work in a VERY small space, that through the week is shared by 12 people. If I leave food in the frig for me to have the next night, the odds are about 50/50 that it will be gone the next night. I arrive for my shift to literally find food and trash on the floor. Usually it's ground in because apparently it's easier to step on it than to clean it up when it first falls. Procedure is to arrive 15 minutes before your shift starts, yet all but 2 of my co-workers can be counted on to show up no sooner than 5 minutes before shift start.... often these people will show up 5 minutes late for their shift.

J and I were apart for a year. He contacted me at the beginning of the year and now we're back together... back together in a long-distance relationship as we now live approximately 1200 miles apart. He doesn't like the phone. He's 'busy' a lot. We've gone from phone and/or email contact 5 - 10 times a day, to a couple of times a week.

And you know what I hear if/when I complain about the above things?

"Well, people knew X was a drinker, of course they want to know if he was drunk when he died. That's just the way people are."

"Well, they see food and think it's ok for them to eat it. That's just the way Y is."

"They don't clean up behind themselves because they know you'll do it. That's just what people do."

"We're back together now, what is there to talk about?"

Maybe I'm naive, maybe I'm a freak of nature. But I don't think poor behavior, rudeness, a basic lack of consideration for others is something we should just accept because "it's what everyone is doing". Aren't I a part of that collective 'everyone'? I know I'm sure as hell not doing what they do. I won't be a part of the chain where it's ok to be less than decent because the person I just interacted with was that way.

Why is it ok to just accept that that's the way it is... that's the way people are... if it's just simply wrong???

Hearing things in my head

When J and I started talking again, of course the subject of how he ended us a year before came up. Being blindsided is never nice, and I felt I was owed an explaination. I hear "I'm sorry it hurt you", "I wish I'd been able to handle it differently", basically what I wasn't hearing was those 3 little words... I AM SORRY.

His explaination was that basically it was like when the US dropped the bombs on Japan in WWII. It was a painful decission for the US to make, and of course Japan was devistated, but it had to be done under the current circumstances at that time.

Let me be very very VERY clear here... that while I'm sure that makes perfect 'man logic' sense, I absolutely despise that explaination for what he did. But I can't change his pov on this, so while I don't like it one iota, I'm living with it for now.

When I heard his 'explaination' I thought back to how he'd been acting the couple of weeks between when we made the decission for me to move here and the time when he 'dropped the bomb'. There WERE signs I was seeing, I just didn't know what they meant at the time. I thought his 'strange' attitude was just his way of expressing have as hard a time with my moving away as I was.

What his analogy has provided me with is one of my own. Now when I'm feeling insecure, wondering what it is he's feeling... did he have as good a time together as I did... does he miss me... is he feeling as lonely as I am...

Am I being silly and overthinking things, or am I hearing 'air raid sirens'?

Today I told him I was worried I'd been hearing those sirens for the last couple of days. We haven't been able to communicate very much because he's been very busy with both work and 'real life'. Ok, great, that makes sense. There are plenty of times when I'm too busy to make a call, let alone come online and send an email. And he DID send an email saying he's really busy and would call as soon as he could.

But a year ago I was a 'bomb victim', and now I'm worried about not hearing those air raid sirens if they're going off again. I hear each 'bump in the night' as a possible siren. I'm hearing them when they're not going off, when they've apparently been disabled. He seemed surprised that I was worried I was hearing them again. Why does he get to be surprised? Is it really suprising that after surviving a bomb attack I'm going to have a bit of anxiety about possibly having it happen again?

Part of me feels like I'm being paranoid, that he's happy, he's not even thinking about dong it again, so I need to stop worrying about it. But part of me is upset that he doesn't truly appreciate the damage the first bomb caused and that he needs to help me feel very sure that it won't happen again.

Only time and attention will stop the sirens from echo'ing in my head.

100+ things about me

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Meme

I saw this on Hermione's Heart and am 'borrowing' it...

1. What curse word do you use the most? - Usually f***, but I wish I could break the habit

2. Do you own an ipod? - No

3. What person on your friends-list do you talk to the most? – it’s a tie between Kaytee, Jen and Cathy

4. What time is your alarm clock set to? – 8pm… I work 3rd shift and don’t want to oversleep from a nap

5. Do you still remember the first person you kissed? – Oh yeah, Henry Gendra at the Skatery!

6. Do you remember where you were on September 11th, 2001? - I was at work. I alternated between watching live coverage on my computer and watching the tv in the dayroom.

7. Would you rather take the picture or be in the picture? - Take it

8. What was the last movie you watched? – I have Netflix, I watch too many movies to remember the last one

9. Do any of your friends have children? - Yes

10. Has anyone ever called you lazy? – yeah, but my mom shouldn’t count

11. Do you ever take medication to help you fall asleep? – only when I haven’t got any other choice

12. What CD is currently in your CD player? – Meat Loaf – Bat Out Of Hell

13. Do you prefer regular or chocolate milk? – Regular Skim Milk… sometimes I’ll do a large glass of chocolate milk as a snack

14. Has anyone told you a secret this week? – I outed one on the forum

15. When was the last time you had Starbucks? – NEVER. I have an issue with a $8 cup of coffee

16. Can you whistle? - Sort of, but I don't

17. What is the first thing you notice about the opposite sex? – Height and hand size

18. What are you looking forward to? – going north in May and seeing my best friend

19. Did you watch cartoons as a child? - Yes

20. Do you own any band t-shirts? – No

21. What will you be doing in one hour? – Fixing my ‘lunch’

22. Is anyone in love with you? – He says he is

23. What was the last song you heard? – Thin Lizzy – The Boys Are Back In Town

24. Last time you cried? – Saturday

25. Desktop computer or a laptop? – Laptop

26. Are you currently wanting any piercings or tattoos? – Yes, just one more tatoo

27. What's the weather like? – Partly cloudy and 80F

28. Would you ever date a girl/guy covered in tattoos? – Covered in? No. Don’t mind if he has some, just not covered in them

29. What did you do before this? – Checked Spanking Tube for new video’s

30. When is the last time you slept on the floor? – The night before I moved here… I’d sold all my furniture

31. How many hours of sleep do you need to function? – I seem to be able to function on less than 4, but 8 would be great!

32. Do you eat breakfast daily? – Almost never

33. Are your days fast-paced? – No, they’re too quiet

34. What did you do last night? – Napped before work, showered, dressed, watched tv, went to work

35. Do you use sarcasm? – I believe you should always go with your strengths LOL!

36. How old will you be turning on your next birthday? - 47

37. Are you picky about spelling and grammar? – YES!

38. Have you ever been to Six Flags? – yes, years ago

39. Do you get along better with the same sex or the opposite sex? - Both equally. It really depends on the individual.

40. Do you like mustard? – Yes, brown is better than yellow

41. Do you sleep on your side? - Yes, with a pillow between my knees to keep my back from being hurt

42. Do you watch the news? – Politics, yes. News, no

43. How did you get one of your scars? – I got bit by a LOT of fire ants last summer

44. Who was the last person to make you mad? – My supervisor at work when he called and woke me up at 11 this morning

I'm happy!

Being 'single' has been hard. Yeah, I miss the sex, but that's not the main thing I've been missing. I missed being a part of an 'us', having someone to share my submissive side with.

I struggled because J was the only man I'd ever been submissive to, and without that relationship I stuffed that side of myself down deep inside. It was painful to do, but less painful than the ripping pain of having this side of myself out and available and no one to share it with. Stuffing it inside was a constant ache, but so much less painful than feeling like I'd lost a limb. And in alot of ways I did lose a limb, the part of me that IS submissive.

This post sounds rather depressing, especially for one titled I'm happy LOL! The reason I'm happy is because J and I are back together. I've promised him I won't go into great detail about him here for now, but I can't talk about my life without talking about the fact that he's back in it.

We started talking via email again in January and then on the phone. It was NOT the easiest thing I've ever done! I'd gotten used to the ache, my brain had started to not even recognize it more than 10 or 20 times a day. Talking to him again meant the possiblilty of opening up that side of myself again.

From the beginning I was different this time though. Before I would say 'yes sir' to keep the peace. It was something I said as often out of respect for him as I did out of being afraid to rock the boat. I was sure that if I rocked the boat too much that we'd 'sink'. Well, I'd already sunk and while the swim was hard to do, I'd finally made it to shore. Talking to him meant going back out into the water and I honestly wasn't sure if I was up to even dogpaddling again, let alone climbing back onto the boat.

It took weeks before the word 'sir' came out of me again. I felt it for a bit before I let it come back out... this time he had to earn it! I don't like how that sounds, but I was determined to not make this too easy for him this time. He'd broken my heart, and I was determined to make sure he was really really really wanting me back again before I gave into my own desires.

I'd like to say that this was a good thing. In some ways it was a good thing, it created more conversation and I have felt more 'heard' this time around. But it also caused me alot of internal confusion and conflict. There's just something about J that clicks in me, and I was intentionally fighting my own desires.

Basically it comes down to the fact that I wanted 'us' again so much that I was afraid to go for it. I now knew how much losing it would hurt, and I didn't want to ever put myself in a position to feel that much pain again... I was being very cautious.

Well, this past weekend J was here. I was a massive bundle of nerves, with mood swings that made PMS look like a day at the park. When I saw his car come around the corner my heart started to slam and my palms actually started to get damp. Then he came through the door and I felt rooted to the floor, totally clueless as to what to do. Somehow we met in the middle, I don't remember who took the first step. But I do know that when his arms closed around me I felt the same tension in him that was in me. Then the most amazing thing happened.

It felt 'right'.

The tension drained from me, my throat got tight, and I felt myself starting to cry. All the fears I'd obsessed over about how each moment had the potential to go wrong... it just all went away.

Out of respect for his wishes I won't go into details about the visit. I don't think he'd mind my saying that the sex was fantastic, the cuddling was wonderful, hearing him get that tone when I didn't listen made me tingle, and just being able to touch him again made me feel so peaceful. I'm glad to be back to being part of 'us' again. I feel complete. I feel happy.

You know you're a spanko when...

Lately I seem to be seeing lifestyle reminders everywhere!

There was the day I was driving by the pizza shop and read the sign that says:

NOW SERVING SUBS

and all I can think is it's' about time and I need someone to 'serve' me!

That same day I am sitting at a red light and see the sign on the van beside me:

LET DOM HANDLE IT

this time was for 'Dominic's handyman service', but that's not where my brain went!

While out of town with friends at the beach I see this couple come out of a restraurant. He puts his arm around her shoulder and she puts hers around his waist. They look so 'cute', she's got her head tilted up saying something to him and he's got his tilted slightly listening to what she's saying. I'm thinking how cute and romantic they look, and how I wished I was them at that moment.

Then, I don't know what she had been saying to him, but his arm came off her shoulders and his hand CRACKED her in the middle of her butt so hard I could hear it over the thousands of people, the ocean, and being about 20 feet away! He hooked his thumb into her left pocket and kept 'patting' her tush! Meanwhile she'd come up onto her toes and is now desparetly putting her right hand back trying to block those pats and get his thumb out of her pocket.... and I REALLY wished I was them at that moment LOL!

That same day we're all getting a bit hot in the sun and go looking for the 'kiddie area' for the friends kids to play in and some shade for the grown-ups. There's a bizillion signs along the boardwalk, it seemed like each store had at least 3 signs trying to lure you into them vs the one next door. But my eyes immediately went to and focused on this one...

Now, of course they're selling RACKETBALL paddles, but that's not where my brain went!

And, now there's what happened today....

I went to the grocery store across the street a while ago to get milk. While I was there I ran into someone I knew and 'wandered' the store with him. Of course this meant I bought more than the 2 gallons of milk I went into the store to buy.

One of the store managers also lives in the neighborhood where I do, and the 3 of us ended up wandering together thru the store. When we were done shopping we headed towards the checkout isles. My friend checked out first (he had more stuff than I did lol). The conversation went like this:

Manager: "Where are your canvas bags?"

Me: "Oh crap! I forgot them in the car!".

Manager: "Do I need to spank you to get you to remember them?"

Me: "Well, somebody should!"

Register guy: "Do I need to go someplace else for a minute?"

I'm cracking up and so is the manager. The 'friend' I was with looked completely lost and unsure what to say! It seems like I'm apparently oozing my spanko-pharamones again! I'm not only seeing swats and signs, but now I'm being threatened WEG!

My next post will be about how I'll be getting spanked in just a few more days :)

Obvious?

Why is it that something that seems so obvious to me seems so difficult to understand for others???

Lately, I've been thinking about the differences between what makes a 'truly dominant man', a 'bully', and a 'partner in the lifestyle'. Now to me these are obvious, they're just so different how could anyone confuse them????

A truly dominant man is just a man who doesn't have a wimpy bone in his body. His brain just functions in a dominant mode. He sees his role in life to be that of leader, not follower. He takes the needs and feelings of other people into consideration, and he makes what he thinks is the right decision for everyone in the long run. He sets expectations based on what he wants, but does them in a way that is respectful. He sets deadlines that while not necessarily easy, are achievable, he wants you to succeed because it doesn't just make him look good, it makes you look good too.

A bully is a man who sees himself as dominant but doesn't take into consideration the feelings / thoughts / concerns of the other people in his universe. He's that boss who makes stupid deadlines just to be able to yell at you when you don't met them. He's that 'DOM' who talks to you like you're just some lesser being... a submissive... SHUDDER! He sees his power coming from what he can 'make' you do, not what you do out of respect for him. He shuts up long enough to allow you to talk, but then ignores everything you just said and does things his way... all the while saying "but didn't I listen to you? Now I'm the Dom / HOH and that means we do things my way".

A partner is this amazing man. He's as naturally dominant as you are naturally submissive. He encourages you to grow and discover yourself while reaping the benefits. He definitely enjoys getting his own way, but 'winning' isn't his goal in life... he doesn't measure his dominance by how often he wins. He's got the ability to laugh one minute, then give you 'the look' the next if you take it too far. He doesn't hold you close at night simply to have easier access.

The Internet is full of bullies who call themselves Dom's. They're not hard to recognize when you talk to them. They want to be addressed as Sir or Master because they view it as their right, not as a title of respect that they should earn from you. They talk to you as if you're just some interchangeable 'sub', not as a person with her own thoughts and feelings and wants from the lifestyle. They expect you to conform to their view of the lifestyle without consideration of what it is you're wanting to get from it.

There's a very fine line between dominant man and bully, it's a line of respect and consideration. I really wish these men who view themselves as Dom's would stop and see which side of that line we read them as being on :(